


Explain Yourself

by GorillaInTheMist



Series: Elaine Explains It All...Sort Of.... [4]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Battle, Betrayal, Bittersweet Ending, Blight, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Complicated Relationships, Cullen Hates Cars, Dorian is delightful, Elaine getting her groove back, F/M, Fade Dreams, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Happy Ending, I'm Sorry, Kidnapping, Lovers Fighting, New Inquisitor, No one should let Elaine lead anything, Original Character Death(s), Parallel Universes, Separations, Siblings, War, Welcome Back!, assumed death, final chapter, large scale battle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-04-13 09:18:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 72,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4516380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GorillaInTheMist/pseuds/GorillaInTheMist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It has been 2 years since Elaine was thrown back to Earth. She has finally adjusted to her life when she is needed again. Fen'Harel wars to bring back his fallen civilization putting all of Thedas in peril. Elaine returns as a secret weapon to bring back peace to the world, but can she stop her former lover?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Gorillas Need Me!

So, my job was surprisingly fine with my philanthropic mission to save the gorillas that kept me from my job for a year. Weird right? It also left me having to pretend that I knew random junk about gorillas. Did you know that gorillas supplement their diet with cow’s blood? That is why they have such big canines! Yeah, that is probably complete and utter bullshit, but people believe me when I say it.

Don’t blame me. Maybe they should read more.

It has been like this for two years now. I haven’t heard from Thedas….Solas…in two years. Part of me thought that at some point he’d come back….or that Elias would figure out how to reopen the rift…It took me about six months to put aside that fantasy. I used to just hang out at that coffee shop where I popped back into the world…just in case. It was honestly, pretty pathetic.

Then, one morning, I’m sitting at my desk doing my normal boring work when one of my coworkers comes up to me. “Hey, Elaine there is a guy standing outside asking anyone who passes by if they know who you are. He has a really epic moustache and sort of looks like a fashionable renaissance festival reject.”

It’s Dorian. It has to be. I come up with a brilliant excuse. “I have to go. That’s one of the gorilla people I was working with. The gorillas must need me! I’ll be back eventually. Thanks!” I grab my bag and dash out the door. I’m still brilliant, have no fear.

Sure enough, leaning up against the wall of my office building is the most beautiful man from Thedas. “What have I done to deserve such an unexpected visit from such a handsome man?” I smile as the door closes behind me.

Dorian comes over and gives me a hug, lifting me up off the ground. “Hello, again darling. Did you miss me?”

I kiss his cheek, “Only every moment of my life, Dorian.” He sets me down, but doesn’t let go of me.

“I didn’t even get to see you off, Elaine.” He pulls me into another crushing hug. “I’ve missed you terribly. I was delighted to discover that you were not dead.”

I begin to realize that Dorian wasn’t here last time…”How did you find me? I had thought I’d be sealed away forever!”

“Well, you see…”

“Maker’s Breath! Damn it all to the Void! She has to be!” A handsome voice is echoing once familiar curses off the walls of the alley besides my office building. “Dorian!” He turns the corner, “I know she is here!” He stops dead in his tracks when he looks up and his golden eyes meet mine. It’s the second time I’ve seen Cullen without full armor. He’s in black leather britches and a cream billowy shirt with a burgundy jacket.

He almost drops whatever is in his hand. “It’s you.” He breathes.

“Cullen?” I gasp. I can’t believe he’s here. There is no way he’d just up and leave the Inquisition. It’s my first inkling that something must be wrong back there, but I push it aside for the time being. I start to run toward him…but…stop myself a few feet away…it’s been two years…what if his feelings have changed. I mean, I love him. So much. I missed our talks. I missed his smile. I missed him. He has occupied this place in my mind as the unattainable perfection that I stupidly cast aside…for a crazy person, no less.

Cullen closes the gap between us in just a few steps and pulls me into a strong embrace. One of his hands cradles my head and the other holds my lower back. I have forgotten how much bigger he is than me. He puts some room between us and brushes my hair from my face. He almost looks enchanted. Dorian coughs a bit and he quickly lets me go, “You um…look well Elaine.” We are, after all, on a busy street…it doesn’t stop me from keeping ahold of his hand.

Dorian is tickled pink. I think he wanted this for me for a very long time….whatever _this_ is.

Why are they here? Not Elias. Something is wrong and I know we can’t ignore it. “What happened?”

They pass a look as if neither wants to be the one to tell me. So, it must be bad.

Cullen speaks. “Is there somewhere more private that we may speak?” It must be _very_ bad.

I sigh. “Okay, I’ll take you to my place. I moved out on my own! Just, don’t freak out.” We walk to my car, I unlock it and open the passenger side doors for them. “Get in.” Dorian is a bit fearless and just jumps into the back seat. Cullen circles the car like it will somehow grant him understanding. “Cullen, just go sit down.” He does, but he looks incredibly hesitant. I take the driver’s seat and put my keys in. “You’re killing me guys. Close the doors.” The doors slam shut. “Seatbelts on.” I demonstrate with my own and they follow suit. “Okay, just…trust me.”

I turn the ignition on and the car starts to vibrate and, per usual, my radio starts blasting. “Sorry.” I mumble turning down the music. Cullen quickly scramble around for something to grasp. Dorian laughs a bit, “How delightful!”

We start making our way back to my little house. “So, instead of magic we have electricity. It runs my car and basically anything else you can think of. It’s not unnatural. It’s just different. Cullen you’re stressing me out!” He does his best to pretend to relax in the seat beside me. I hold out my right hand for him and he grabs it in his left, squeezing harder than he probably means to.

The drive is pretty short only fifteen minutes or so. They both look intrigued by my little cottage. I let them inside, “Welcome to my home, gentlemen. It’s not much, but it’s mine.”

Cullen looks charmed as he wanders around the house, like it’s almost a little dream, maybe he has missed me like I’ve missed him. Dorian pops in and out of the rooms, “It looks like you, Elaine.” I’m really not sure what that means.

I drop off my bag in my office and go back to the kitchen to put on a kettle. If I know anything, it is that these men enjoy some tea. I’m sure their trip here…and whatever made them come….could use some tea therapy.

The kettle whistles and I grab down my teas and three brightly colored mugs. “Tea?” The two tall men come back into my kitchen and fix their drinks. I sit on the sofa and wait for them to join me. Once they are settled, one on each side of me, I ask again, “What happened?”

Dorian shifts to face me, placing a hand on my knee. “I’ll give you the short version. We won the battle against Corypheus and saved Thedas. Solas disappeared immediately after the battle. No goodbye or explanation, just poof gone.” Not unusual…. “He was going to be judged for his kidnapping of the Inquisitor’s sister, as well as general traitorous behaviors. Your brother was livid when he escaped from the battlefield.”

I had forgiven Solas for his abandoning me about a year after being back. He had always promised to make sure that I was safe…and that is what he did…I guess. But, I don’t love him anymore. The ring on my finger, while permanent, holds no special meaning for me now.  I tilt my head to the side…I guess Elias was _really_ angry.   

Cullen breaks in. “That’s not why, Elaine. You should know better than anyone that Solas was, evasive during his time in the Inquisition. Recently, we discovered why.”

Dorian squeezes my knee. “Honey, he was lying about who he is. He is one of the ancient Elvhen Gods. He is Fen’Harel. After he left us, somehow he gained back his godly power and has started an uprising. All elves can cast now and they are amazingly strong. He is leading them in taking back Thedas for the glory of Elvhenan.”

I start to laugh hysterically. Dorian takes my mug out of my hand before I can spill my tea everywhere. “I knew he was immortal, but...” more laughter, I’m crying I’m laughing so hard. “Of course I was sleeping with the Trickster! All of those random comments. It makes complete sense!”

They’re looking back and forth between each other, trying to figure out what to do. I’m clearly not in my right mind….which, honestly should never have been thought to be the case.

Eventually, I pull it back together. “Seriously, though?” I flop back against the back of the couch. This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. “He is leading an elven uprising. Solas is leading a war? Our Solas?”

Cullen sighs, “That’s what we thought too. Well, Elias and some of the other members of the inner circle went on various missions to defend against the strange elven army.  Solas was there. Elias was injured in their skirmish. We came hoping that you could come back. His healing is still in progress, Anders is hard at work, but if anyone’s presence could help him it’s yours.”

I stand up and pace back and forth in front of the couch. “So, let me get this straight. My ex is an ancient Elvhen God and had started a war across Thedas. He also tried to kill my time twin? This sounds insane. Has he gone crazy? Did he think I would be okay with this!?”

“We don’t think he knows that we have the ability to get to you. With Elias down for the count, the power of the anchor is useless. What Solas forgot was just how wonderful of a mage _I_ am. I figured out a way to create a temporary rift for us.” Dorian sounded very pleased with himself.

I reach over and down my tea. “Well, men. Let’s go save our Inquisitor.”  

“I just need a nap first.” Dorian sounds like the living dead. I hadn’t even noticed in all the excitement.

“Dorian used a great deal of energy to get us here. He needs to regenerate before we can attempt to make it back.” Cullen clarifies, looking worried at the mage.

I stand up and take his hands in mine. “Oh, my sweet Tevinter, let’s get you to bed.” I lead him into my larger than necessary bedroom and help him take off his cloak, so that he can be more comfortable in bed. He gets under the blankets and I tuck him in. 

“I could get used to this.” He smiles through a yawn and curls up.

I shut the curtains; it is, after all, only around noon. “Good night, Dorian.” I make sure the door is closed behind me so that he’s not disturbed.

Back in the living room, Cullen is standing at my book shelf, skimming my titles with a smile on his face. He picks up a large book that I’ve really almost destroyed in the last two years. “Constellations: Their Locations and Histories.”

I can’t help but like that he found my little secret. “No matter where I am, they remain the same.” My return to the room doesn’t make him jump, instead he just slowly turns toward me, looking apprehensive. I swing my arms around nervously, looking everywhere but at him. What can I say? I missed him.

He takes a few steps toward me. “Elaine…I…”  

The Mario Theme song starts playing in my back pocket. This actually makes Cullen look around like we are under attack. I slowly remove my cell from my pants and see that Max is calling. Saved by the ringtone! “I have to take this, one second.” I turn my back…like that’s going to _really_ give me any privacy. “Howdy!”

“You’re still coming tonight, right?” Max asks abruptly. So, I had totally forgotten about the party for Edward. It’s not like he’s in town every day and everyone is gone to be there. Ugh. Honestly, I want to go still….but I don’t know if it’s a great idea with Cullen and Dorian here. But, if they’re here…then I won’t be soon…and I refuse to go away without saying goodbye. All of that is going on in my head, but nothing is coming out verbally. “Lane?! Are you still there?”

“What?! Oh…I….yeah…”

“Yeah, you’re coming? Or Yeah, you’re there.”

“Both. I just….I’m going to be bringing someone…is that okay?” I turn around and look at Cullen who is super confused as to what is going on right now.

“We rented a whole bar. I’m sure there’ll be room.” He says in the dismissive way he does before coming to a halt. “Wait, who are you bringing?”

I let out a shaky breath. “Um….Cullen.” Cullen thinks I’m talking to him and looks at me expectantly. I hold up a hand to signal him to stay quiet.

“You’ve never mentioned a Cullen….is this a recent conquest?” Max is suddenly really worried about me. I haven’t really been out with anyone since I came back.

My nervous laugh starts up. “Oh….no…you’ve definitely heard about Commander Cullen before…”

“Wait. The Commander is here?! You’re screwing around with me, Elaine.”

I put the phone on speaker. “Cullen, say hello to Max, please”

He has no idea what to make of any of this. “Hello?” he says hesitantly, staring at the little piece of metal in my hand. “Elaine, what is this device?”

“Shit! Elaine!” Max starts yelling so loud that my phone is vibrating in my hand. Cullen steps back, clearly startled.

“See you at 7! K, I love you, bye!” I hang up the phone before he can say anything else. “Sorry about that.”

Cullen nervously rubs his neck. “Can you please explain to me what just happened?”

“First of all, that’s a phone. We don’t use crows here, instead we just send our voice through this thing. Secondly, that was my oldest brother, Max. He and his wife and throwing a party because one of our middle brothers, Edward, is home for a bit. I had promised to go, but I can’t rightly leave you here…and Dorian is practically comatose. So, we’re going to a party.” I flop down on the couch and rest my face in my hands. This is a terrible idea. I mean, the whole family knows about everything from Thedas and whatever, but actually bringing Cullen out is not the best idea I’ve ever had.

“So, I’m going to meet your family?” He says, slowly processing everything I just blurted out.

“Yep. All of them. Don’t worry, all my siblings know about where I was two years ago. I think Martin was pretty sure I had finally gone crazy. He’s going to flip out.”

I feel the couch shift and Cullen sits beside me. “Your hair is different.” He mumbles sadly, running a hand hesitantly though the ends of my locks. “Still lovely, but different.”

“Oh, yeah.” I sit up and run a hand through my now just barely shoulder length hair. “About six months after I got back I chopped it all off. You know how after a bad break up you just want a change? I needed it to be gone. It reminded me of who I was in Thedas and I didn’t get to be her anymore.”

He drops his hand back into his lap, like my hair was too hot to handle. “Elaine, I’m so sorry. I promised you that I wouldn’t let you be taken from me again. I failed. I didn’t see the enemy in our midst; my judgement was too clouded.”

“You couldn’t have known. None of us did. Well, Zevran had suspicions, but the Inquisition needed him. I’ve never once blamed you…only myself.” I rest my hand on his wrist and feel a bracelet, so I shift his sleeve to look at it.

“Perhaps I should explain.” He sits back on the couch and runs a hand through his hair. “After Solas came back without you, we were uncertain if you were even still living. Elias was convinced he had taken you away and killed you. I realized that you had left vials of your blood in the Undercroft, so with the help of Grand Enchanter Fiona, we made a phylactery for you. It worked. And I thanked the Maker that you were still alive.”

I laugh, but am seriously disturbed. “You made me a phylactery?”

“Yes, with it the Templars could sense your presence. It’s ultimately how Dorian was able to locate you.” Cullen pulls back his shirt, “Elias made all the Templar leaders wear them. It’s a small amount of your phylactery. That way, all of the trusted Templars could constantly be on the lookout for you, should you arrive back in Thedas.” It’s a glass disk about the size of a quarter, filled with red liquid….um….my blood….attached to a leather band.

“That’s beyond creepy, Cullen.” I move his wrist around making the blood shift this way and that in the glass.

He takes my hand in his. “I have to tell you, Elias wanted to be able to help in the efforts to find you.” That’s nice, so why does he need to be holding my hand to tell me this?  “He became a Templar, Elaine.”

“What?!” I shout, pulling myself from his grasp. “How could you let him do that?! After everything that happened to you, you let him join?!”

Cullen just sits there calmly and lets me yell. “You very well know that he would have done it whether or not I decided to help him. I figured that I would be the most conservative trainer he could have. He barely takes any lyrium at all. I made sure of it.”

He’s right. Of course he’s right. There wouldn’t have been a better mentor than Cullen. He is an amazing teacher and could kick Elias’s ass if needed. “You’re right. I’m sorry I yelled.” That awesome self-pity thing comes back. “God, I really screwed up everything. Didn’t I?”

“No, Elaine, it’s not…”

“No, Cullen. I did. If there was a wrong choice to be made. I made it.” He come over to me and hesitantly hugs me. “I’m going to fix all of it. I swear, Cullen.”

“You’re not alone, Elaine.” It’s so nice to be in his arms again. I feel like I fit against him. It’s also super weird for him to be here…in my living room. Our silent hugging starts to get a little long…and I mean…no one is watching, but we really need to figure out what is going on here before the whole lingering embraces thing is acceptable. “Would you care to show me your book of constellations?” he asks softly.

“Of course.” I smile and walk over to retrieve the book. 


	2. I don't care! I love it!

Later in the afternoon, I leave Cullen alone for a few minutes to run down to the boutique on the corner and get him some normal clothes. I can’t have him running around looking like a clean cut, off duty, pirate. I actually measure him for pants and shoes, then just sort of guess for a shirt.

When I get back he is sitting in the same place, still reading. It honestly makes me really happy. “Honey, I’m home!” I laugh, setting his stuff on my coffee table.

“I see that your trip was fruitful.” He set eyes the plastic bag nervously.

“Well, I’m going to shower. You can hop in after me and then we’ll get ready and go.” His brows furrow, but I ignore it and walk off to the bathroom. I’ll explain later.

It’s a bad idea.

I’m finishing conditioning my hair when the door opens. “Elaine? I heard running water...Something has been leaking. Are you alright?”

Stupid. Of course he would come to make sure the weird sound wasn’t hurting me. This is what I get for not explaining things immediately. My glass is frosted, so I can vaguely see him standing near the door. “Cullen, I’m fine. Wonderful actually. A shower is a standing bath. I’m just bathing.”

He’s staring at the glass and if I’m not mistaken he reddens a bit…I guess he just realized that all that peach is my skin. “Maker’s Breath. So you’re….”

I shut off the water and pull open the door enough to grab my towel, wrapping it around myself, and step out of the shower. “Yes. Naked.” He averts his eyes. “I’m covered, you can’t see anything, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“It would be…” He clears his throat. “ungentlemanly to take advantage of your state of undress. I’d rather give you the privacy and respect you deserve.”

Oh so sweet! I smile at him, even though he isn’t looking at me. “Here, let me start the shower for you. I’ll make sure your clothes are all good to go for when you’re done.” I turn on the shower and then start to walk out of the door. “Flip the switch down to shut it off, and the towels are in the closet.”

I sneak into my room and quietly grab some skinny jeans, a navy tank and a cream kind of baggy quarter-length cardigan. I’ll throw on my mint flats and a silver statement necklace and call it a day! Cute, but comfy….aka my uniform. I’m the queen of cardigans.

Getting dressed in my living room is a change….

The water stops and I quickly pull the tags off of his new clothes. I give a small knock. “Clothing delivery.” He opens the door with the towel draped around his waist….and water beading down his chest. I try to avert my eyes, but instead I just sort of stare….like…it’s a tractor beam and I’m stuck in it. He shifts back and forth. “Oh! I’m so sorry. I guess I’m not a gentleman….here….please ignore me.”

The door only barely muffles his laughter.

He walks out in jeans and a black shirt that is just slightly too tight…oh darn? I didn’t do it on purpose…but I’m definitely not complaining. It makes his beautiful muscular body even…more beautiful. “What do you think?” He asks, hesitant.

“Oh, I think we can work with this.” I giggle and bump him with my hip as I go back into the bathroom to put makeup on.

Cullen turns and follows me to the vanity ringing his hands nervously…adorably. “Um…do you have anything….well my hair…it…I help it along….” Of course he used product on his hair. He wasn’t hiding it from anyone with eyes and a basic understanding of beauty products. I pull open a drawer full of random hair products. “Maker, Elaine!”

“I horde beauty products. Don’t worry about it. I’m sure there is _something_ in there that will work for you.” I pull open some other drawers and grab out my makeup for the night. I throw on a Top 40 playlist on my phone to get me in the mood to go to a club….bar…place. He picks a texturizing cream and works it through his damp hair.

Instead of leaving he leans happily against the counter and watches me fix myself up while I sing along to the music. We don’t speak, but we smile. We are just happy to be in one another’s company. Now that I’m getting over the shock of him being here, it’s starting to feel comfortable again. When I finish up I pull him next to me and wrap an arm around his waist. “You’re too pretty to exist here, Cullen. I think my brothers will take one look and you and believe that they have lost their marbles as well. Like seriously, Cullen, you look so good in these clothes that it almost makes me angry.”

He rolls his eyes, “Though, I must say, in these clothes, we do look rather nice together. Do we not?” The question is hesitant. Like I’d say no?

“We look like everyone is going to hate us.” I laugh and give him a little squeeze. “Come on, let’s go flag down a cab.”

“A cab?”

“Yes. It’s someone that we pay to drive us places. I’m sure I’ll have a few drinks and there’s no way _you_ are driving us back, so we’re getting a cab.”

Cullen is still not into the whole cars being a thing…thing….He holds my hand in a near death grip the whole ten minutes to the bar. It would be cute if he weren’t so damn huge. When we get there, I hop out and go open the door for him…because I’m trying to make up for being so ungentlemanly earlier.

“Are you ready?” I desperately cling to his hand as we stand outside just staring at the entrance. I know, I’m a hypocrite. It is what it is.

He gives my hand a little squeeze. “I trust that we will come out of this alive?”

I rub my neck, like he does, and mumble, “We’ll see what my brother have to say about that.”

“Come again?”

“Nothing!”

I take a deep breath and open the doors.

The song ‘I Love It’ is blaring on the speakers. “Is this what you people call music?” Cullen says loudly in my ear, clearly taken aback.

I can’t help, but laugh. Of course he would hate electronic music. I start hopping up and down with his hand in both of mine. “I don’t care! I love it!” I sing/shout and bounce us to the VIP booth where Edward is sitting.

“Ed!” I shout and fling myself into his lap. I can’t believe I hadn’t seen him in a year and a half. “Hello, big brother!”

He is about Cullen’s age and just slightly shorter and a decent amount less muscular. A knight, he is not. “Hello, little girl.” He chuckles and gives me a bear hug. Suddenly, he freezes. I assume he has noticed Cullen. “And who is this, Elaine?”

I slide off the booth and stand next to my guest. “I’d like you to meet Cullen Rutherford. He came a long way for this party.” Cullen extends his hand, but Ed is too stunned to reciprocate.

Ed’s hazel eyes are as round as dishes. “ _This_ is the Commander, Elaine? Wait, why is he here?”

“Shit’s going down in Thedas…They’re calling in their secret weapon…” I sigh and avoid his gaze. “He and Dorian just got here this morning.” 

I feel a hand on my shoulder. “So, is this him? I was with Max when he got off the phone with you. Not cool, Lane.” My third brother is shorter than the other two guys, he doesn’t crest 6 feet.

“Yes, Martin. This is Cullen.” Of course they are swarming.  I couldn’t avoid this if I wanted to.  I guess it’s better to do it all at once. Thank you, by the way, for keeping Max busy while I was being double teamed.

Cullen tries again and extends his hand to Martin. “I’m pleased to….”

Martin puts his hand up on Cullen’s shoulder, mirroring his grasp on me. “No one is talking to you, pretty boy.”

“Martin, don’t be an ass.” I punch him in the chest.

“Kids! Stop!” Ed stands up from the booth and points back and forth between Martin and me. “You’re both getting too old for this shit. Martin sit down. Elaine, why don’t you and Cullen go get something to drink. We’ll find you later.”

“Sorry.” I mumble and give Ed a quick kiss on the cheek…then I stick my tongue out at Marin as I grab Cullen’s hand and drag him over to the bar. He’s stifling a laugh. “What’s so funny, Commander?”

“Nothing, that was just very familiar.” His crooked smirk dissolves my annoyance.

I grab a drink menu and hand it to Cullen. “Anything you want?”

He stares at the long list for a few seconds, “I want an appletini?”

“Are you sure?” I’m pretty sure he just picked at random.

“Yes.”

We sit with our backs to the bar, Cullen keeping a hand on my lower back as we make commentary about the people on the dance floor. There are an astonishing amount of people here. The drinks arrive. I’ve ordered a stout, so it’s a large frosty glass full of dark beer and Cullen gets his acid green martini glass. He stares at it like it’s some abomination. Yeah, he definitely just picked at random.

Martin, who is passing us, walks over and switches our drinks. “You’re welcome.” He smirks and continues onto the dance floor. God help whatever girl he decides to grind up on....

I don’t mind my new drink choice and Cullen seems significantly happier. “This would be your drink of choice.” He grins after taking a sip. “It tastes of chocolate and coffee.”

“You know me well.” I raise my martini in a faux toast and take a sip.

That’s when you pull me to the side. So, we’re just chatting and Max accosts Cullen. Yeah…I totally wasn’t listening to what you were saying….sorry. I couldn’t really see, so my recounting is just what I think was going on. It’s probably more interesting in my head….

“Well, Commander, come to ruin the life of my sister?” Max sneers.

Cullen starts coughing because I’m sure Max sneak attacked him and waited until he had just taken a drink. “I’m sorry? I’ve done no such thing.”

“The last guy was one of yours. _You_ didn’t pay enough attention. _She_ suffered for it.” I imagine that Max is persistently poking him in the chest.

“I….” Cullen is probably in shock.

Max is older than Cullen and doesn’t really care about his station in Thedas….it shows. “ _You_ didn’t have to pick up the pieces when she got back.”

Cullen sounds sad, like he would have wanted to be there for me. “I would have….”

“Oh, I can imagine what you would have done.” Max is being awful, probably puffing out his chest and smirking. I’d never beat him around like I do Martin; he’s way too old for me to do that.

I can hear Cullen stand. “I have _never_ behaved anything, but honorably toward Elaine.” It’s true. He wouldn’t even look at me in the towel. Even when I sent him away, he wanted nothing but the best for me.

“If you lay a hand on her, I swear to your Maker that I will ruin your life.” Probably more of Max pointing.

“Pardon my saying, but your sister is a grown woman. Elaine can make her own decisions.” I can just _see_ Cullen crossing his arms and looking pleased with himself at this assessment.

That’s when you excused yourself and grabbed Max by the arm with your “Yes, she is. Come over here. Darling!” Once again: Melanie, my hero!

So, because I’m a brat, I saunter sexily back to Cullen. “Would you dance with me, Commander?”

I think he notices my change in carriage, because he blushes a touch. “I think your brother will tear me to pieces.”

Max ruins everything! I am here with the hottest guy at the party and he won’t touch me. I heave an exaggerated sigh, “I guess I’ll just have to dance with myself.” I down the last of my martini and wiggle my hips to the middle of the dance floor.

One of Martin’s friends dances up to me and jeez, when the medical residents let loose they _really_ party. “Hey, baby.” I’m pretty sure he doesn’t really know who I am as he grabs ahold of my hip and turns me to him.

He pulls just slightly on a tilt so that I land against off balance, hands against his chest. “Nice to see you again, Bill.” I wink. His eyes double in size as he quickly looks around….probably praying that Martin hasn’t seen. He hadn’t

“Oh…I…Hello again, Elaine.” He quickly steps away from me and dances off in a different direction.

I sneak a glance over to where I left Cullen and his seat is empty, which sort of induces my anxiety. Where could he have gone!? I’m almost sure that they brothers are all off beating him up or something.

Strong hands rest on my hips and I feel lips against the shell of my ear. “You’re far too fun to be out here by yourself.”

My breath catches in my throat; his words tingle through my body. I turn just slightly to look at him. “I thought you were too busy fearing for your life, Cullen” 

“Believe it or not, Edward encouraged me to join you.” A new song drops and Cullen starts to try to not quite grind against me, like, he’s observed the dancing, but doesn’t want to scandalize himself or me by actually touching the lower part of my body. I think it’s hilarious.

I notice Max glowering, so I blow him a kiss. It probably just pisses him off more.

A few songs…and another drink…later, one of Martin’s co-workers comes over. Apparently, they’re everywhere and _really_ marshing my mellow. “Elaine, I’d like to dance with this friend of yours.” She batts her lashes at Cullen, which makes me angry.

We’re facing each other, having given up on the whole grinding thing...it’s much less refined than the dancing we’d done in the past. I drape my arms around his neck and roll my body significantly more sensually against Cullen than I had been. His chest stutters, the contact having taken him by surprise. “Sorry, Kayla, I don’t feel like sharing.”

Cullen’s laugh vibrates against me as he wraps his arms around my waist. “Yours is the only attention worth having.” Those lips brush against my ear again. He is driving me _crazy_! The most awful part is, I doubt that he realizes it. I look up to chastise him and he smiles crookedly. That scar probably hurt like hell when he got injured, but jeez it makes his smile sexy.

He knows exactly what he’s doing.

His large hands and spread against my lower back, making me feel the heat of him though the fabric of my tank. I had ditched my cardigan a while ago in favor of my cooler tank. Anyway!

It almost seems like he dips his head a bit…like he’s maybe thinking about coming in for a kiss. I would not say no.

“Lane!” Martin shouts from a few feet away, and gestures with his head toward the booth were the other two brothers are sitting. “Bring the blonde!”

I bury my face into Cullen’s chest. “I don’t wanna.” He chuckles and takes my hand, leading me over to the boys.

Cullen and I sit across from the brother jury and I feel like I’m going to be reprimanded.

“So, you’ll be leaving again?” Max asks with _very_ thinly veiled anger.

I hold Cullen’s hand under the table. “Yes, if Dorian can get us back…I’ll be gone tomorrow.” Max crosses his arms. “Max! They need me. Elias is injured and….” I take a deep breath. “And Solas has unleashed an army on all of Thedas.”

“What?!” Martin smacks his hands on the table. “I knew that bastard was somehow involved!”

“If anyone can stop him it’s me.” I truly believe that. “I mean, that’s the whole reason he sent me away. He didn’t want me to stop him.”

“She’s going to go whether we like it or not.” Ed says…because he is reasonable. He sighs. “I trust you’ll take care of her, Cullen. From what I’ve heard, you would protect her.”

Cullen caresses the back of my hand with his thumb. “With my life, if necessary.” I look up at him with awe. The conviction with which he speaks is astonishing. “She was torn away from me twice. It will never happen again.”

I open my mouth to speak, but Marin cuts in. “No, you two deal with whatever your shit is later. You’re going to kill him right?”

“Not if I can help it.” I hope there is some way to come to a peaceful solution.

“If he is crazy, Elaine, you might have to consider the possibility.” Max takes my free hand with his. “Is that something you can live with?”

“Yes. He is a warmonger and traitor.” I see Cullen’s jaw drop a little at the hardness in my voice. “I am well removed from any love I had for the man. Even if I were not, he is a war criminal, responsible for the deaths of many innocents.”

“Good.” Max releases my hand and stares sternly into my eyes. “You’ll save me the trouble.”

I sigh and let my anger escape. He isn’t worth it…at least not right now. This is a party! “Oh, I think you’ll have to get in line behind Elias.”

“Among others.” Cullen mumbles.

Martin eyes Cullen suspiciously. “Blondie, what’s your deal, being here?”

“He has a name!” I spit loudly at Martin.

Cullen ignores me and starts to talk anyway. “I helped to locate Elaine. I have a special set of skills that…”

My worst brother ever laughs evilly. “If you wanted to get into her pants, you really should just…”

“Martin, enough!” Ed smacks him in the head.

Max speaks directly to Cullen. “He is just acting out because he is worried about Elaine.” He slowly turns to Marin and raises his voice, “And he doesn’t have the verbal acuity to express himself!”

“Guys!” I shout over their various grumbles. “It’s my last night here for a while. Can we just have a good time together? Please?”

Cullen stands and holds out an arm to me, just like he would have in Thedas. Always the gentleman, and he looks like it too. “Would you care for another drink, Milady?” My brother’s expressions range from annoyance to approval.

They can suck it.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Saturday!!! 
> 
> Sorry, Dorian is out for the whole chapter, but he's back in the morning. 
> 
> I had an awesome time listening to what I consider clubbing music and writing this. Also, I own an embarrassing number of cardigans.


	3. Welcome Back

A few more drinks and a couple of hours later, Cullen and I are actually dancing like every other slightly inebriated duo at the bar. Aka: full on grinding, complete with wandering hands.

He feels amazingly good against me, honestly until now there hasn’t been anything remotely sexual about our interactions. Which…I now realize…was an absolute mistake. The man has the body of Adonis _and_ the heart of….okay, so I’m trying to think of a deity who is kind and just….but I don’t think one of those exists….like….just….if there _was_ one he would have the heart of it.

We need to make better gods…

Anyway!

The point is Cullen is both damn sexy and a good person.

I’m really cursing my ability to make the _worst choices ever_.

Though, I did sleep with an ancient God….I mean….that’s not _awful_ …but he was using me, right? So that’s pretty bad…

I hate myself.

Back to the point, by the time we hail a cab to get back home, I want to climb Cullen like the sexy tree he is. …I _might_ be a wee bit tipsy….

In the backseat of the car, Cullen keeps an arm around my waist. He is softly running his fingers up and down my ribs. I get the feeling that he wouldn’t mind if I did…climb…him…

As soon as we get inside and I turn the deadbolt, I shove him against the wall and hop on my tiptoes to claim his lips with mine. He takes a sharp breath, clearly not prepared for my aggressive desires, but grabs tightly onto my hips and pulls my body flush against him.

I run my hands through the back of his immaculate hair, provoking a small groan of delight from him. It makes me smile against his kiss. As if he wants to wipe the smugness off my face, he presses his tongue to the seam of my lips. I greedily open to him; he tastes vaguely of coffee and chocolate…clearly he enjoyed my favorite drink as well.

Our kissing become more carnal as I push him toward my couch. His hands push off my cardigan and indulge themselves in exploring the bare skin of my shoulders. I sigh as he softly tickles me.

When his calves hit the sofa I shove him back to sit and sit straddling him. His hands take a new opportunity of gliding down my thighs and ending with him palming my ass. I continue my assault on his hair. I’ve wanted to run my hands through it for so long!

I break from his lips to explore down his neck. His breath catches when I tongue just back and down from his ear. I giggle against his skin and nip at the point of pleasure. Looking down, I see a new prize; his shirt lifted up enough to grant me a glimpse of his hidden skin. My hand snakes down his side and glides his shirt up enough that I can fully touch him. He is hot to the touch…perhaps he would be more comfortable if I relived him of his shirt…

My hand starts to scrunch up the fabric as I softly bite at his lower lip.

“Elaine…” The breathy way he says my name only adds to me desire.

“Yes.” I consent…assuming he is asking me for some sort of permission. I half expect to be thrown on my back and rutted on the floor.

Much to my surprise, his hand reaches up and stops me from revealing any more of his abdomen. “Elaine.” His voice is firmer, but still rough with desire. “Don’t.”

I sit up, stunned for a second before returning to that spot on his neck. “I don’t understand. You want me.” I use my words to flutter my lips against his skin.

“Oh, Maker give me strength.” He moans, rubbing a palm over his face. Cullen places a hand on my cheek and guides my face to look at him. “Of course I want you. Elaine, I have wanted you for so long.” I furrow my brow…I don’t see the problem here… “I want you to want me too.”

I let out a laugh and roll my eyes. “I think it’s very clear that I want you, Cullen.”

“You’re drunk, Elaine.” He sighs.

I scoff. “I’m not _that_ drunk.”

He caresses my cheek so gently it is almost painful. “I want to be more than this, Elaine. My feelings for you remain unchanged and I will not take advantage of your inhibitions being subdued. I want you to want me the way that I want you.”

I’m in shock. I hadn’t thought that he would _still_ _really_ care….like, when it came down to it he’d be just like all the others and simply want to fuck and run. I mean…Solas said he cared…but look what happened there. He took advantage of my naivety, he _lied_ to me. He used me. Then, I haven’t really been with any guys in the two years I’ve been home…I mean I’ve brought home some very pleasing individuals, but that was all it was: sex. Cullen wants more….he wants me…not my body…and I’m not really sure how to process that. I mean I had hoped…

“Cullen..I…” I suddenly feel significantly more sober. “I haven’t been _wanted_ in a very long time…possibly ever.”

He pulls my face to his and gives me a soft, chaste kiss. “Then they’ve all been complete and utter fools.” We silently stare for a few moments until Cullen looks up toward the bedroom. “Should we even try to sleep in there? We’ll have an early start tomorrow.”

I blush as I unseat myself from straddling Cullen’s lap. It’s painfully awkward, but I think he might be more amused than uncomfortable. “There’s plenty of room if you don’t mind sharing a bed with Dorian…and me.”

We fumble around in the dark to get onto the bed without laying on Dorian, who is thankfully pressed to one side. I lay between them. It’s nice to be bookended by my two favorite men in Thedas…well two _of_ my favorite men in Thedas…I wouldn’t want to offend Elias or Anders.

Cullen settles close to me, placing his arm beneath my head as a pillow. It’s amazingly comfortable to curl up in the crook of his arm and feel his heart beating beneath my palm. He kisses the top of my head and then covers my hand on his chest with his own, intertwining our fingers.

On the other half of the bed, Dorian shifts to his side and drapes an arm over my waist. His chest presses against my back. He sleepily grumbles something and the breath from his unintelligible protest tickles the back of my neck.

I’m dwarfed by my two best friends in my large bed. For the first time in a long time….I feel perfectly happy and protected.

* * *

The sun is shining on my face and the bed is breathing.

Just kidding, it’s a person…it’s Cullen and that knowledge brings a sleepy smile to my face.

He’s clutching me like a I’m a teddy bear; his arms are wrapped around my waist, holding me to his side with his face buried in the hollow of my neck. It’s pretty adorable. I lay there feeling his shallow breathing against my skin, happy, until I start to feel my arm fall asleep.

“Cullen?” I whisper.

He doesn’t even flinch.

“Commander?” I say louder.

Nothing. The man sleeps like a log.

I slowly free myself from his embrace. He just makes a garbled mumbling noise and rolls over. I can’t control my giggles as I shut the door quietly behind me.

Dorian is sitting in my bathrobe, freshly showered, with a hot cup of coffee in one hand and one of my books in the other. “Good morning, dear.” He gets up and walks over to my coffee pot.

My jaw drops. I didn’t show him how to do any of those tasks. None. “Dorian…I...”

“Coffee?” he asks cheerily, handing me a mug, and some sugar and half and half.

I take down a gulp of surprisingly very good caffeine. “I’m not sure how any of this happened, but I’m totally fine with it.” He is truly magic.

“A Pavus never reveals his secrets.” He kisses my cheek and returns to the couch.

I plop down next to him. “Thank you very much, oh mysterious one.”

“I seem to have missed some important developments last night.” Dorian looks over at me nonchalantly. I look up to the ceiling innocently. “Come now, Elaine. I saw the two of you intertwined with lovely little smiles on your pretty little faces this morning.”

I blush a bit as I recall my embarrassing assault on Cullen before bed. “We…um…danced.” Dorian raises a brow at me and simply waits. Even after two years he knows how to easily make me talk. “Okay, it was a party with my brothers. He met them. I think they might even like him. Anyway, we had a few drinks and danced…but dance here is different than in Thedas…think less sweeping dips and more simulated sex. And let me tell you: Cullen, _amazing_ dancer.” Dorian chokes a bit on a sip of his drink. “Don’t get so excited. I basically jumped him as soon as we got home and, like the gentleman he is, Cullen stopped me. He said his feelings were unchanged and wanted it to mean something.” Dorian is outright smiling now. “Dorian, I don’t know what to do with that. I mean, I’ve built him up in my head as this magical prince and, well, I think he might actually be that wonderful. Or, what if he isn’t….”

“What is so difficult? The man has been in love with you for the past three years and you…”

“ _Three years_?!” Now, it’s my turn to choke on my coffee.

Dorian smirks, because karma got me back for his sputter earlier. “Yes, I’d say as soon as he first laid eyes on your lovely socially awkward self. Elaine, I cannot claim to know what that tacky hobo did to you, but Cullen is not that man.”

“Dorian, he broke me. It took me half a year to start being _me_. I can’t do that again.” My vision is foggy. I thought I was done with this shit, but having my bestie here makes me so angry that I couldn’t have him around for this. We _should_ have just been able to drink wine and randomly freeze stuff until I felt better.

Instead I ate a cow’s worth of ice cream in my room by myself.

He takes my hand. “What a rustic ring you have here, Elaine. Wherever did you find it?” The look on his face shows me that he knows. I close my eyes as he rolls the ring around my finger. “I seem to remember seeing an identical one on the hand of a particular apostate.” I can hear the pity in his voice.

My jaw tightens and I open my eyes with a new resolve. “He gave it to me before he sneak attacked me back to Earth. It will stay on my hand until he dies.”

“I’m sure I could figure out how to remove it.” Dorian offers softly.

“No.” I say sharply. I do not like when I get like this, so I take a deep breath. “No, he will remove this from me. Either by his own will…or by mine.”

Dorian’s eyes are gentle as he rhythmically caresses my hand. “You were far too good for him. We shall speak no more of it.” He looks off through the window, pensive. “Cullen was one of the only reasons Elias didn’t immediately kill him when he returned without you. He said that you wouldn’t have wanted that. _That_ is how much Cullen admires you. Solas took away the woman they both loved without so much as blinking an eye and he preached mercy. After, whenever you would be brought up in conversation, when he trained Elias so that you might be found, there was a sadness in him. He hid it well, but we all knew.” Dorian sighs. “Part of him was sent through that rift with you. I’m not sure that he would even admit it.”

“How did he end up here? I mean, he doesn’t have a _happy_ history with magic and the Fade.” It makes my heart hurt to hear about Cullen while I was gone.

“He volunteered. He had the skills necessary to use the phylactery when we got through to your world, but....You may not be completely aware, but Cullen and I became quite close after your departure; we had both lost something very precious to us. Well, he said as we were about to leave that if he had _any_ chance of finding you again he had to take it. If anyone were to bring you back, he wanted it to be him. And he would never let you go again.” Dorian reaches up and brushes a tear away from my cheek. Not sure where in there I started letting them fall, but whatever. It is what it is.

My lip trembles and I can’t quite form a response. It’s overwhelming to hear. It’s strange to feel my body reacting: heart racing, stomach fluttering. I can’t believe that Cullen still loves me the same way he did when we embraced in the healing tower all those months ago.

And me? I truly think I might love him even more than I did. It’s all rushing into me, overwhelming me, like the first time I realized that I loved him.

We could be happy together.

“Sweetness, go bathe. You look like a mess.” Dorian smiles and taps my nose. “I’ll make you more coffee when you get out.” He’s giving me an excuse to be alone; I love Dorian so much.

I scrub away all the makeup and sweat from the intense evening. I also let the steamy water wash away my regrets about Cullen and my relationship….or lack thereof….he has them too, but we both need to move past ourselves if we have any chance of moving together.

Cullen is sitting with Dorian when I step out in my towel. His hair looks perfectly mussed, like how models _try_ to look. Sometimes, how pretty he is makes me _so_ _irritated_. He doesn’t quite avert his eyes the same way he did the day before. Dorian winks.

I dress in the riding clothes I had been wearing when I popped back into Earth. They fit just as well as they used to. I also grab the satchel I kept under my bed.

They look at the bag that I plop down on the coffee table with interest. I let them ponder as I go make myself a new mug of hot coffee. I’m met with expectant eyes when I sit down on the floor by the table. “For a while, I had hoped someone would come back for me. So, I made a bag to take along.” I wasn’t going to get caught out again. “It has random stuff that I want to take with me. Extra undergarments so I don’t have to wear your awful boob traps. Some beauty products. Schematics for a shower so hopefully Dagna can create one. A phone charger that works by shaking it up to gather a charge; I want to bring my own music _okay_? And some other bits and bobs.”

“That is quite a collection.” Dorian grins, pleased with my haul.

I laugh and pull the canvas satchel closed. “I thought it best to be prepared.”

My door bell rings.

Who else is there, but my three varying stages of recovery from the night before, brothers. “You guys are kidding me, right?” No one waits for me to invite them in. All three brush past me into the living room…at least Ed gives me an apologetic smile and a quiet ‘good morning’.

“You look ridiculous.” Martin eyes my Thedas men as we all join them.

Dorian looks like he’s about to have a field day. “I presume that these are your lovely brothers?”

“This is the Tevinter mage?” Max looks Dorian up and down, seriously confused by the whole ensemble and air of the man.

“Yes, guys this is…”

“Dorian of House Pavus, most recently of Thedas. How do you do?” He gives them a sweeping bow. Show off.

“And I thought Pretty Boy was weird.” Martin mumbles to Max who stifles a laugh.

Dorian looks at Cullen, offended. “Why does _he_ get to be Pretty Boy?”

I palm my face. “Okay, everyone just....oh my god…just… _Why are you here?!”_

“We are coming with you.” Max says authoritatively.

A little squeak of rage tears from my throat. “Like Hell you are! This isn’t a joke. It’s dangerous!”

“Which is why you need us.” Ed shrugs, sounding reasonable, only it totally isn’t!!!

Max raises his voice. “Either we come with you or you don’t get to go.”

I put my hands on my hips, ready to explode. They are _so lucky_ that I don’t have magic here!

Cullen shifts uncomfortably, “I would have to advise against…”

Dorian puts a hand on his shoulder and hushes him. “I want to see where this goes.”

“You can’t come with me! Martin has school and Max you have Melanie. Ed, don’t you have orphans to save in some country I’ve never heard of?!” I stomp my foot reverting to my younger sister tendencies.

I can hear Dorian snickering behind me, the jackass.

“Lane, that’s not how the Peace Corps works. Stop pouting or you’ll embarrass yourself in front of the pretty men.” Ed stares me down with a raised eyebrow.

“Thank you!” Dorian says loudly. “See, I’m pretty too.” He nudges Cullen who rolls his eyes. The mage stands taller, striding to my side and taking my hand birth marked hand in his. “I’m also one of the brightest minds in Thedas, and very dangerous.”

I feel dormant mana pulsing through my veins; Dorian is somehow casting through me….like how I channeled Solas’s mana to heal him way back when he first got here.

No clue how that is a thing.

Dorian blasts all of the brothers backward felling them all.

“Time to go!” he says quickly, raises my hand a touch and flooding me with mana.

Dorian gabs onto me like Elias did the first time I went to Thedas. The idea is that he can help channel through my inactive mark or draw on my suppressed mana pool. It works. We open the rift in my living room.

“Fuck!” Martin screams.

“Elaine, stop right now!” Max echoes.

Ed is standing, looking sad. “Be safe, little girl.”

* * *

The first thing I hear in Thedas is “Oops.” Dorian is looking around at the forest we are in the middle of. “This is not the garden at Skyhold….” He sounds baffled, yet amused at our predicament.

Nothing ever goes smoothly.

I feel woozy from the travel and sit down on the leaf padded ground. Cullen crouches down near me and looks concerned. “Any idea where we are?” He rests a comforting hand on my back. I feel really tired and Dorian looks exhausted, but not as bad as he did when he came through to Earth; I guess we shared the energy drain this time.

“None. I can’t have been that far off. We should be in the vicinity.”

The two men are staring daggers at each other, having a silent argument about whose fault this is. I take the chance to look around and spot a large path….a road.

I hear a weird rustling behind me and still…waiting for an attack, but nothing happens. I figure it must just be some sort of wildlife creature that thought better of trying to get dinner out of us.

“Guys…we could just follow the road. I’m sure we’d run into someone eventually.” I stand and start making my way to the cleared path. Their footsteps crunch behind mine, something about the sound of their movement evokes shame. Probably because I’m the one who found the solution and not them. It’s not my fault that I’m awesome.

A large cart is trotting along almost immediately. I look back at them with a smug look.

The driver slows when he sees me. “Excuse me, sir. I seem to be lost. Which direction is Skyhold?”

It’s a man in his middle age with, what I assume, is his rather sizable family packed into the back. Cullen comes out of the brush sort of abruptly. Probably worried that I’m about to get attacked or something. I’m unconcerned….but I don’t mind when he stands close with his arm around my waist.

The man gives us an approving look. “Ah, displaced from yer home? Us as well. Elves came through without mercy. ‘ Was lucky and got us all out. Just you and your husband, then?” I blush and open my mouth to protest, but Cullen gives me a pointed look, signaling me to be quiet. “Newlyweds” He man smirks. “Well, if it’s just yer two bodies, I could fit you in here. We are making our way there now.”

Dorian takes this perfect moment to pop out of the brush looking amazingly dignified. The man’s eyes grow wide. “Master Pavus?!” I look back at Dorian with a dropped mouth. How do these people know him? I mean he does have a rather distinctive look….”I’d know you anywhere! It is an honor. Name’s Rell, and this here is my family.”

The mage gives a sweeping bow to the cart that is met with awed gasps. I fight to not roll my eyes as Dorian milks it for all its worth. “I am quite happy to make your acquaintance, Rell. I was off scouting and met this delightful couple. We were on our way to Skyhold, but the poor girl tires so easily in her condition.” I’m going to _murder_ him. “I thought it would be best for us to find someone willing to take us the rest of the way.”

Rell smiles, “We would be flattered if you join our little party.” He looks at me with sympathy, “Nara was always exhausted with our first. ‘s nothing to be ashamed of.”

I am barely holding in the embarrassed anger. I’m sure Dorian is just _loving_ this. His matchmaking is in no way, shape, or form subtle. Cullen is equally pink. He rubs the back of his neck anxiously. “Elaine, we should take the man up on his offer.” He gulps. “We wouldn’t want to put stress on the baby.”

A woman who I assume is his wife, Nara, stands in the cart. “Master Pavus, you can easily ride up in the front with Rell. As for you two, we hardly have room for both you _and_ your giant of a husband.” She laughs at her description of Cullen.

“That is perfectly fine. I am sure that my darling husband would be more than happy for me to rest in his lap the entirety of the ride.” Cullen looks down at me, mortified. Hey, I get a comfy pillow for the ride. He gets stuck on the wood floor with my weight pinning him. I get the better end of the deal. “Isn’t that right, dearest?”

He gives a forced smile. “You know I can never say no to you.”

Dorian’s flare of entertainment keeps him and Rell quite happy for the ride. I hate him _so_ much. We talk mostly with Nara and her oldest son and his wife. The couple is older than I am, but younger than Cullen. They’re on the run from a small town at the outskirts of the Hinterlands. The poor people, they were run out by Solas’s armies. It makes me so upset.

It’s nice to be cuddled up against Cullen’s chest during the ride. He is solid and warm and cozy. I doze off against his shoulder as he and the son, Norton, discuss farming.

“Elaine” Cullen speaks quietly into my ear. “We have arrived.”

I stretch out against him, pulling my torso up and over. Hopefully, I’ll be able to move after sitting for most of the day. Dorian is at the end of the cart, extending his hand to help me to the ground. “Pavus!” I hiss in his ear, pretending to be using him to steady myself. “I’m going to murder you in your sleep. Or worse! I’ll hide _all_ of your hair products.”

He glares back at me. “Hey, I never know what sort of response the good Tevinter is going to get, but the lovely Fereldans would never say no to a small pregnant woman and her strapping husband. We have to work with what we have.”

“Murder. You.” I mumble as Cullen directs me around the cart. “Where are we?” I gasp. It’s a camp just brimming with people.

He takes my hand in his as we make our way behind Dorian and Rell. “This is the closest refugee camp to Skyhold. Many of the displaced peoples travel all the way here; they think it’s the safest place.” He rubs the back of his neck. “We do what we can.”

Random refugees keep gasping when they see Dorian. No one seems to recognize Cullen. It’s probably the whole not being in armor thing. He looks much more approachable. God, he’s attractive!!! The sun is starting to set, making all of the gold’s on him glisten in the light. He catches my gaze. “Yes?”

“Nothing!” I say quickly turning away.

He wraps his arm around me. “I’m sure.”

Dorian comes traipsing back over to us. “Well, should we make our way home?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday!!!
> 
> I head cannon that Cullen doesn't sleep well at all usually, but when he feels safe and secure he makes up for it by basically entering into hibernation level sleep. 
> 
> Also, Elaine is like the least threatening little sister ever. 
> 
> Next up is returning to Skyhold!


	4. Once We Were

Skyhold looks much the same as it did when I left two years ago, still majestic and wonderful.

Cullen’s voice brings me back to the present. “Elaine, before we go to Elias there is something you need to see.” He takes me up to the battlements where we had our first conversation. The view is still amazing, but instead of it being colors of green it is marred with fires and smoke. I couldn’t see it when we were on the ground.

Solas did this. He caused this pain. I raise a hand to my mouth as I gasp. “Solas, what have you done?”

“It’s like this everywhere. There are pockets of resistance in major cities, but many farms and rural areas have fallen to the elven invasion.” He sounds so sad. It must break him that his forces had been unable to save these people. I know that his own family was somewhere in rural Ferelden; I hope that they are safe.

“Cullen, I….” My voice breaks off when he looks at me. His golden eyes are striking and are full of such admiration. He is breathtaking and good. If things had been different, I could have stayed there, in Thedas with Cullen and had a very happy life. Always honest, always kind, Cullen. It’s now _very_ clear to me that Solas made me leave because he had other secret plans. Cullen would never have done that. He would have loved me openly and honestly, like I deserve. 

He shifts “Elaine.” He says my name like a little prayer and it makes my stomach flip. I pull my body against his. He’s warm against my chest. One of his hands grazes my hip as I raise on my toes to be closer. He is so tall that he has to lean down in order for our lips to meet. He kisses me so softly, it makes me weak. I wrap my arms around his neck and press deeper into the kiss. A small moan escapes his chest and he kisses me so thoroughly I forget why we are standing out here on the battlements. He is warm and strong and gentle.

When we break apart we are both breathless. He runs a hand through my hair, “Maker, I have missed you.” He is perfection.

“I’m sorry to have kept you waiting.” I smile coyly up at him, only to have my smirk stolen away by another kiss. It is less gentle than the first, and very pleasantly distracting. I pull away knowing that there is work to be done.

I force myself to look back at the horizon. I am angry again, which is good. I take Cullen’s hand. “Come, Commander. I believe there is someone waiting for me.”

* * *

My voice is shaky, just like my body. “What happened to him?” Elias is laying on the large bed in front of me and he’s frighteningly pale. He’s dying. “Why hasn’t anyone healed him?!” My horror manifests as anger….I’m screaming…

Cullen puts his hand on my shoulder as Anders speaks softly as if I’m made of glass. “In the battle with Solas, he was wounded. Some curse was placed upon him that is preventing healing magic from working…the mark is engulfing him. As it stands he is just lying there, slowly wasting away. I hoped that somehow you could help.”

How could Solas have done this to him? To me?! I’m very quiet, but manage to nod at the healer.

What could I possibly do to help?

I crawl into bed with him, moving very deliberately so I don’t jostle him. His brows raise slightly as I position myself next to him and rest my forehead against his. “Hey there, loser. Getting careless while I’m gone, I see.” I smile and laugh a little hoping to amuse him. “I know you said you’d miss me if I ever left, but these are some great lengths, Eli.”

A wheeze escapes his lips, it must have been him trying to laugh. “You know I’d do anything for you, Lane.” His unanchored hand weakly drapes itself over my waist. I take it as a sign that he wants me closer, so I oblige. My body presses flush against his and my face is nuzzled against his. His whole left side is faintly glowing green.

Finally, I realize how I can better help. We are the same person as far as the fabric of time is concerned, so we occupy the same space. I can’t heal him, but I probably can siphon the pain wracking his body into my own. It should be more effective than when I did it to Delrin. If I do this right, I should be able to pull all of the pain away. It is the least I can do. I press my mana into him and connect into the curse, gasping as the worst pain I’ve ever felt flows through my limbs.

Elias sighs in relief. It works amazingly well; like I have taken all of the agony from him and not just a little. I feel his breath steady as he finally sleeps.

I pull myself up against the pillows and hold him against my lap as he rests. Silent tears roll down my cheeks as I try to steel my mind from the pain…both from his injuries and from the horror of what is happening to him.  

Cullen walks over to me and kneels by the bed. He pulls off one of his gloves with his teeth and presses the back of his hand against my cheek and forehead. “Maker, Elaine. Are you alright?” The poor man was already over his head in stress and I had added to it. I raise a hand to hold his. “I’m fine, Cullen. I have taken the pain from his body into my own. Considering that we are the same person I was able to take all of it and not just some. I can’t say I’m comfortable, but I’m in better shape to deal with it than he is.” He kisses my forehead.

Something soft glows behind his golden eyes as he brushes away hair that has fallen into my eyes “Here.” He whispers as he takes the rubber band off my wrist. The large Commander then deftly braids back my hair away from my face and ties it. I smile weakly. “Where did you learn how to braid, Cullen?”

“You recall my sisters?” He chuckled as he played with the end of my hair. “Never underestimate the creative punishments a sister can create for her brother when he is inevitably caught looking for her diary.”

“Oh, Commander, as that sister, I am fully aware. Thank you.” I feel Elias shift on me. He seems so much smaller than I remember. I stroke his hair and hum to my sleeping brother.

“He’s happy that you’re back.” Cole says in his usually spacy manner. “It makes his heart sing. Knows you’re safe.”

Anders pipes in softly. “He was asking for you; he hasn’t been this calm in a number of hours.”

 “He is more comfortable, but it won’t be long now. I can feel him getting weaker.” I shudder. Cullen squeezes my upper arm and looks indescribably sad. “I’m going to stay here with him tonight.”

Anders nods, “I will remain as well, and perhaps the chair and ottoman would suffice, should the Commander desire to stay on the couch.”

Cullen caresses my cheek, pushing away some drying tears. “Of course I will stay.”

It will be nice to have his support.

I burrow back down laying on my side with the Inquisitor facing me. We almost look like two lovers in an intimate embrace: hands clasped between us, and every other inch of our fronts touching each other. 

“Lane?” He mumbles. I hadn’t noticed him wake.

“Yes, Eli?”

“I’m glad you’re here.”

Out of the corner of my eye I can see more familiar bodies enter the room.

“Anything for you.” I choke out. It has never been clearer that he is, in fact, my brother. “I love you, Eli.”

“I love you too, Lane. I wish we had more time together.” His breath is becoming shallower and I can feel the bed shift as more people come to sit around us.

I gently kiss his lips. “The time we had was spectacular. You are spectacular, I’ve never met a finer man.”

He smiles, but falls silent. The pain in my body increases as I take more of the increasingly worse burden from him; the spell is making it worse. I whimper, trying to keep the horrible pain from making me less of a comfort. I feel Cullen’s large hand between my shoulder blades, as if somehow it would help. To be honest, the contact does make me feel more at ease.

I didn’t know what else to do as I lay there with him, so I started to softly sing to him. I knew that he was partial to “Once We Were.”. 

_Once we were/ In our peace with our lives assured_

_Once we were/ Not afraid of the dark_

_Once we sat in our kingdom/ With hope and pride_

_Once we ran through/ The fields with great strides_

His hands grasped onto mine with more force than he had been and he smiled as I sang, but by the end of the first verse he had started to go limp with sleep beside me. I kissed his forehead and continued to sing to him. The pain waving through my body starts to lesson as he drifts into a coma like state.

“He’s still alive.” Anders assesses from the other side of the bed. “I’m just....” He can’t finish the sentence.

The inner circle all look completely devastated. “At least we all get to be here with him.” I choke out. “We could get cots…I mean…everyone could stay if they wanted…we have plenty of room in here.”

“We will stay.” Cassandra more or less orders, quietly. “It is good that we could bring you.” She smiles sadly at me.

Night falls and all of his friends are draped across various pieces of furniture in the room. Varric tells amazingly over done tales of Elias’s adventures, making everyone smile. Blackwall, much to my surprise, pulls out a lute and softly sings some of the tavern songs in Orlesian; Josephine joins him. They’re adorable together!

I’m curled up on the couch with Cullen. He anchors me from the surreal events taking place around me. I’ve barely been here for any time and I’m losing Eli.

I doze off against his chest, still exhausted from our journey.

* * *

It’s still pitch black outside when something wakes me up…so I can’t have been asleep for long.

Everyone is asleep; Cullen is behind me, holding me close.

There is a soft humming coming from the middle of the room. Elias is standing and glowing green. He looks other worldly.

“Come, Elaine.” His voice sounds like two people talking at once.

I free myself from the safety of the Commander and slowly walk toward my green brother with my hand outstretched. I probably looked like Aurora in Sleeping Beauty and everyone would have been yelling at me to stop and turn around.

I don’t.

I keep walking.

It’s very dream like.

He holds out his anchored hand to me; that is where the brightest glow is coming from and I start to reach for his hand.

“What? No! Elaine!” Cassandra yells from a few feet away stumbling to her feet.

Eli grabs my hand. The green of the anchor started to envelope the two of us. “Everyone get back!” I hear someone yell as other members of the inner circle start to arm themselves. Luckily, they obey. A new pain washes over me and I remember screaming, then everything went green.

* * *

Elias and I are standing in the room alone. It’s the Fade, I’d remember how it felt anywhere.

“Lane…I…I think I’m dead.” Eli says slowly looking at his now slightly glowing frame.

I try to be strong for him, walking up to him and pull him into a gentle hug. “I’m so sorry Eli. I wish I could have done something.”

He wraps his arms around me and rests his head on top of mine. “You did what you could. Thank you for coming back to me.”

“I’m going to kill him for what he did to you.” I growl. I’m so angry. After everything Solas did to _me_ , he topped it off with killing my brother. He has broken my heart a second time.

Eli steps back and holds me by my shoulders so he can look at me. “He is incredibly powerful, Elaine. Don’t think that he won’t kill you to get his way.” He pauses for a second and laughs. “You know, when he came back to Skyhold from Crestwood without you, I nearly beat him senseless. It took both Cassandra and Cullen holding me back. I was convinced that he had killed you. I mean, in some sense he did; you’d never be able to come back. I had lost you.”

I pull myself back into his torso, “You beat him up for me? That’s very kind of you.” I let out a shaky breath. “I’ve missed you Eli.”

“I may have been dying, but I saw you and Cullen.” He smirks, eyes twinkling. “Have you finally come to your senses?”

I laugh, “Yes, you were right the whole time, oh wise one.”

Eli pulls me close again, “Good. I know he loves you. I’m leaving you in very capable, yet gentle hands.” He strokes my back a little. “It’s your turn, Elaine. Lead them. I trust that you will be the best at striking against Fen’Harel; you know him best.”

“I won’t let you down.” I nod and start to cry into his chest.

“Hush, Lane. I am at peace. Andraste awaits me. Be good. Take care of them and yourself.” He kisses the top of my head. “I love you so much, Elaine. Thank you for being my little sister.”

I manage to say “I love you too, Elias, my darling big brother.” Through my sobs.

He steps back from me with a small smile and starts to walk toward a bright light in the distance. “I’ll see you around.” He winks at me and disappears into the portal.

* * *

I slowly wake up in Elias’s bed. When I open my eyes, I see everyone standing over me, looking worried. Cullen is sitting right beside me, I reach a hand out to him. It’s glowing. I have a green hand. I have Elias’s green hand?!

I sit up and examine my new glow, wide eyed. “What the fuck?!”

Dorian speaks up from a few feet away. “It would seem that the anchor has transferred. With regard to time and space, you and Elias _are_ the same person.”

“Where is he?” I manage to stutter out.

Cullen helps support my shaking body as I sit up. “We all saw the two of you get pulled into the rift, but only you fell back through.”

“I’m so sorry, Elaine, but he’s gone.” Anders sits on the other side of the bed.

I stand up slowly and start to walk toward the door. I really can’t be there right now. I need to not be in that room. Ever. Again.

“Elaine?” Cullen rushes to my side.

“Take me somewhere else. Anywhere else. Please.” I say softly, like my voice doesn’t belong to my body.

Dorian comes over and the two of them share some whispers before he responds. “Of course.” He takes me by the hand and walks me through some halls until we are to my old room. I look up at him, confused. “He kept it up for you, in the hopes that you would return.” He pushes open the door. Everything is just like I left it those two years ago.

I burst into tears and start to collapse to the ground. In one swift movement, Cullen scoops me up into his arms, closes the door with his foot, and sits on the bed with me. I’m inconsolable, but he sits with me clinging to him in his lap, stroking my hair and holding me close. I can almost swear that I feel wetness on the top of my head. Is he crying? What seems like hours pass, eventually, I run out of tears. I give Cullen a soft kiss, “Thank you, Cullen.” He is the sweetest man in all of Thedas and Earth. “You were his best friend, you know?” Cullen buries his head in the slope of my neck, hiding his face from me; I can feel that his own cheeks _are_ wet. “He tried to get me to see the wonder that is your love the entire time I was here.” I let out a shaky breath. “In the Fade, he figured us out….Eli was happy knowing that we had each other, even without him here.”

Cullen pulls me so close it almost hurts. “I love you, Elaine. I will care for you. I will never make Elias regret putting his faith in me.”

“Hey,” I cajole him to pull away and rest his forehead against mine. “Cullen Stanton Rutherford, I love you. Eli’s faith is well placed.”

Our lips find each other like it’s second nature, our tears mingling as they trail down our faces. We’ve both lost part of our family, but in that loss we were given a second chance to mend Thedas and ourselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Finally digs out of mountain of flip flops* I'm sorry! *Dives behind couch again*
> 
> It was in the Tags! Don't hate me! I love you! I have cake and wine and a heart full of love! 
> 
> (Maybe I should have posted Blighted Earth at a different time...)


	5. Inquisition, Will  You Follow?

The sun has risen by the time Cullen and I compose ourselves.

I take a deep breath.

It’s time to make my brother proud.

Finally, I stand up, stoic and serious. “Elaine?” Cullen questions.

“Call everyone into the throne room, please, Commander.” My voice has a previously unknown authority to it, which is kind of cool. I wish the events that made that happen had never occurred, but I can’t change it now.

He looks confused, but gives me a little bow and makes to leave. “At once, Milady.”

I open up the closet and pull out a red and gold dress. The brocade is a beautiful paisley with cream ribbon edging the sleeves, low squared neck, and the bottom of the dress. The sleeves are quarter length and the skirt is relatively full with a matching cream underskirt showing beneath the petals of the brocade. I pin my hair into an easy messy bun; that’s as good as that will get, and sit at my vanity to make my makeup flawless. I need to be perfection for what I have planned.

A few deep breaths and I go to leave my room, headed to the throne room. “Eli, help me through this.” I whisper to the sky.

I enter at the side of the large room and make to stand in front of the Inquisitor’s large throne. Varric is standing near the dais as I approach. “Good to see you, Moxie.” He gives me a little smile. “I didn’t get to properly welcome you last night.”

I reach out and squeeze his shoulder. “I missed you too, Varric.”

As I stand waiting, I hide the anchor behind my back. Slowly the room fills and Cullen comes to the front and stands beside me. “Alright, Elaine I think that is everyone.”

My head inclines, like I’ve been trained to bow, “Thank you, Commander Cullen.”

I clear my throat and raise my unmarked hand to call their attention. “Inquisition!” the hall falls silent. “For those of you who do not know me, I am Lady Elaine Trevelyan, the sister of Inquisitor Elias. I come to bring you news; words I had hoped to never utter. The Inquisitor, my brother, has died.” The crowd falls into chaos. “He was _murdered_ by Fen’Harel.” I have to raise my voice to be heard over the shouts. “I made a promise to my brother that I would lead in the Inquisition to victory against Fen’Harel and his army.” I raise my anchored hand from behind my back and everyone gasps. “I intend to keep my promise.” People start cheering, yelling threats against Fen’Harel….against Solas.

Someone shouts, “Long live the Inquisitor!”

Cullen raises a hand to hold mine, keeping the anchor in the air. “Inquisition! Will you follow?” Cheers erupt. “Will you fight?!” More cheers.

It is a serious out of body experience.

Who am I?!

I am Elias’s heir. I am his champion. I am the Inquisitor.

I look over the crowd and fight back tears. They all loved Eli too. We will avenge him.

Cullen lets my hand down, but keeps holding it. I’m honestly, really happy with the continued contact. “What now, Inquisitor?”

“Now, we plan our attack.”

* * *

A few hours later, I’m standing in the War Room with Cullen, waiting for Josephine and Cassandra to join us. Apparently there is a new Spymaster now that Leliana is the Divine, so I’ll meet him as well...I hope it’s Zevran.

“How are you?” Cullen asks, as he rubs his hands over my arms, trying to warm me up.

I grimace. “I’m doing well enough. I mean I have a plan that I think will work, but this is all really strange. I’m half sure I’m just going to wake up back at home any minute.”

Finally, we are joined by the rest of the advisors….my advisors.

Josie and Cassandra both gather me into large hugs and whisper their condolences, which is really lovely. Then, I hear a wonderfully velvety voice. “So we meet again, _bella donna_.”

I actually blush and giggle a little. What the heck is wrong with me?! I has been two years and I’m still a mess! “Hello, Zevran.” He bows and takes my hand, kissing my knuckles….then starting to tongue them. Cullen coughs a little across the room.

“Ah, I see you have the attention of one who is less…how you say, crazy? Your taste in men in questionable, my lady.” He winks at Cullen, who I’m sure is bright pink. Zevran is still amazingly intuitive, though Cullen and I haven’t really been all that secret with our affections.

“Oh, but Zevran you know how ardently I admire you.” I wink and smile at the amazingly attractive elf.

He chuckles pleasantly, “Even a blind archer hits a bullseye occasionally, yes?”

It’s good to be back.

Well…sort of.

I walk over to the table, it’s now or never. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to get down to business. The longer we take to act the more people who will be effected by Fen’Harel.” They all line up on the other side of the table awaiting my every word. Now would be a really bad time to lose the bravado that I’m faking.

“Okay, well…Josephine, we need to send letters to Queen Anora and Empress Celine as well as all of the major leaders of the Elven rebellion…so, the Keepers of the Dalish and people like Briala. Sign them Inquisitor E. Trevelyan.”  

She smiles knowingly. “They do not need to know from which E. Trevelyan said commands come. Also, Elaine, there is a King in Fereldan now.”

I love her. She is the best diplomat ever. Thank God she is on our side. “Well, send it to him instead? Anyway, exactly. We will ask for them to gather and form a plan for giving lands back to the elves. I suggest the Dales or Emerald Graves, perhaps both…both of the nations would have to sacrifice.”

“What does this accomplish?” Cassandra sighs. Clearly politics are still not something she enjoys.

“It is actually exquisite in its simplicity.” Josephine scoffs.

I hate thinking about Solas like this. “Elias was too concerned about saving the people. There will always be innocents lost...and we see where that got us...so, instead we focus on the politics. In case you are wondering, I really hate that those words are coming out of my mouth.” I dig my nails into my palms because I’m trying to be professional! “We cut off the head. If the elves can get what they want without more bloodshed, they should be more than willing to accept. If they can get what they want without Fen’Harel, then they have no need for him. He loses his power. We let the diplomats think that this was the last request of the Inquisitor before his demise. He saved their asses enough times that they owe him this.”

“What happens to Fen’Harel?” Cullen adds hesitantly.

I square my shoulders. “Leave him to me.”

_He does not know you are here. He waits in the Arbor Wilds._

“Who said that?” I ask, spinning around wildly. No one is there.

Cullen quickly steps around the table. “Elaine, it’s the Well. It’s speaking to you?”

The Well. It is the voices from the Temple of Mythal. They were transferred to me with the anchor. Shit. “Yes, they said he doesn’t know I’m here, that he is in the Arbor Wilds.” I guess I should get some training going with Dorian and Anders as soon as possible…maybe they know how to work this thing.  

“I will send scouts to the Wilds, perhaps we can begin to find you a way in.” Zevran’s voice does something to me that I’m not proud of.

“I will ready the troops to march.” Cullen says forcefully.

_You can stop him._

I place a hand on his chest, “No, Cullen. It should only be me. We can’t risk more of our forces. I can get the drop on him….if I require backup…well…I doubt I’ll live long enough to see it.”

His voice drops low, “Elaine-“

“I said ‘no’, Commander.” I assert myself because I don’t have a choice. “We’ll meet later and see how plans progress. Um…thank you all for having faith in me. I….I know I’ll really need your help…” And there goes all of that authority I just faked.

They give me nods allowing me to leave the room with Cullen right on my heels.

“Elaine!” He grabs me by the elbow and turns me to face him once we reach the main yard. “You’re being reckless.”

I sigh. I wish there was a safer way to do this or even something vaguely reasonable, but I don’t see it right now. “Cullen, please…I have to stop him.”

“I can’t lose you, you’ve only just come back.” He pleads softly, his golden eyes begging, but angry.

I reach as high as I can on my tiptoes and give him a soft kiss. “You won’t.” He pulls me into a crushing embrace, that’s hampered by his plate. We need to talk about the whole armor thing.

A teasing voice calls out beside us. “Now, _this_ I understand completely.”

Cullen lets me out of my hug cage and we turn to see a man who I’m pretty sure is Warden Alistair. “We’ll discuss this later.” Cullen growls behind me.

The Warden looks so much better than he did after Adamant!  

“Alistair!” I laugh remembering how lovely he was. I skip over and give him a hug, because I’m amazingly silly.

“Still hugging strangers, I see” He smiles and gives me a little squeeze back.

I smile, and try to look chastised. “Who are you kidding, we are old friends!”

“I came as soon as I heard about the Inquisitor.” He frowns and puts a hand on my arm. “I am terribly sorry for your loss, Milady.”

My breath catches in my throat. “I….thank you…It’s….not easy.” Cullen takes a few steps closer to me. I blink back tears.

“Oh, Lady Trevelyan, this is my Uncle Tegan, sort of…” Alistair gestures to a man who was standing beside him.

He bows to me. “I _am_ Tegan, I am _sort of_ his uncle. You really need to work on how you introduce me to people.”

“Alistair, what _are_ you wearing?” I snort looking at his brown leather armor and fur. “Do you and Cullen have the same stylist? Is there some obsession with fur by blonde warriors that I don’t know about?”

Alistair runs his hands down his side. “I don’t know, I think it looks rather nice.”

“I’m not saying it looks _bad_ , I’m just saying it’s strange. And what is this?” I reach for a metal circlet on his head. “Who decided _this_ was a good idea? How long have I been gone?!” I laugh and spin the head jewelry around my finger.

Alistair is clearly doing his best to not double over laughing. “You know, I ask myself that question every day.”

Zevran pops up beside us, lowering a bow. “Elaine, darling, do you remember me talking about my friend who was a royal bastard in many ways?”

“Yes. I don’t understand the relevance.” I purse my lips together, confused.

He takes Alistair’s hand and mine and put them together. “Inquisitor Trevelyan, I would like you to meet King Alistair of Ferelden.”

Both of our jaws drop.

“Inquisitor? Really?” Alistair cocks his head to the side and looks me up and down.

“I screwed up, didn’t I, Your Majesty?” I look at what is most certainly a crown in my hand. Alistair just laughs and pulls me into another hug.

“Oh, I like her. I’m glad they didn’t replace the Inquisitor with someone boring.” A beautiful woman who kind of looks like me steps forward from beside Tegan.

“I’d like you to meet my lovely wife.” The look of complete adoration on his face is inspiring.

I curtsey. “Your Highness.”

She makes a face of disgust. “Oh, not you too.”

I’m struck by the similarities between her and me. We really look like we could be sisters. Cullen starts coughing next to me. I turn around and tilt my head. “Commander, are you alright?”

“Good to see you again, Cullen. It’s been a very long time.” She is unfazed by his astonishment. “Cullen was a Templar in Kinlock Hold where I underwent my Harrowing. We had a bit of a thing.” She giggles.

“Maker’s Breath.” Cullen groans. “If you call my stuttering like a fool every time I saw you a thing, then yes.”

“Oh, it was more than that.” Alistair looks at me sympathetically.

“I was 18.” Cullen pleads to Solana.

She giggles, “Yes, and we were smitten!”

“So, you’ve got a thing for the forbidden, hm?” I turn toward a bright pink Cullen, and wink.

He tries his best to change the subject. “El…Inquisitor, we should really discuss tactics with the King and…”

I look over at Tegan. “I’ve completely lost interest in what is going on here.”

He shrugs trying not to smile, “Such is life. You should hear some of the awful back and forth I usually am stuck with. This is at least entertaining.”

“Oh, I _really_ like her!” Solana advances on me, wrapping arms around my middle. “Can we take her home?!”

Alistair rubs the bridge of his nose. “Darling, despite the proclamation that Ferelden will claim her as our sister does not mean that she is, in fact, our sister. You can’t just take her with you. She is not a child.”

He elbows Solana and she shakes her head exasperated, just like Cullen does to me. “Speaking of which, how old are you, Elaine? Taking on the title of Inquisitor would be a burden on anyone, but I understand you are the _younger_ sister of Elias.”

I’m not. I swear to God I’m 26. But, a Thedas 26 and an Earth 26 are two very different ages. I’ve never known hardship like the people here my age, nor have I had to do anything without technology. So, I keep up the lie. “I’m 22, I realize it is a huge job, but someone has to do it and Eli thought I could…so here I am. I have a great team surrounding me….”

Alistair crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow at Cullen, “22, Commander?” Cullen turns bright pink, again. Not a good way to start whatever it is that we have going on. He’s what, ten years older than me, really? That’s not a big deal.

I wrap Cullen’s arm around my waist. “I’m an experienced 22.” I make my voice deep and seductive. Both now men match in their embarrassment. Cullen immediately lets me go.

Solana giggles and takes my hands in hers. “You are positively delightful, Elaine.”

Zevran steps into the circle. “If I may, what if you _do_ take her back. Imagine what it would be like to have two of them in your home, I know I often do.” Zevran almost purrs at the idea. Alistair turns even pinker. “It seems our strapping Ex-Templars have a type: slight brunette mages, yes? I find myself agreeing.” It sounds like Cullen is muttering some prayer behind me.

“Oh, Zev, stop it.” Solana smiles waving a hand in dismissal, but clearly loving every moment.

I giggle like a school girl when he turns his gaze on me.

Solana looks at Zevran incredulously. “Really Zev? Use your powers for good, not tying the poor girl into knots.”

“She is so beautiful when she blushes.” He pouts to Solana, before locking sensual eyes with me.

“She’s also your boss.” She counters.

“It’s never stopped me before, Warden Commander.” He winks, still staring at me.

I can’t move, It’s like I’m under some spell when he’s here! 

“Zev, she is 22 and you are…not.” Alistair adds.

Zevran bristles at the slight mention of his age. “Low blow, Your Majesty.”

Cullen comes back up to me and puts a hand on my shoulder; his laughter pulls me out of my stupor. “I’m glad that you find this so funny, Commander.”

“You find a great deal of enjoyment in my torment, turnabout is fair play.” He leans down, his lips brushing the curve of my ear, “Besides, he’s right; you are beautiful when you blush.” I, of course, feel myself turning pink. Cullen places a gentle kiss on my temple as he chuckles.

Alistair and Solana are standing with their arms around each other. “Do you still look at me like that?” She asks, rubbing her forehead softly against his.

“Every moment.” He kisses her forehead with a dreamy smile.

Solana sighs happily. “Come, husband, and let us leave the new lovebirds alone. I fear two pairs will make the whole of Skyhold sick with envy.”

As soon as their backs are turned, I launch into another kiss assault on Cullen. It takes him a second to adjust, but reciprocates. I pull away and set myself down, “Cullen, you’re _really_ only ten years older. I don’t wish to shame you with my age…”

“Darling, you could never shame me.” He brushes some hair behind my ear.

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that. You haven’t really been stuck with me very long.” I laugh. I am really a terror.

He sighs with a smile. “I just won’t hear the end of this from my men.”

I make a hungry sound roll through my core. “About how jealous they are that their Commander is so handsome, strong, intelligent, and kind that he couldn’t escape the attention of the new Inquisitor?”

“I-“

“That you are one of the most eligible bachelors in all of Thedas and happened to be set upon by me?”

“I was ‘set upon’ by you?” He says disbelieving. “Who is to say that I did not seduce the impressionable Lady Inquisitor?”

Dorian and Anders saunter up, with Dorian answering the question for me. “Of course you were, Commander. I doubt you would have taken a _stab_ at it.” Both Cullen and I are speechless, this time I am the bright pink one. “Elaine, a smooth talking Spy Master sent me to come test your abilities now that the anchor is attached to you.”

“Your brother was no a mage, which means we do not know how your power could be effected.” Anders adds, dragging me from Cullen and into a bear hug with him. “Welcome back, love” he says softly into the top of my head. The man is so tall. They’re all so tall! Standing by the three of them, I _do_ look like a child. Anders is staring at me, not letting me go from his hug. He looks amazingly troubled.

“Anders?”

As if waking from a trance, “I…Um…It’s nothing…Are you feeling well?”

“Aside from everything that has happened in the past few days, I’m fine.”

“Okay, well….let’s get to work.” He doesn’t sound any less disturbed.

So, that’s weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delayed update! I was out of town this weekend for a cousin's wedding (which was lovely), but I just got home.
> 
> I hope that you had an awesome weekend! My university starts back up tomorrow, so back to work I go!


	6. Sweet Dreams

Cullen and I hole up in his office going over reports about where troops are and what sort of resistance we are facing. Ultimately, it’s his responsibility to summarize it for me, but I want to actually understand what I’m getting into.

“Okay, now explain the format again…this time slower…” I groan fisting my hands in my hair as I prop myself up on the desk.

He sighs and sets down the stack of paper in his hands. “We really don’t need to be doing this.”

“Cullen, I can’t screw this up! We need the troops to keep moving like Elias had them. We can’t show that there has been a change in tactics.” I tilt my head up to look at him, “I thought that maybe this could help me get in Eli’s head.”

“Everything will be fine, besides when we remove a few companies for the assault on the Wilds I’m sure he’ll notice.” He shrugs.

He’s trying to just sort of slip in _his_ plan for dealing with Fen’Harel…like I wouldn’t notice.

My eyes narrow, “Good thing that won’t tip him off…because we won’t be doing it.”

“Elaine, I will not allow you to…”

I slam my hands on the table, suddenly furious. “Would you have _ever_ said anything like that to Elias?!”

“He was a trained noble warrior.” Cullen grits his teeth, but doesn’t raise his voice with mine.

“So, this is about me being a mage?” I scoff, bitterly.

He pinches the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes, trying to keep his temper under control. “It is about you being completely untrained and foreign.”

“Anders and Dorian were impressed with what I can do!” I’m pouting. On some fronts he’s right, but at the same time he’s making decisions based on his feelings and not on his job. Unacceptable.

“You _fix_ people, Elaine. You support them. You are _not_ a battle mage. What are you going to do? Heal him to death?!” He throws his hands in the air in frustration, laughing a little.

I’m spitting my words and gesturing wildly. It’s not flattering, but I’m pissed. “He won’t hurt me. If he was going to he wouldn’t have sent me away in the first place. I’m his weakness.”

“I will not allow you to put forth such an operation.” His voice commands compliance….he won’t get it.

“How _dare_ you? You will not treat me like a child, _Commander_. I can make whatever choice I want to! I _will_ do as I please.” I smirk, “Get on board and you’ll save yourself a great deal of disappointment.”

Cullen abruptly stands up and slams his chair onto the ground, making me yelp from across the table. He is wild with anger. “He _killed_ your brother. Did you forget that?!” The hurt from Eli’s sudden passing makes his eyes a darker amber. I can’t forget how close the two of them were…

“Of course, I didn’t! He will pay for what he did.” I will destroy Fen’Harel.

It’s not the answer Cullen is looking for…He quickly stalks across the room. I back away…right into a wall. He pushes my back flush to the stone with a flat palm and rests his other hand on the wall beside my head. “He’ll kill you too.” He sounds terrified despite his anger.

“No,” My voice is barely a whisper as I twist the ring around my finger. “He couldn’t.” No matter what he has done since…there is a serious part of me that cannot conceive of him _actually_ hurting _me_ other people? Clearly. Me? Never.

Cullen’s eyes soften. “I’m not willing to test that theory.” He brushes a kiss to my forehead. “I want to keep you safe…for me…for Elias. Please, at least consider my concerns.”

I nod, not trusting myself with words. It’s not like anything I say would be helpful anyway…I’m going in alone not matter what Cullen says….

“It’s late.” He steps away, taking my hand in his. “I’ll walk you to your room.”

I dig my feet in. “Please….don’t leave me alone.” Pitiful. I know. I sound pitiful. I feel pitiful.  I just don’t want to be left alone with my thoughts and the fact that Elias is gone…that Solas did it…not Solas. Fen’Harel.

“It wouldn’t be….Elaine we….” Cullen is seemingly convincing himself out of every possible argument that would prevent him from staying with me; he winces a little, then relents. “You can stay here. The bed is still up the ladder.” I bury my face in his chest, thankful that he was letting his sense of propriety chill for a bit.

I climb up in to the homey little loft, God knows how I managed that in my dress. “Cullen. It has been _two years_.”

“And?” he responds from the floor below.

“You _still_ have a hole in your roof?!” I cross my arms and am ready with a glare when he reaches the second floor.

“I like watching the stars.” He lies. I keep staring. “I am still uncomfortable with completely closed in spaces for long periods of time.”

I knew it. Poor guy.

Cullen moves behind me and slowly starts unlacing my dress; I’m honestly not sure how I got into it by myself. He brushes a kiss on the nape of my neck before allowing me to undress myself, and for him to go take off his armor.

I crawl into bed with a little slip that was under my dress…it’s not lingerie, but I’m not fully clothed like I was when we slept together the other night.

He changes into some loose fitting pants and then just sort of stares at a threadbare tunic that he seems to be debating wearing.

“If you’re thinking about protecting my girlish sensitives by wearing a shirt, you are far too late Cullen.  Just be comfortable.” I shrug, rolling over to not make it a big deal…and by that I mean so I won’t just gawk at his body. “I promise I won’t bite.”

A muffled sound of frustration comes from him as he slides himself under the covers beside me, but far enough away that we aren’t touching. He blows out the candle on the bedside table and we lay in silence.

So, this isn’t awkward at all…

It’s so freaking cold in here!

I start shivering.

“Are….are you cold?” I know there is concern on his face just by the sound of his voice.

I make a point to stay facing away from him. He probably isn’t thrilled that the wimpy new Inquisitor is guilting him into sharing his bed. “We are in the mountains, I’m sleeping in a chemise, and there is a fucking _hole in your roof_. Yes. I’m cold.” This is ridiculous. The whole thing.

The bed shifts and I feel a strong arm wrap around my waist, pulling me to a warm chest. So, he chose not to wear a shirt. He settles his head on top of mine. The heat of his body against my back makes my heart race. “Is this better? I mean… I can…”

“No, Cullen this is lovely.” With a combination of his body heat as well as the almost embarrassing lust running through me….I’m nicely warm now. I decide to look back at him, his golden eyes glowing in the moonlight. “Thank you.”

He smiles and ghosts a kiss across my happily surprised lips. I roll over so that our chests touch and return the intimate caress. Cullen cradles my cheek and nuzzles his face against mine. The adoration, the soft loving, makes me want to cry. “Good night, Elaine.” He guides me to lay down as he embraces me tightly against him.

My hands happily rest against his chest, his heart beating beneath my palms. “Sweet dreams.” I sigh against his skin.

He squeezes me a little tighter…if that was even possible…and we drift off to sleep.

* * *

It’s hot.

Everything is dark and tinged a red.

Is this the Fade?

The Fade is green-ish.

There’s movement all around me. People start moving into the dim light.

Only they aren’t people.

They’re…orcs? Like from Lord of the Rings? And Trolls?

What the hell kind of dream is this!?

They’re grotesque with rotting flesh and exposed bits of bone all over. They growl and roar. Off in the distance a wolf is howling.

“Okay, self, now would be a good time to wake up.” The monsters keep getting closer, surrounding me.

My blood starts to heat; I’m boiling from the inside out. I start to scream as I fall to the ground, shaking.

Then, the growls and moans of the monsters start to become more coherent. “Mother” They keep saying…like I’m some demented monster baby cannon.

“No! Please stop!” The orcs get closer, they start to try to touch me.

“Go way! No!”

They descend on me and start taking bites out of my flesh. Every single one makes it feel like death would be a privilege.

I’m screaming.

I’m dying.

* * *

I bolt up out of bed, screaming, whimpering.

“Elaine! Elaine, you’re alright. I’m here. It was just a nightmare” Cullen has both of my wrists restrained against his chest with one of his large calloused hands. With his free hand he cups my cheek, gently caressing my skin. “You’re safe.” His voice is kind, but firm. “I’ve got you.”

I pant, catching my breath, tears threatening my eyes.

He holds my face firm, but sweet, not allowing me to look anywhere but his eyes. “Breathe, my heart. I’m here.”

“Monsters.” I sputter. “They…”

“Just a bad dream.” He softly coos, pressing my hands to his bare chest.

I sit up and crawl into his lap, wrapping my legs around his chest and winding my fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck. He holds me tightly to him, protecting me from my imaginary demons.

There is a soft thump in the corner of the room. “Perhaps the lady’s screams were of a different kind?” A smooth Antivan voice wafts into the room.

I gasp in shock. “What are you? Fucking Batman?!”

“I am unfamiliar with this Batman….is he alluring?” Zevran responds with a cheeky grin. He’s standing off behind Cullen’s back.

My horror is momentarily forgotten. “No…but yes…I…”

Cullen’s chest forms an irritated, but resigned, groan against me. “Elaine had a night terror, a thing which I am more than capable of handling.”

“I too am well acquainted with those things that come in the night.” He pulls out a thermos from underneath his black cloak. I’m serious. He is sexual batman. “This tea will send you into a dreamless slumber, _bella donna_. I think it may be useful to you, yes?”

My human safety blanket…chair?...strokes the back of my sweat dampened hair. “Thank you, Zevran.” He is really not into the whole spymaster being in his loft thing.

“I will leave you two handsome lovers be.” Zevran winks and sets the canister down, then promptly flips out the window.

Cullen sighs and rests his forehead against my shoulder.

“You know, you could just get that damn hole fixed…” I snicker. He looks up and gives me a halfhearted glare, then yawns. “Sleepy?” I smile nudging his nose with mine.

He smiles softly. “Okay, why don’t you go get the present from your secret admirer?” I don’t move, still clinging around his body. “You’re not going to get off of me, are you?” I shake my head vigorously into his neck. He chuckles. “Alright then.” He scoots to the edge of the bed with me wrapped around his torso, then heaves himself up, holding onto my thighs to help me stay on him. Cullen walks over to the little table where Zevran left the tea and reaches down with both hands, acting like nothing is out of the ordinary. So I’m just using all my strength to hold onto him as he pours me a little bit of the brew. I giggle madly, shirking off all of the residual fear from my dream. He walks us back to the bed, sits down, and hands me the small cup/lid. “Here. Happy?”  

I nod and take the tea from him. “Thank you.” It’s an awful herbal blend that mostly tastes like grass. I make a disgusted face as I down it.

It reminds me of….no….don’t think about him.

Almost immediately I can feel the effects; there must be more in that than just a way to keep dreams at bay. “Strong.” I mumble as I flop out of his lap and onto the bed, legs still surrounding him.

He looks down at me, lovingly, brushing some hair out of my eyes. “Good night, Elaine.”

* * *

It is well past sunrise when I wake up…but before noon….I never got any good at deciding what time it was without a damned clock!!!!

Cullen is gone from the bed, but on the table next to me there is a little thermos, a scone, and a note.

_Good morning, Beautiful._

_I hope you are not cross that I let you sleep. There were early drills scheduled this morning that I could not miss and you were far too peaceful for me to wake. I left you some coffee and breakfast (I know you eat light in the morning), and Josephine should be there sometime this afternoon with a change of clothes and your itinerary for the day._

_I’ll think of nothing but you until you are once again in my arms and away from prying eyes,_

_Cullen_

I muffle a squeal of infatuation into my pillow and kick my legs like an excited little girl after I finish his morning love note.

The coffee is still warm and as I sip I hear the door below me open. “Lady Trevelyan?” Josephine calls timidly.

Dorian scoffs at Josie’s politeness. “Time to join the world, you little minx you. Naked or not, here I come!” He begins to climb the ladder.

“Master Pavus, that is most uncalled for.” The ambassador scolds.

Dorian is unfazed.

I sit on the bed still in my lace tank, bra, and underwear as I sip my life’s blood. “Can’t stay away, can you?” I wink as he flops down onto the bed beside me.

“Oh.” He rolls his eyes and waves a hand. My dress for the day floats up to the loft with us.

“Thank you.” Josie hollers from below.

“Josie, you can come up!” I yell down.

Eventually, my lady-like ambassador makes it up to the loft. “I ask that we prepare quickly, there are some guest who are most eager to meet you.”

“More people?” I groan. “Is it Alistair again? I already met him.”

“No, it is not His Majesty.” She glares as she uses his title, like she is trying to passively scold me into using it as well. Not going to happen. “We have planned for a symbolic funeral pyre to occur in honor of your brother. There is much to attend to.”

I frown and Dorian pulls me into a side hug. “It’ll be alright.”

“Finish your beverage, then we will be on our way.” Josie says sympathetically.

“What time _is_ it?” I ask looking up at the sun.

Josie and Dorian glance up then answer “11” in unison.

“How do you people do that?!” I yell.

* * *

A few days later, at sunrise, I’m surrounded by a smattering of nobles from various regions around Thedas. They are joining the Inquisition to pay respects to our Inquisitor.

Usually his parents would light the pyre, but they were delayed by a storm on their way here. Hopefully they’ll make it within the next two weeks.

So, like I said. I’m standing alone with a huge ass torch lighting a huge pile of sticks with Elias’s armor set up on top of them. I’m wearing a sleek black dress that will (hopefully) not catch fire.

It takes a few seconds, but the bonfire lights. Leliana…Divine Victoria…starts to sing. Her voice is beautiful. She sings of the Maker and the peace that those who find their way into his arms feel. I’m sure that Elias made it there.

On a nearby hill, I see the outline of a cloaked figure. My brows furrow…who would be mourning from a distance? Everyone was invited to the pyre. All could pay their respects. The person’s eyes catch the early rays of the sun and almost seem to glow.

A strong arm circles my waist, pulling me from my confusion. Cullen helps me set the torch into the appropriate place and guides me a few steps back. I bury my face into his chest and let my tears flow. He lovingly caresses my shoulder blade and makes me feel safe….comforted.

The pyre will remain lit all day, then when the sun sets, it will be allowed to burn out.

Then, we can officially put Elias to rest.

….Then, I can truly begin to be the Inquisitor….I can seek justice for the wrongs done to the world.

I will find Solas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy weekend!!!
> 
> I'm back in semester and finishing up my thesis, so I might go down to posting just one chapter a week for a while. I'll play it by ear. 
> 
> Thank you all for being awesome! 
> 
> Also, I imagine Zevran, perched on the battlements like some gargoyle...for whatever reason...


	7. Dungeon-y

A few weeks pass and everything in Skyhold is starting to seem normal…well…aside from the part where I’m in charge.

Weird, right?

One afternoon, Cullen and I are just sort of standing near the stables chatting.

“Elaine! Stanton! How nice it is to finally see you!” A vaguely familiar man calls to us. Well, and there was only one time where Cullen went by “Stanton”. He really hates his middle name. I think it’s fantastic.

“Norton?” I smile amazed to have seen the random guy we spend a few hours with in the cart. “What are you doing here? Finally give the camp the slip?”

“Well, yeh know, with the war and all, I decided to join on! I only just got equipped; I’ll start drills tomorrow! I hear the Commander ‘s a fierce man.” He brags excitedly, then looks at me kindly. “How’s yer baby? I’m sure yer just fit to be tied. I know I was my first time, well every time, really.”

I look up at Cullen, who is suddenly dumbfounded. “Um…Norton…We….”

“Commander!” A man rushes over with a clipboard. When he gets closer he bows to me, “Lady Inquisitor.”

Norton pales.

“Um..yes…well…you see, Norton. Cullen _Stanton_ Rutherford and I were in a bit of a pinch…” I stammer, feeling amazingly guilty.

“Aye. So yer not Stanton and Elaine from South Reach?” Norton smiles softly. He’s taking this far better than I would have expected!

We shake our heads.

“Not married and with babe on the way either I suspect?” Another shake.

“Not yet.” I mumble bumping Cullen’s hip with mine…well more like his thigh with my hip.

Cullen turns pink and mumbles something that has ‘Maker’s Breath’ somewhere in it. Norton laughs.

“We really can’t thank your family enough for helping us, and the fact that you’re now joining our fight…we are indebted to you.” I give him a small curtsy.

“ ‘Twasn’t nothin’ Milady.” Norton blushes at the formal attention given to him by me…the Inquisitor.

“Commander?” I put a hand on Cullen’s arm. “Could you please see that Norton as well as the rest of his family are moved into Skyhold?”

He smiles down at me, pleased with my decision. “There is always room for good, loyal people in the officer’s quarters.” That’s my man! “We’ll have them moved immediately.”

“That is, of course, if you want to.” I say quickly to Norton.

“Yer too kind, Sers.” His voice quakes with emotion.

Cullen stands tall in Commander mode. “Ser Norton, I will see you bright and early for morning workouts.”

Norton salutes. “Yes, Ser.” He struts off, presumably to tell his folks the good news.

The soldier who originally blew our cover clears his throat. “Commander? I need you to look over these reports.”

“I’ll see you later.” Cullen smiles, giving my hand a quick squeeze before walking off.

I sigh and watch my tall blonde Templar strut away. He has been allowing me to stay in his loft since that first night and it has been amazing. He is always so warm and cozy and tender. Still no sex, but I think we might be getting close...if the previous night’s make out is any indicator.

But…the dreams haven’t stopped, I’d even argue that they are getting worse. Zevran hooked me up with more of the sleep tea…and Cullen has just been blaming it on stress…but I don’t know. It just seems….strange.

Headaches too…dull throbbing behind my eyes. It just started a few days ago.

I haven’t told anyone.

I figure maybe I just need glasses….or it’s a tension headache. We’ll see.

“Good afternoon, _bella_.” A voice near my shoulder shocks me from my thoughts.

I jump about a foot in the air. “Jesus, Zevran! Could you please lay of the ninja-ing?! You’re going to give me a heart attack one of these days.”

He smiles, self-satisfied that he continues to keep me on my toes. He’ll be the very attractive death of me. “My mistake. I had thought that perhaps you would wish to see our holding cells. There are a few individuals your brother did not finish judgments for as well as some random rabble rousers.” He has been keeping a tighter hold on his sexual spell over me. I guess he listens to Solana?

“Wait. Eli left people?!” I can’t imagine him staying his hand for any reason when judgement is on the line. 

Something flashes in Zevran’s eyes. “A particular prisoner was to be held until you returned.”

I tilt my head to the side. Still doesn’t make sense. “Um…okay. I guess let’s go…” I look around for Cullen to tell him where I’m off to.

“You may wish to leave the Commander behind.” Zev says quickly, because he obviously knows what I’m doing.

I had never been in the dungeons.

They’re…dungeon-y.  I know…I’m a master of description. It’s cold, kind of damp, and dark. Lots of stone, okay?! I’d rather not be down there.

Zev motions to a cell near the back of the long hall. “The Inquisitor is here to see you.” My spymaster says in probably a more jovial way than one would normally talk to a prisoner. “Maybe you’ll be lucky this time.”

I step forward and shadowed in the corner is a man with dark hair who won’t look toward us. He actually looks really sick. I frown and crouch down…I mean it’s not like I’m an imposing figure, but It can’t hurt to be gentle to a person who has been locked up for who knows how long. “It’s okay.” I say gently, “I don’t know what Elias was like, but I promise to not hurt you.”

Ever so slightly I see Zevran tensing beside me, putting a hand on what I assume is a hidden dagger. So, maybe this is a _real_ bad guy.

Slowly, he begins to shift and I see the reddened eyes and sallow skin. “Samson.” I gasp and fall back onto my ass. It’s rather undignified, but what do you expect.

“Hello Lady Inquisitor, I see that the tables are turned.” He speaks so softly that I can only just hear him. I totally understand why Zevran didn’t think that Cullen should be here. He would be _pissed_. “What will you do with me?” This seems like a bad idea.

We sit in silence for a while. “I don’t know.” I mean, I really think that he made a series of really poor decisions and ended up at the head of an army trying to destroy the world. Okay…a _long_ series of _really_ poor decisions. You don’t just wake up one morning and go ‘well guess I’ll help destroy everything!’

“What happened to you, Samson?” I shake my head, crossing my legs as I sit more purposefully on the ground. He appraises me, like this is somehow a trick. “I’m not afraid of you. I feel bad for you. I also don’t plan on killing you, so let’s get over that right now.”

Zevran looks down at me with an impassive face, but I’m sure there is something going on in his head…maybe he’s pissed that I’m not just lopping Samson’s head off….I know Eli would have been...Also Cullen.

“Why would you not end my miserable life?” The prisoner growls. “I threatened yours.”

I sigh and really try to not think about the Temple of Mythal and the events that occurred. It was not the most fun I’ve ever had. “Your tough guy act won’t work on me. I’m really fucking tired of people wearing masks, buddy.” I raise my voice making him blink a few times. I clear my throat…so, that was weird of me. Quickly, I’m calm again. “I don’t believe that you would have done anything you threatened. Well, maybe Corypheus would have killed me, but you wouldn’t have let you men hurt me.”

He scoffs. “You don’t know me.”

Cullen had me look over the reports from what happened with the hunt for Samson while he was getting me up to speed. “Maddox.” I say the name of his Tranquil firmly. Samson freezes. “You got kicked out of the Templars for him, but you continued to try to help him….even if _he_ was gone. I think you joined the Red Templars because the Chantry took everything from you and you _truly_ thought you might have been able to help people like you. But…you originally joined the Templars for a reason.  I choose to believe that it was because you were honorable.”

Samson’s face is pensive, but the hurt in his soul shines behind them. “It has been a long time since I was called honorable. What makes you think I can be?”

“I love a man who could have easily been you. Your pains are two sides of the same coin.” I glance up at Zevran, who looks kindly at me. “I think that maybe Dagna could use his help. Maybe we’ll figure out some more about red lyrium. We can move him out of the cell into a guarded room, perhaps?”

“That can most certainly be arranged, Inquisitor.” Zev gives me a small salute.

Samson is glaring at me, which might actually be the natural state of his face at this point.

I get up onto my feet with a hand from my advisor. “Welcome to the Inquisition, Samson.”

“Raleigh.” Samson replies. My head tilts to the side. I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean. “Inquisitor, my name is Raleigh.” He clarifies, sounding pissed.

“Well, Raleigh, Welcome. Oh! And please, Elaine.” I smile warmly. Maybe I did get through to him.

Zevran and I start to walk back out of the cells. “Your methods are intriguing, _bella donna_.”

“You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, my friend.” I sing.

As we pass a barred door I hear a familiar voice that sounds like it comes from a throat lined with glass. “Little girl.”

My heart drops.

I spin around looking wild. “Where is that coming from?!”

“Inquisitor?” Zevran’s face scrunches up with concern.

“Where, Zevran!?” I yell.

He snaps and a guard comes out from an alcove. “Sir, My Lady, This man was making a fuss in the refugee camp. He called the Inquisitor by name and spewed nonsense. We thought him mad or an assassin. He has been imprisoned here since.”

“Open. His. Cell.” I say softly, dangerously.

The guard fumbles for his keys, clearly not prepared to deal with the wrath of the Inquisitor.

“Taking too long!” I hiss, shoving him out of the way. Easily, some fire melts away the locking mechanism and the door squeaks open.  

I burst into the dark and barely decorated room. There’s a cot and a bucket. That’s it. Anger. I am so angry I’m almost seeing everything in red. Huddled up in the far side of the room is a shaggy man, but I’d know his hazel eyes anywhere. “Ed!” I choke, sliding onto my knees at his side. His dark hair is unkempt, starting to curl, and he almost has a full beard. One of his wrists is attached to a long chain that comes from the center of the cell. “Hold on, this might be a little uncomfortable.” I melt the lock on his hand and rip off the manacle.

“Our little girl come to save the day.” He smiles before he abruptly starts coughing.

“Fuck!” I groan, pushing back his hair to see a blackened eye and clearly broken nose. Who knows what sort of damage is beneath his rough cloth clothes.

“Language, Elaine.” He chides with a grin. Edward is trying to cheer me up despite his awful condition.

I throw myself into his arms which weakly embrace me. He hisses when I hit against his side. “I’m so sorry.” Tears threaten my eyes as I sit back and look him up and down. “I can fix you. Just…don’t freak out, okay?” My hands start to glow with healing magic as I wash away the damage.

Ed groans in relief as his internal bleeding dissolves and any fractures fuse back together. “You weren’t joking about magic.”

“How?” When we opened the rift they were all thrown back. He shouldn’t have been able to get through!

“Martin.” He rolls his eyes. “I made it to my feet first after your friend knocked us down. You were disappearing through the portal and Martin kicked me so that I tumbled through as well. I saw you three in the forest, but was kind of freaking out, so I didn’t call after you. Instead I followed the cart you got into. At the camp I kept asking people if they knew you or how to find you. Apparently, that wasn’t a good idea.” He gestures to the cell around him. “You’re rather important.”

My lips starts to tremble as I fight back tears. Ed takes me back into a hug and makes shushing noises. I can’t believe I got him dragged into this. I’m going to murder Martin when we get home. These people, _my_ people, beat him. They hurt my brother.

One of my headaches springs up and along with it comes anger.

I push back and stand.

“Ellie?” Ed tries to get my attention with my Earth nickname.

“Who is responsible for this?” I roar, storming back into the hall of the dungeon.

The guard who opened the door trembles, but Zevran steps forward. “These people are my responsibility. This man caused trouble and the guards thought it best to contain him.”

I black out.

The next thing I am aware of is “Drop your weapons, _bella_.”

My vision clears and I’m looking at a horrified Ed who is being held back by a number of guards. “Let her go!”

Something blunt is poking me in the back and Zevran’s arm is wrapped around my shoulder with the cold blade of one of his daggers against the skin of my neck.

I’m holding my daggers. I’d forgotten that I even had them on me. I started taking lessons back in Earth just so that I could defend myself in case I came back…I hadn’t even used them here.

“Oh my god.” I whisper as my weapons clamber to the ground.

Zevran grabs my shoulders in his hands and spins me to face him. His gaze is hard. There’s no trace of humor.

What did I do?!

He’s bleeding.

I dart my eyes around trying to understand. Trying to remember. “Zev…did I….?” His brow furrows. “I don’t know what happened.” I whisper, terrified.

My eyes start to get foggy as tears threaten.

He smiles, but it doesn’t meet his eyes. “Of course, _bella donna_. Distress can cause such a reaction. Do you feel well?” So, I blacked out due to stress and tried to kill my friend? Things that would not hold up in court…

I feel fine now…well aside from being mortified. I nod. “I’m so sorry.”

“I was unaware that you actually knew how to use the blades you carried.” Zev smirks, still with cold eyes. “You got the drop on me, but have no fear, you never would have done any real damage to a master, such as myself.”

“Zevran.” I frown looking at the blood tricking down from his nose. “Do you mind if I fix it? I won’t forgive myself if you have any lasting damage.”

He hesitates for a second, but releases my arms and nods. “Who _is_ this man you went crazy over?” he pries as I heal his break.

“Master Arainani, I would like you to meet Edward Trevelyan. Ed is one of my brothers.”

I hear the guards behind me shuffle around, I assume letting go of Ed. “A pleasure, Lord Trevelyan.” Zevran inclines his head slightly once I remove my hands from him.

“Likewise?” Ed answers moving closer to put an arm around my waist. “Ellie, are you okay? I’ve never seen you…”

“Thedas is not a joke, Ed. It’s dangerous here. _I’m_ dangerous here.” I hang my head and rub between my brows as the last bits of my headache fade away. “Are _you_ alright?”

Despite my healing he still looks awful. “I’m dead on my feet, but other than that okay. Well, and I’m in a parallel universe where my baby sister does magic, but there’s nothing to be done about that for the time being.”

I let out a huff of a laugh. That’s when it hits me. The guards are Cullen’s responsibility. He is in charge of the soldiers. Our guards were beating an innocent man. Zevran is just diverting my aggression away from the other soldiers. “Zevran, please have my brother taken up to my rooms. I guess call Josie too. There will be some PR issues now.”

“You’re leaving me, Ellie?” Ed says calmly, but his eyes are the size of dishes.

“Despite whatever just happened, I trust Zevran with my life. He’ll take care of you. I’ll be there soon.” I give him a hug. “Please feel free to take a nap.”

“Where are you off to, Inquisitor?” Zev raises an eyebrow.

My fist clenches. “I’m off to see the man who is _actually_ responsible for the conduct of our guards.”

Before anyone can stop me, I’m storming off toward Cullen’s tower.

The headache is coming back. It’s worse now. As I pass the training grounds, it spikes and everything starts looking red again.

Then, I lose consciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Weekend!!!
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!!! I should have another out before Tuesday when I lose myself to the DLC. <3 SO EXCITED!!!


	8. Old and New Dreams

I can’t breathe.

There is a heavy weight settled on top of my body; it’s crushing me.

A small arch along my neck stings like the skin has almost been broken.

I try to scream, but my mouth is being covered by….another mouth?

What the hell is going on?!

My eyes shoot open to see Cullen _very_ up close. His eyes are closed and his brows furrowed with intensity as he kisses me. My hands are digging into his shoulders as he rubs his impressive hardness against my inner thigh.

How did I get here?!

I start to hyperventilate as panic sets in.

I drop my hands from his back and start to slap them against his chest as I struggle beneath him.  

My screams start to register to him.

His eyes open and he leans back, a combination of confused, aroused, and terrified. “Elaine? What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”

I shove away from him, sliding out from under his weight…and off of his desk?

The room looks a mess with papers and glass strewn everywhere.

I back myself into a corner and wrap my arms around myself, holding closed my shirt that has been ripped apart down the middle.

Cullen isn’t wearing armor, but instead is sporting a likewise torn top and mostly unlaced pants. He launches off of the desk and starts to slowly approach me with his hands in the air to show me he means no harm.

“How…..How did I get here?” I whimper. “What happened?”

He stops. “You….burst in during a meeting and demanded that all the soldiers leave. I was honestly a little upset, but then you demanded that I take you. I knew you were pent up, but well, one thing led to another. Then you started panicking.” He drops to his knees a few feet away from me. “I don’t understand.”

“I don’t remember.” I sob, clinging to myself.

His face warps with anguish. “Maker’s Breath, that means I…” His voice tapers off to barely a whisper “forgive me.”

I don’t understand what he is talking about. All I know is that something is seriously messed up.

“Cullen,” I take a few steps and start to feel woozy. “I think there’s something wrong with me.” I’m vaguely aware of my body plummeting to the floor and Cullen crawling over to take me into his arms. Then we are running? I guess we are outside.

The next thing I hear is him talking to Anders while I’m resting on something cold and hard.

“She hasn’t been sleeping….nightmares.” Cullen sounds distraught. “I thought it was just the stress. Then today she…”

A door opens, but I am unable to open my eyes or communicate. Doomed to only listen as my behavior is discussed. It’s one of my worst nightmares. It’s like I’m in a coma and can hear everything, but no one knows I’m alive.

“She attacked me.” Zevran interrupts Cullen. “Moments later she had no recollection of her actions.”

“She _attacked_ you?” Cullen doesn’t sound like he believes me.

“Yes, after we discovered her brother was in one of our cells. He did not look as though he had been treated well, friend.” I can hear the other two men make sounds of shock. “She left to go reprimand the Commander for his soldier’s behaviors.”

“Wait, why were you alone in the cells with her?” Cullen hisses.

The door opens again. “Anders, you’re lucky that we were already on our way back.” Solana, the Queen, announces.

“Nightmares, unexplained blackouts, and uncharacteristically brash behavior, Warden.” Anders explains.

“That can’t be.” Alistair adds. “She has only been here a few weeks. Poison perhaps?”

Footsteps. Soft female hands move my head around before stopping with my neck turned. “Shit.”

“She had been poisoned before.” Anders groans. “A day after she woke up was when Solas sent her away. It must have delayed the effects.”

“Can someone please explain this to me?” Cullen shouts.

Alistair’s voice is soft for my love. “She has been tainted by the Blight, Cullen.”

“No. He told the truth. He….” Cullen roars and topples something over.

“Explain.” Solana demands, unfazed by his display of anger.

I can hear his heavy breathing. “Solas, he warned me. He told me that she was Blighted after he sent her back. He claimed he was protecting her.”

“You had no reason to trust him.” Alistair comforts his fellow Ex-Templar.

Solana’s hand clamps down around my forearm; if I were able to move I would have winced in pain. “You people!” She growls. “You take these children and throw them into battle. You don’t care that you ruin their lives. That you could kill them! Look at her, Cullen!”

“Solana, enough!” Alistair snaps.

I’m sure she looks pissed. “Look. At. Her. Neck.” She hisses. Cullen gasps, so it must be bad. “Ali, we don’t have much time to waste. Cleanse her. She needs to be awake.”

A heat bursts through my core, a scream of agony rips through the tense silence…and I’m fully conscious again.

“I’m sorry, Elaine, but we needed to wake you.” Solana looks kindly at me. She’s kneeling beside a low table that I’m laid out on. We are in the undercroft?

“I could hear.” I cut her off. She nods as if she knew already. “So, what do we do? What’s going to happen to me?” She pats at my arm with care, allowing me to pull my panic back down. I take a deep breath. “I had been researching a cure before I went away. What happened to my research?”

 “Well, with your research and mine we were able to find a cure for the taint.” Solana winks. “Clever women always save the world.”

Anders comes over to my other side. “We were able to isolate the Blight in the Warden blood and remove it, love. All of us have been cured.” He doesn’t look quite as happy.

“ _Just_ in Warden blood?” Cullen asks Alistair, who nods.

“What does that mean, exactly?” Cullen’s frustration starts to rise. He is not usually the one left in the dark.

I hit the back of my head against the stone bench a few times as the realization sets in. Why me?

 Thedas has it out for me.

“How would you like to join a very exclusive club?” Anders smirks with worried eyes.

“What do I have to do?” I groan.

Solana stands. “Well, as the Senior Warden, I have some light preparation to do. Then, you’ll undergo the Joining.”

“If everything goes well, then we’ll administer the cure.” Anders adds.

“ _If_ everything goes well?!” Cullen repeats like an increasingly agitated parrot.

Solana glares over at him. “The Joining can be fatal.”

I start to laugh hysterically and everyone stares. “Of course it can.” I have the _worst luck_. I mean, join and maybe die, or let the Blight take me. Both awful choices. “Well, Your Highness Senior Warden, let’s get it on.”

She makes herself busy at a table in the corner and Anders helps me stand. I’m not quite steady on my feet.

Cullen hesitantly approaches me. “Elaine…I…”

I motion for Anders to let me go and weakly throw myself into Cullen’s chest, wrapping my arms around his waist. “Apologies can be for later. Just love me, please.”

“Nothing in the world could stop me.” He kisses the top of my head and cocoons me with his body.

His heart is pounding against the side of my face pressed against his chest.

We just stand there intertwined, soaking in the presence of one another...until…”Cullen, I have to ask you to leave now.” Alistair demands kindly. Like, he’s sorry that he has to say it, but it’s necessary.

I look over at Alistair, inches away from panicking. Cullen clings tighter to me.

“No. He can stay.” Solana’s voice rings out in the chamber. I let out a huge breath of relief, if I’m going down, I’d like Cullen to be there when it happens…I guess that’s pretty selfish. Alistair starts to make a noise of protest. “Ali, would you have wished for me to go through this without you? She’s been through enough already. Cullen is trustworthy; he can stay.”

“Elaine, love, come over here please.” He gestures to an open space in the middle of the room. “Commander, stand behind her; be prepared, even if this goes according to plan she’ll pass out.” Cullen grips onto my waist, which is probably unnecessary, but I appreciate the sentiment. “It’ll be okay, all three of us have been through this. We’ll take care of you.” Anders squeezes my hand then walks up to where Alistair and Solana are standing with a chalice.

I let myself go slack against Cullen’s strong frame. This is fine. I’ll be fine. You know that web comic with the dog drinking tea in the room that’s on fire? Yeah. I feel like that.

Solana steps forward from the two men. “Join us, brothers and sisters. Join us in the shadows where we stand vigilant. Join us as we carry the duty that cannot be forsworn. And should you perish, know that your sacrifice will not be forgotten. And that one day we shall join you.” She holds the chalice out to me. “Elaine, from this moment on you are a Grey Warden.”

Whatever is in the cup smells iron-y and looks disgustingly thick. “I drink this?” She nods, trying to hide an amused smile. I grimace as I bring the rim of the metal chalice to my lips and take back a swig. She speedily takes away the cup before I can drop it.

It feels like I’m choking and my blood is on fire.

My eyes roll back in my head and I’m blind.

Cullen’s arms around my waist is the last thing I remember before losing myself to the darkness.

* * *

The clearing in the Fade. I haven’t been here in…..years.

I giggle and spin around.

It feels so freeing and actually brings back really happy memories of exploration with my former elven lover.

See? I can be a mature adult about the guy who dumped my ass and forced me back without so much as a real explanation.

I’m not shouting!

Maybe I’m still bitter.

A fast rustling catches my ear in the trees surrounding me. I can’t help but smile as my large wolf spirit friend bounds into the clearing.

I drop to my knees and hold my arms open for him. “Hey there, handsome!”

He run/bounces over to me like an excited puppy, whimpering. He lowers himself and buries his head in my chest almost knocking me over. I sit back on my claves.

“I missed you too!” I giggle as he rubs his scent over me, making me familiar to him again.

You know, I keep talking about him like he’s a dog. Do spirits do stuff like that? I mean I guess they do…because he is….

His many eyes blink up at me, looking relieved. “I’m sorry I was gone for so long.” I smooth back the hair around his cheeks. “I don’t get the pleasure of being with glorious spirits, such as yourself when I’m away. I hope I’m still your favorite.” He huffs and it almost looks like he rolls his eyes before butting his forehead against mine.

The wolf moves to my side and makes a concerned sound as he nears the scar by my neck. He places a paw on my thigh to signal me to stay still as he bends his muzzle to the spot behind my ear, near my jaw. A soft wet tongue licks up my neck. “Ew!” I laugh. “I don’t know where that mouth has been.” He puts more weight on my thigh. “Fine.”

Where he licked I can feel the tingle of magic.

Is he healing me?

Another slow lick…and I know that the scar is gone. No idea what that’s going to mean when I wake up.

He rests the top of his head against the side of mine and sighs.

Okay. Here is where shit gets weird.

The form of the wolf starts to shift.

The paw becomes a hand on the top of my thigh. The fur recedes. I can feel a steady breath against the skin of my neck now as someone’s forehead presses just above my ear.

“You should not be here, _vhenan_.” Solas exhales sadly into the air near my skin.

Yeah. I guess I’m an idiot. The giant _wolf_ with a ton of eyes. Fen’Harel, who is depicted as a wolf. I really should have pieced that together earlier. Well, at least I should have _this_ time.

“It’s you.” I gasp, pulling my head away from his to catch his stormy eyes. “It’s been you this whole time?”

His eye are downcast as I start my freak out. I don’t pull away from him….I just stare, waiting for an explanation.

“Once we rescued you from Erimond, your mind started to draw more powerful spirits to you. After breaking you from their grasp more than once, I decided it would be best if I guarded the edges of your consciousness.” Solas looks up at me with a serene determination. “I wanted to protect you, even while you were unaware of the world.”

I stare at him while I let everything set in. What do you say to that? How do you react to someone who not only haunts your thoughts, but your dreams too?

Who you loved….  

“Since you’ve been back, the Blight has kept me from your dreams. I feared the worst.” He searches my face for any emotion. He knew. It was part of why he sent me back…well, that and to war against the rest of the world…“Say something.” He pleads, squeezing my thigh softly. “ _Ma’sa’lath_?”

“You let me play fetch with you.” I whisper, bewildered. “I rubbed your belly.”

 His chest raises in a single laugh, like he is beyond the point of shame and humiliation for the acts. “There is very little I would not do to make you smile.”

Who betrayed you…

“Like murder my brother?” I growl.

He takes a breath and closes his eyes, his shoulders somewhere between completely lowered and held high. “ _Vhenan_ , I…”

“Don’t you _dare_ call me that.” I warn, shoving him off of me with a strength I didn’t know I had. He falls back onto his hands and looks at me with surprise. “You don’t love me.”

He’s not having any part of my baiting. “Elaine, please, you needn’t be involved in this. Come to me. I’ll protect you.” He moves to stand, towering over my kneeling body.

“Um…how about no, you genocidal maniac!” I laugh bitterly.

His hands find each other and clasp behind his back, making him look even taller. “The seeds of change sometimes produce violent results.”

“You are killing innocent people!” I bolt to my feet, tired of him trying to intimidate me.

“I am fixing the mistakes of my past.” He says calmly, like he’s explaining to a child.

“Arlathan will not rise again, Fen’Harel.” I spit his name as I poke a finger into his prideful chest. “The Inquisition will stop you.”

“The power of the Anchor was lost with Elias. You have no hope, Inquisitor.” He takes my poking finger between his hands. He has not idea that I have the anchor…so, we can use that to our advantage. “The Inquisition will fall. You’re not qualified to lead them, Elaine. Please, heed my warning and come to my side. None will harm you.” I rip my hand from between his and start to storm off. “I’ll even make sure your lover is spared.” His voice is shaky with hidden emotion….I’m not sure if it is sadness or anger.

“Now you’re threatening me?!” I spin around and yell.

The man is infuriatingly calm. “I saw the two of you at the pyre for Elias.” The cloaked figure on the hill!

“What, come to gloat over your victory?” I scoff.

His brows come together. “No…I…I did not wish to remove him. I never wanted to hurt you.” His voice raises for the first time. “You were not supposed to be here!”

“We don’t always get what we want, do we?” I smirk at his anger raising my hand for him to see the ring still stick on my finger. “Your attack on Eli is what drove them to come find me. _Your_ actions caused this.”

“Yet another misstep for which I must atone.” He whispers to himself.

I mimic his scholar posture. “Fen’Harel, you will stop your attacks on the people of Thedas.”

He raises an eyebrow, almost amused. “No, Inquisitor. I _am_ already winning this battle.” Solas stalks toward me. “Elaine, you will come to me, willingly or not. I must see that you are safe.”

“Try me.” I step into his threat, our chests touching, well my chest touching lower on him. “Did you grow while I was gone?” I break character for a moment and assess the new height difference.

He truly grins now. “Side benefits of my regained divinity.”

I hold back a laugh, and return to glaring back up at him. “But seriously, leave my people alone. _I_ don’t want to have to hurt _you_.”

Solas chuckles. “You are such a gentle spirit, _ma vhenan_. I see no…”

I smack the smugness of his face. “I told you not to call me that.” Heartbreak flashes across his face as one of his hands comes up to the reddening spot on his cheek. “Do not presume to know me anymore,” I growl.

He quickly puts back on his stoic face. “I see that your choice has been made, Inquisitor. Either come to me or I will be obliged to take more forceful paths. You have been warned.”

“As have you.” I frown. I loved him with every fiber of my being once.

He looks around thoughtful, before his eyes settle on me again. “Cullen will be worried for you.” His God mantle drops for a moment as he lets his sadness show. “I know how relieved I was to see you freed from the Blight. I am sorry it has come to this, Elaine.” His hand starts to reach for me, but he clenches it into a fist and drops it to his side. “I’ll be seeing you.”  

The Fade starts to slide away from me.

What have I done?

It looks like I have my own personal war to fight now.

With an Ancient Elvhen God.

Who possibly still loves me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy DLC Week! I wanted to get Solas back in before we saw him again in a few days. 
> 
> I hope the wait for him in this section was worth it!


	9. A Cure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sweet Smut Below!

“Though all before me is shadow, Yet shall the Maker be my guide. I shall not be left to wander the drifting roads of the Beyond. For there is no darkness in the Maker’s Light. And nothing that He has wrought shall be lost…” Cullen’s muffled prayer welcomes me back to the waking world.

I’m still too tired to open my eyes, so I just lay there pretending to be asleep. One of my hands is held in what I assume is Cullen’s hand with the palm up, while his forehead is resting against said cupped hand.

“You can really stop your worrying.” Edward’s sympathetic voice calls from farther away in the room.

I can feel Cullen turn his head slightly, so that he isn’t talking into the bed, but rather at my brother. “I don’t understand why you are not more concerned.”

Ed sighs. “She’s still alive. The Wardens said that if the Joining would have failed she would have died immediately. As it stands, she _will_ wake up.” He’s right, really, there’s no use making yourself sick with worry when there’s nothing to be done….well and when the people who know what they’re talking about say it’s fine.

Cullen rolls his face back down. “I am not alone. Even As I stumble on the path with my eyes closed, yet I see The Light is here.”

I open my eyes slowly to see the Commander with his body bent over my bed. He’s sitting in a chair beside it, with his chest and arms resting on the mattress…and my hand. Ed is in an arm chair near my bookshelf, reading. A tray of food is sitting on my bedside table…probably for Cullen, but it’s untouched.

I gently caress my thumb over his brow.

His head jolts up to look at me…and his small, loving smile melts my heart.

“Are you going to eat that?” I smirk, sleepily.

Cullen lets out a rather loud single laugh before shifting to sit on the edge of the bed. He cradles my cheek with his hand and leans down, kissing me sweetly. “You’re awake.” He breathes against my lips like it’s a continuation of his prayer.

“I don’t know, being woken up by Prince Charming in a fantasy world _does_ sound like a dream I would have…” I tease, running a hand through his hair.

“Welcome back, little girl.” Ed smiles from the side of the bed where he has moved to stand. The man moves as quietly as Zevran. I never noticed before….

My stomach growls. “I’m serious about the food, Cullen.” He kisses my forehead and starts to fix some of the meal.

Anders walks through the door before I can take a bite. “Lane, you’d probably like to refrain from eating.” I tilt my head to the side, confused. He holds up a vial filled with green liquid. “The cure will pull the taint from your body. With how soon we are administering it to you, it should simply feel like a rather bad case of food poisoning.”

He takes the piece of bread out of my hand and replaces it with the cure.

I glare at it.

It probably tastes awful.

“The longer you wait the worse it will be, love.” Anders chuckles softly.

I uncork and take the potion like a shot.

It’s so bad that it makes me gag.

Anders turns his attention to Cullen and Ed as I flail around in the bed dramatically,  trying to make the awful tangy taste leave my mouth.

Everyone ignores me.

“She shouldn’t have any of the ill effects of the Joining.”

“What would those have been, exactly?” Cullen asks.

“Low fertility, horrendous nightmares, and about 30 years left to live. I’m not sure about the more positive parts; sensing darkspawn, increased appetite, and an amazing level of stamina. Perhaps you should start working out more, Commander.” Anders wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

Ed glowers at the mage. “Can we please not talk about her like that while I’m standing here?”

Cullen turns bright pink and pointedly starts to look at the floor.

My stomach starts to churn. “Guys….” Anders hands me a bucket as if he didn’t even have to think about it twice.

It’s not a moment too soon. I start vomiting extremely black red bile. The shock of it must register on my face.

“Don’t worry. It’s supposed to look like that.” The former Warden answers my silent question. “Well, have a nice night!” He jests with a little salute and walks out the door, leaving me in the capable hands of Cullen…and Ed?

* * *

After a few hours I’m basically done projectile vomiting. Seriously, it was like living The Exorcist.

Ed got called out by Zevran and Josie and never came back…I’d be more concerned about that if I felt like an actual person and not just a husk of human.

I would not recommend getting the Blight AND the cure.

Cullen is sitting on my bed with his back against the headboard. His chest is my pillow as I drape, exhausted, over him. He softly hums and stokes my hair, trying to comfort me in my sickness.

The interactions with Solas run through my mind in between my fevered periods of sickness.

God. I miss him so much.

I hadn’t realized it: his eyes, his smile, his lilting voice….

I need to focus.

He is the enemy.

“Solas came to me while I was unconscious.” I whisper…honestly, I hope Cullen doesn’t hear me and then I can just pretend I told him the truth and that it was fine.

Not the case.

Cullen stiffens beneath me. “Oh? You’re sick, my darling, perhaps you were just hallucinating.” He’s even doing a poor job of convincing himself. I look up at him and glare with as much energy as I have. He sighs. “Okay, what happened?”

So, I didn’t get this far in my head. There’s so much I don’t really want to tell him. As far as I’m concerned the relationship between Solas and me is private…Cullen doesn’t need to know that I decked Solas…or that he has protected my dreams….or that he is a wolf.

I decide only to tell information relevant to the mission.

“Elaine?”

I’d paused for too long. “Sorry, I was just rehashing the conversation in my head.” Lie….kind of. “He threatened me.”

“He did _what_?” Cullen’s chest rumbles with anger.

I place my palm against his heart. “It’s nothing so nefarious, Cullen. He doesn’t want me to be tangled up in this. He wants me to come to him; he’s convinced that’s the only way that I’ll be safe.” I pause. “He even said he’d spare you if I came willingly.”

Cullen holds me tighter to his body. “And?”

“Of course, I said no. He said that one way or another I’d end up in his protection.” I can almost feel the indignant rage pulsing through my Commander. “Oh! On the bright side, he has no idea that the anchor transferred to me. I assume it’s only a matter of time until he figures it out, but we can use it to our advantage for now.”

“Small blessings.” Cullen tilts my chin so that I’m looking into his troubled amber eyes. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Elaine…” He leans his forehead against mine. “I will protect you from anything this world throws at us, even if it means that my own life is forfeit.”

“It won’t come to that, besides, I can take care of myself.” Cullen starts to lean in for a kiss. “Oh my God, Cullen don’t. I’m amazingly gross right now.”

He smiles softly, his scar lifting part of his lips into his characteristic charming smirk. “You are the most beautiful creature that I have ever beheld.”

“Yeah, yeah, handsome man, let me _at least_ brush my teeth.” I giggle, wiggling out of bed and to my wash basin.

When I jump back into the bed, Cullen looks distant and troubled. “Penny for your thoughts?” I shock him from his mental prison. I try to curl up in his arms again, but he rejects my efforts, instead getting out of bed and starting to pace. “Cullen?”

“I took advantage of you.” He rubs the back of his neck, agitated. “The terror in your eyes while I….I abused you.”

“Cullen, there is no way that you would have known.” I attempt to comfort him from something that is probably amazingly hurtful for him.

“You weren’t even in your own head, Elaine! I should have known. You were so aggressive…I just thought…It doesn’t matter.” He kneels down by the side of the bed and gingerly takes my hand between his. “I have no right to ask, but please forgive me for my barbaric behavior.”

“Of course….”

“No! You should not! I am not worthy I should be punished. For years, Templars _abused_ mages…and…and now I’m one of them.”

It’s like one of his worst fears is coming true: that he is still the awful man that he thinks himself to be.

“Cullen Stanton Rutherford!” I shout. “You stop that _right now_.” Cullen’s self flagellating body tenses at my raised voice. “I trust you. Whether or not you trust yourself is a different matter. You would _never_ hurt me. You would not have hurt me. You could not have known anything was wrong.” I cup his cheek with my free hand and wink. “Besides, remember when I said I don’t bite? I lied.”

He rewards my little joke with a small smile. “What did I do to deserve you?”

“You’re a very unlucky man, Commander.” I pull his hand, guiding him back onto the bed with me. Once he is seated I crawl up and saddle his lap. “Hmmmm….perhaps you’d care to share a bath with me?” I purr, running hands down his chest.

“Elaine, are you certain?” Cullen stutters, still unsure of himself and our sexual relationship…or lack thereof.

I nod and walk to my rather sizable tub.

“I’ll call for some water.” Cullen starts to stand.

I flick a hand and lock the door. “Unnecessary.” I then proceed to fill the tub with melted ice, looking over my shoulder with a smirk, “Mage, remember? I have glorious side benefits.”

My heart shudders for a moment.

Why would I say that?!

I slide the sleep gown that someone changed me into after the joining off of my shoulders, letting it drop to the floor. I unhook my bra and, as sexily as I can manage, toss it to the side. My thumbs hook under the sides of my thong and I slowly slide it down my thighs.

Cullen shakily exhales a few steps behind me.

I step into the steaming tub and look coyly over my shoulder. “Aren’t you going to join me?” An almost involuntary moan escapes as my recovering body is covered by the hot water. I lean back facing the golden god of a man on the other side of the room, and dramatically kick my legs into the air to cross them under the water.

He raises a sultry eyebrow as if he just came up with a brilliant plan. His hand casually loosens the tie near his neck, allowing more of his sternum to show.

Apparently, I’m going to get a show. What a lucky girl am I?!

Cullen starts to gather his shirt up his body at a torturously slow pace, exposing all of his exquisitely sculpted body. I’m pretty sure he is periodically flexing just to tease me. He takes a few steps forward and drops the garment on top of the pile of my clothes.

He begins to untie his trousers as if he is opening a glorious present for me. As the fabric sags, the divots along his pelvis make my bite my lip with desire. “Enjoying yourself?” His smugness is actually amazingly attractive to me at this moment.

“I believe there will be much more to enjoy, Commander.” I rest my hands on the side of the tub, letting my breasts breach the waterline. “I’m trying to pace myself.”

Cullen chuckles and turns his back to me, slowly gliding his pants and underwear to the floor. I forget to breathe. The man’s body is perfect. I’m going to die right here.

He turns back to return to his strutting along to my side with his hardened cock out and proud.

I was right with my assessment of it while he was clothed.

The water raises when he steps in behind me, cradling my body between his legs. His hands run down my shoulders massaging as they go. I can feel his breath against my ear as he leans down to speak quietly for me. “Shall we wash you? It has been a trying few hours for you, my lady.”

I sigh softly at the amazing work his hands are doing on my muscles; it’s the most vocal affirmative I can give.

Cullen reaches for the soap and lathers my hair so that he can lovingly take care of me, the lust forgotten in favor of caring. He slides my down his body so that my hair is mostly submerged and runs his hands through my locks, making sure that all of the suds disappear.

I rest back on his bare, wet chest, and run my nails down his thighs. “Perhaps you should massage a little lower….” I laugh, but my teasing is cut off as Cullen’s hands slide down my slickened sides.

“I thought you’d never ask.” He rumbles behind me, eagerly caressing along my thighs. My head drops back against his shoulder and his lips eagerly taste my offered neck.

He keeps inching closer and closer to my throbbing folds, but continues to tease, instead enjoying my sounds of pleasure as he nibbles on the shell of my ear.

I’m not sure what comes over me, but I wind my hands in his hair and gasp “Maker, Cullen, please!”

His cock twitches against my back. “I cannot explain to you how much pride I take in making you cry to _my_ Maker.” One of his hands dips lower and slides along my folds as he caresses a breast with the other hand. Cullen makes a circle around my clit at the same time he pinches my hardened nipple. My cry of ecstasy echoes in the corners of the room. He slides a finger into my sopping wet heat, “I can feel how much you want me.”

“I want you inside of me.” I writhe against his hard body.

He adds a second finger to my waiting body. “Patience is a virtue, my love.” His palm rubs against my engorged pearl. “I want to enjoy you.” Cullen’s free hand caresses along my side, occasionally stopping to tease one of my pebbled nipples. His tongue and teeth fully trace the sides of my neck and my ears.

I’m whimpering at his touch. The trials of the day forgotten in favor of all-encompassing pleasure.

The pressure of his palm increases as he beckons within me. “Come for me.” He demands breathily against my skin.

A few seconds later, my body crashes against him as I cry his name to the rafters. My body feels like it’s floating against him, too full to be pulled down to Earth.

Cullen nuzzles sweetly on my shoulder. “Breathtaking.”  Despite the pleasantness of his words, I can feel his ignored hardness against my back.

I turn myself around so that my knees rest on the floor of the tub on each side of his hips, forcing his erection against my still twitching heat. His eyes are hungry as I whisper against his ear. “I’ll look much better when I’m riding you.”

His hands tighten on my waist as he seats himself inside of me with a single thrust; a roar of delight tears from his throat. His breath comes in short pants against my collar bone.  My head rests on his broad shoulder as I trace soft line with my fingertips along his neck and chest.

Cullen twists down to kiss me, so I sit up straighter to allow him to capture my lips. The intensity with which he kisses me steals away the breath I had just regained.

My hips tentatively roll against him and his hands grasp tighter on my hips. He echoes my movement, moaning against my mouth as he moves inside of me.

My arms hold tightly around his shoulders, my fingers wrapped in the hair at the nape of his neck.

We start to set a pattern of motion and he pulls me closer into an embrace as our lower bodies seek out completion.

He fills me completely.

We are a whole.

The only thing I sense is him: his scent, his taste, his skin, his heat.

I can feel my body starting to tremble again as he rubs perfectly inside of me. Cullen starts to push me down with more purpose against him. He’s moaning wantonly in our kiss.

My hand slides down between us helping me to my peak. “Cullen, don’t stop.” I moan. “I’m…”

“Yes!” He obscenely grunts after a particularly strong thrust. He fills me with his cum as his member spasms inside of me perfectly; my own quivering insides milk more pleasure from him.

My body melts against his as we breathe heavily together in the now lukewarm water. “I love you.” I weakly kiss his chest.

“And I you.” His lips brush the top of my head.

Cullen grabs a towel and somehow manages to lift me into his arms like a bride and wrap me in the plush fabric at the same time.

For being such a big guy, he is really rather graceful.

He lays me in the sheets of my bed before going to dry himself off and join me. “It’s late now, darling. I’d love nothing more than to rest with you in my arms.” How can I say no to that?!

“You are a pretty man who says such pretty things.” I mumble, curling up against his chest.

Cullen sleepily chuckles and encases me in his strong arms. “Good night, my love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm totally still hungover from the DLC. To be honest, it makes writing Elaine with Cullen really difficult when I'm having so many Solas feels!!! 
> 
> Is anyone else in this sweet hell with me? We should have a wine and cupcakes party and daydream about our sad sad elf love. 
> 
> I hope you had a great weekend!!! <3


	10. Less Peace

I’m right back to work. You know, despite the awfulness of the Blight-ing and the cure fiasco, recovery was a party.

Considering how _bad_ it could have ended up?

24 hour flu was a pretty good ending.

Anyway, so when Cullen and I walk into the War Room, Edward is standing there with Josie and Zevran AND the King and Queen.

“Ed…are you lost? You shouldn’t be here.” I say hesitantly. Deep down, I know something is up.

He shrugs. “No, I thought it would be best if you had a guardian with you. You’re far too young to make these choices on your own.”

“I don’t make them _on my own_. I have advisors.” Then, I pause and look at his stoic expression. “I do not need a guardian. I’m twenty….two….I’m of age.”

Ed smiles softly, “Oh little girl, you should stop trying to lie about your age. No one will think less of you.”

“What?” I say flatly, then it hits me. “Ed, don’t you dare!”

He looks over at the royalty. “Ellie is not a day over twenty. You heard her pause as she named her years. I fear that she thought, if Elias had known she was only 18, that he would not have allowed her to join the Inquisition.” His voice is ripe with an amused pity for me.

“And how would you know this?” Alistair raises an eyebrow, unconvinced.

Ed gives the Queen a small bow. “I am but the man who raised her. My wife and I took in a scared, skinny, mageling and did our best to grow her into the remarkable woman she is today.”

How can he say this with a straight face?!

I stomp my foot, childishly. “You stop this. Right now!”

“Ellie, my little girl, I don’t mean to belittle your successes, I swear to stay out of the way. This is just a way for me to better understand the trouble you must wade through.” Ed bends down a little so he is at my height and takes my hands in his, giving me a warning look.

I pull my hands away and cross my arms, jutting out my lower lip in a pout. “Fine.” Ed kisses my forehead.

Solana mockingly pokes her husband and speaks softly to him.

Cullen is notably paler standing beside me.

“No, my love. We still cannot take her home with us.” Alistair laughs kindly and winks at Zevran. “Besides we didn’t even know one another at an age where she would have been conceived.”

“Wow. Can we please be done with this topic? Please?!” I growl, still pouting….probably not helping the whole my being a child thing.

Solana’s eyes are bright with amusement, “We had just wanted to make sure you were feeling well.”

Alistair continues for them, “We also wanted to reiterate our offer for aid to the Inquisition. Ferelden stands with you, Inquisitor.”

“Thank you, Your Majesties.” I bow, and my advisors….and Ed…follow suit.

“We’ll live you for now.” Solana and Alistair walk out hand in hand.

As soon as the door closes, I explode. “What the _hell_ was that?! How dare you just drop in here and decide you get to control me!!!!”

Cullen puts a hand on my shoulder. “Lane, please….”

“No!” I shout, shirking his touch. “Someone better have a good answer for this.” I spin around in a circle. “I swear to God I’m going to burn down this room.”

“Ellie, I am your family. We need you to come home safe.” Ed finally looks apologetic and steps closer to me. “The three of us came up with my cover. This way I can be with you, unquestioned. I couldn’t be your brother here; it would cause too many _more_ questions for the Trevelyan family.” He locks eyes with Cullen. “I realize that the Commander and I being the same age, puts the two of you into a somewhat awkward position.” Cullen groans. “That being said, I am fully supportive of the relationship, should anyone ask. _I_ am well aware that my sister is an adult, Cullen.”

I deflate. “Fine.” I give him a quick angry kiss on the cheek. “I hate you.”

“I know.” Ed smiles. “I wish there were some other way, Ellie, I really do.”

“Somewhere Martin is laughing and he has no idea why.” I rub my temples with my fingertips. “You’re lucky I have some amount of self-control, otherwise it’d be zap! Frog time.” I take my place at the War Table.

“She can’t actually turn me into a frog….can she?” Ed mumbles to Cullen who winks with a shrug.

Apparently, Solas’s people are focusing their attacks on Inquisition strong holds.

Zevran idly tosses around one of his daggers like it’s a toy. “A friend of Varric’s has been within the ranks of Fen’Harel as a sort of double agent. His cover was nearly compromised and we have extracted him. Said individual should be arriving at Skyhold very soon.”

“Josie, how are peace talks?” I lean against the table. Why are there no chairs?!

I need to fix that.

“King Alistair would give you whatever you wished, Inquisitor. The Empress is harder to convince, but Briala has left the company of Fen’Harel to return to her…Lady…It is a good sign for the accords.” Josephine sounds uncharacteristically happy, so I guess we are actually doing alright!

After the meeting, Ed and I take some time to be alone. We take a mostly silent stroll along the battlements.

This shit is weird.

I mean….he _really_ shouldn’t be here. He works for the Peace Corps for God’s sake! He’s going to get himself killed.

Maybe Dennet needs a stable hand….

….on second thought….dracolisks….

Never mind.

“Ed, aside from being at the War Room meetings and random other stuff Josie lets you do, you’ll really need to stay here. Sometimes, I have to go off on missions for a few weeks at a time…You…you can’t stop me.” I am the epitome of empowered…. Only not.

We stop to look at the burning landscape. “I know, little girl. I’m not here to try to stop you, just to help guide you in any way that I can.” He bumps his thigh against my hip. “They don’t know you like we do. They never saw you in pigtails or shoveling down heaps of ice cream when you’re upset.” I can’t help but laugh at little. “You don’t need to loose who you are to be here.”

I start to walk again. “You’re right…It’s just that….”

A dagger flies past my face from an alcove to the side of us. It plinks against the stone of the battlements and falls to the ground.

“Shit!” I hiss, starting to throw a barrier up around the two of us. A second dagger barely breaks the skin of my side, slicing through my cotton tunic. My magic is ripped away. “Fucking magebane!” I’m full on yelling now. “Ed you need to run! Now!”

Draped in black is an assassin of some sort, brandishing more daggers.

This is how I die.

You know, with _all_ the guards who spy on Cullen and me around here, you would think _one_ would hear what is going on.

The attacker moves, but somehow Edward is faster…..?

Like a cat, he jumps behind the person, grabs their neck, and slams their head into the wall. Ed chops one of their arms, provoking a sickening crunching sound as the limb snaps in half. The assassin shrieks in pain. “Who sent you?” Ed calmly asks.

The man takes a deep breath. “The Crows send their regards.”

“Idiot.” Ed rolls his eyes and slams the palm of his hand into the base of the man’s skull.

He drops to the ground.

My hands are shaking looking at my brother.

The _normal_ brother.

The _stable_ brother.

I can feel that my eyes are twice their normal size.

Ed clears his throat and deadpans. “I don’t work for the Peace Corps.”

* * *

When Cullen comes into my room that evening, I’m sitting on my bed wrapped in a large fluffy blanket with a big basket of bread and butter in my lap. Ed’s sitting beside me with his legs crossed, reading.

“Are you just sitting there eating bread?” Cullen questions. He has no idea what went down on the battlements. We handed the Crow over to Zevran.

“Is that a question?” Ed raises an eyebrow at my love. “How long _have_ you been sleeping with my sister?”

Cullen turns a beautiful shade of pink. “I…well….we…”

“Ed leave him alone. I have other ways to cope here. Usually I just freeze stuff. This required bread.” I don’t look at either of them, but instead make loving eyes at my carbs, moaning as I chew.

I love carbs.

“She eats her feelings…” Ed explains to Cullen

I roll my eyes and laugh quietly. “Yep! Happy? Eat some bread. Sad? Eat some bread. It’s raining? Eat some bread.”

Cullen sits on the edge of the bed. “So, I should assume that something problematic occurred?”

“He’s Trevelyan, Edward Trevelyan.” I say in a low faux male voice.

Ed tries to look serious. “MI 6 really wouldn’t appreciate you saying that.”

I smack his shoulder. “Don’t say things like that to me!!! You seem so normal too.” I flop back on the bed, without missing a beat Ed grabs the basket off of me before it can empty on my comforter.

“I work for undercover operations back home.” Edward finally lets Cullen in on what’s going on. “Elaine was attacked while we were on a walk. I had no choice, but to defend her and thus, reveal myself.”

“How can you say that so calmly?!” I groan, rolling slightly from side to side. “You’re a _spy_.”

My brother calmly pats my leg and sighs. “Yes, Ellie, I’m a spy.” He looks to the Commander. “Don’t worry Zevran knows everything; honestly he probably knew the first time we met. He’s very good.”

“Um…Elaine…you were _attacked_ on a _walk_?!” Cullen is doing this best to not yell.

I squirm over so that my back is wedged against Cullen’s thigh. “Honey, it’s fine. I have my own personal spy master.”

Cullen affectionately runs his hand up and down my side. It’s not a fleeting caress, but has some weight to it; he’s letting me know he’s there for me. “Was it Fen’Harel’s people?” The guy claimed to be a Crow…so no.

Ed lets out a long breath. “No. That’s not his style. He wouldn’t send an assassin. The man is obsessed with her; he wants to possess her, not kill her. Well, and if that changed I’m sure he’d want to be the one to take her life.”

I can’t believe the words coming out of this mouth. My jaw drops a bit in shock.

He shrugs again, like this is totally normal. “I’m a _very good_ spy, little girl.”

“I see.” Cullen worries his lower lip with his teeth.

“If my instincts are correct, and they usually are, as long as she remains here she’s safe. I mean, he’d need a full-fledged attack to get her away from Skyhold. Such an attack would be lunacy.” Ed’s trying to calm down a very clearly anxious Commander.

I turn my head to look into his handsome eyes. “And you can’t logic out a crazy person. Worrying will only do so much, Cullen.”

“I know. I know! I _know_.” He wraps an arm around my waist and easily hauls me into his lap, encasing me in a hug with his chest against my back. “I swear, between the two of you….” He sweetly kisses the top of my head. “You’ll turn me grey before my time.”

“You’ll look dignified.” I smile and pat his hands on my stomach.

Ed groans and gets off my bed. “Well, this is too adorable for me. I’m going to go find some entertainment elsewhere.”

“If you _really_ want to be entertained go tell that to Bull.” I snort.

Cullen huffs out an exasperated laugh behind me. “Don’t tell him things like that. You’ll get him into trouble.”

“Be good to her.” Ed winks and leaves the room….somehow he locks it from the outside.

“Well that was the biggest turn off ever.” I make a vomiting noise and flop against one of Cullen’s arms like a ragdoll. “Bastard **.”**

“What do you mean?”

I blush a little. “This orgasm was approved by Edward Trevelyan.”

“Oh! I see…” Cullen shifts uncomfortably beneath me.

* * *

I’m in the fucking Fade clearing again.

Can I just have one night of _normal_ sleep here?! Is that too much to ask?!

The wolf spirit stalks out of the tree line before smoothly shifting into Solas’s form.

“Leave me alone.” I brush a dismissing hand at him.

Somehow he is lightning fast, grabbing my wrist so hard it grinds my wrist bones together. “No, _da’len_ , you will listen to what your betters have to say.”

“What’s wrong with you?” My brows are furrowed with pain and concern. He’s never been violent before. I try to tug myself away, but he holds me in place.

“I am so tired of playing your little games. You seem to have this illusion that I still love you, or rather that I _ever_ loved you.” His face is impassive, apathetic, like I mean less than nothing to him.

It’s like a dagger to my heart. “You’re lying.” I hiss.

“No, _vhenan_.” He mocks. “You were pleasant game, but little more. Why would I give myself to a mortal? You’re no better than insects. And a human?” He scoffs. “It was delightfully depraved of me.”

I am shocked into a pained silence.

His hands comes up to caress my cheek. I attempt to bite him, which results in him taking my chin in his other hand with no small amount of force. “I will kill you, _shem’len_. Just like I killed your brother. You mean nothing to me. You were a tool through which I gained the trust of the Inquisition. Of course, there were side benefits.”

Tears roll down my cheeks. “Stop.” It’s like a brick is settling in my stomach. I can’t breathe.

Solas breathes deeply, “Yes, little one, let the sorrow take you.” He smiles soflly. “I’ll kill Edward and Cullen too, just to show you my power. Perhaps, I’ll make you watch as your brother slowly dies. I’m sure it will bring back such lovely memories. Of course, the Commander will have to observe your demise. He loves you so dearly, and I cannot allow for that to continue.” 

I’m gasping for air through my crying. It’s like all my worst fears coming true. He lied.

It wasn’t real.

He doesn’t care.

He will destroy me.

Growling starts to happen in the trees and…another spirit wolf comes out?

That’s not right.

The wolf...Solas?...stalks toward himself. His voice echoes through the Fade despite not having a mouth with which to speak. “Leave the girl.”

The elf Solas chuckles darkly. “She is a fount of despair and hidden fears. Thanks to you, I could feed off of her for decades to come.”

“I don’t understand.” The broken voice doesn’t even sound like me.

Wolf Solas growls again and charges elf Solas. The elf lets me go and starts to run…which is stupid. There’s a scuffle behind the tree line, then silence.

I drop to my knees and cradle my aching head in my hands.

What the hell is going on?!

The wolf is there. He nuzzles against my hand, whimpering sadly.

I ignore him.

He starts to ram himself playfully into myside.

Then, I hear an unfamiliar sound and spread my fingers a bit so I can see. He is rolling around on his back like dogs do when they find a peculiar scent they want to roll in.

He looks ridiculous.  

“What _are_ you doing?” I laugh with my roughened voice. How could I possibly ignore that?

He rolls to his stomach, tongue lolling out of his mouth as he pants joyfully. “I wanted to make you smile.”

“That is not your place anymore.” I sound way sadder than I want to.

He tilts his head to the side, “And what would you tell your lover when you wake in distress? That you were attacked by a lying spirit in my form?”

He’s right…”No, just that I had a bad dream.” Technically true.

“Oh, _ma da’harellan_ , would he not feel that a lie of omission is still a lie?” He flops back onto his back and rolls around, provoking a laugh from me.

This is ridiculous.

“You look like a crazy person.” I try to sound angry.

“Yes, well….”

“What are you doing here?” I ask, starting to regain myself.

He sighs, sitting up and shifting into his humanoid form. “I tried to respect you and remain clear of your dreams, but…your spirit is so bright to me in the Fade…I can always see it. You were in distress and I could not simply let you be harmed. Little did I realize that your despair would take my form.” He closes his eyes and sighs. “Though, perhaps it is not such a revelation.”

“A despair spirit?”

“Yes, they feed off of your sorrow. In this case, it showed you a world that you were scared existed…where I….where these things that cause you pain occur.” He looks so sad, so tired.

“Where you don’t love me and are a warlording manic?” I raise an eyebrow.

Solas doesn’t answer.

“So that is _not_ this world? Because it looks a whole lot like it to me.” My nervous laughing isn’t awesome.

His eyes open quickly, full of anger. “Do not mock me with things you know to be untrue. I love you more than is reasonable. It tears my heart apart that you have positioned yourself as my enemy. I do not fight for myself, Elaine. I _will_ right the wrongs of the people. I will fix my mistakes.”

“What does that mean? Your mistakes?”

“I have already said too much.” He shakes his head and stands, straightening himself. “My goals remain unchanged. You will soon be safe at my side.”

“We might have different definitions of ‘soon’ Solas.” He is an immortal being. I doubt time means the same thing to him.

“Good morning, my love.” He whispers as the Fade trickles away from me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Weekend!!!
> 
> I <3 Ed, secret sassy rogue, Trevelyan! 
> 
> I also like that Solas feels so awful about all the crap he is putting Elaine through that he is willing to be an absolute fool...well...a fool who is still going to destroy everything...it's a thing. haha


	11. Double Agents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First half is smut!!! Be warned! Cullen morning smut time!

Cullen is a fantastic pillow.

He has moved some of his clothes into my room…. well and I put some of mine in his loft, so that we can comfortably stay in whosever room we end up in.

Despite that, he always just sleeps in some light linen sleep pants that fall deliciously low on his hips. I’m usually in some pretty silken night dress that Josie ordered for me for _some_ reason, but other nights I end up in his shirt. Those are my favorite.

Well except when we sleep naked….like last night.

Ed could only cock block me so much.

I love waking up with the scent of him all round me.

One of his arms pillows my head and the other holds me tightly around my waist, keeping my flush against his front. His head is resting on top of mine, fully surrounding me with his body….well as much as possible.

I start to shift myself to get up. The sun is just barely starting to crest over the mountains.

“Nope. Mine.” Cullen grumbles with a sleepy smile as he drags me back against him and buries his head into the crook of my neck.

Then, he promptly falls asleep again.

So, I’m suck until he wakes up. The man is huge!

I allow myself to fall back asleep.

His handsome voice wakes me."You are...I have never felt anything like this." He brushes his lips against my neck. "I love you.  You know that, right?"  

"I love you, too.” I run my fingers through his mane, my darling lion.

He starts more purposefully kissing my neck. I moan, delighted at being desired again. His lips and tongue start to carve out a path down my chest. Slowly, deliberately, as if he was searching for any change in my body since the last time we were together.

His tongue circles my hardened nipples, inciting a cry of pleasure from my lips.

This provokes him. He continues down to my navel stopping to sensuously nip at its edge with his teeth.

Suddenly, someone tries to open my well locked door. “Maybe if we are very quiet they will go away?” I breathe to Cullen. He buckles onto my stomach, vexed. 

The intruder begins to knock. “Inquisitor?” It’s Josephine’s voice. “I’ve come to wake you. We should go through your itinerary for the next few days. You are going to be meeting with our double agent this afternoon.”

“Later, Josie” I yell out in response. “I’m not getting out of bed yet. I’ll come find you once I decided to get up.” Cullen has a roguish look on his face that makes me kind of concerned.

“Honestly, my lady. You have a duty-“

Her exasperated voice is suddenly interrupted by the man at my waist. “She’s busy!”

“Commander?!” Josie gasps. “Oh, oh dear. I’ll just leave you two to…Inquisitor just come find me when you are ready. I’ll tell anyone who asks that you are taking some extra time to rest this morning.” The ambassador is a professional. She can handle any situation with grace, eventually.

“Cullen!” I laugh “That was awful!”

“What? Did you want me to have to stop?” He starts to lick up my hipbone.

“Oh, God no.” I gasp, clasping the sheets in my fists.

“I’d hoped not.”

He sits back on his legs and gently caresses my thighs with the tips of his fingers. I watch as his eyes trace my naked body. His hands slowly inch closer to my wetness. I would happily let him caress me all day. Can we make that part of his job description?

With less subtlety, he starts to explore my folds. My back arches and I moan wantonly as his thumb starts to trace circles around my clit and he easily slips two fingers inside me, sending shockwaves of pleasure through my body. He continues to beckon inside of me as he kisses down my torso, ending with a slow lick up my slit.

His name falls off my lips like a whispered prayer.

My senses are being overpowered by the pleasure; he eagerly licks and massages me until I feel all of the muscles in my pelvis start to tighten. “Cullen, I-“ I try to manage between my quickening  breaths, but before I can tell him how close he has brought me, he smirks and skillfully sucks my clit while he moans happily against me, making my body come crashing down around him.

My cries of pleasure echo around my bedchamber.

The Commander rises from between my legs looking quite pleased with himself. He wipes his face on my hip before returning to my lips. “I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did,” he snickers.

“Think you experienced, first hand, how much I enjoyed it.” I purr sliding my hand down to the hardness pressed against me.

Cullen’s breath catches in his throat. I press him onto his back with my chest as I rise over him.

I’m awful, so I strategically center my lips on the pulse point on his neck before I zealously kiss him.  His nails rake down my back while he tilts his chin up giving me better access. I plan on leaving my darling lover a prize for later in the day, I snicker and caress my hands down his masterfully built chest as I bite him, sucking harder.

“Ouch!” Cullen exclaims with amusement, “You little harlot.” My face is full of mischief when he looks down at me, realizing what I’ve been up to.

“I’ll make up for it, I promise.” I shift down his body with my eyes locked on his.

I want to soak up every reaction of my handsome lion.

I take his hardness in my hand and proceeded to leisurely lick up the shaft before wrapping my lips around the head and guide my mouth over his immense member. His breath quickens before his eyes close. The moans that come from deep in his chest make me want to please him even more.

His fingers wrap in my hair guiding my pace. I unhurriedly raise my head up and down him, occasionally swirling my tongue. He is almost growling, lost in his pleasure. I revel in his responses to me. “Elaine” he gasps gently, lifting my head off of him. I comply with his desire, but lick him once more before releasing him from my lips.

I slowly crawl back up him, positioning my still dripping body above his throbbing member. “I want you.” I breathily request as I guide him into my waiting body.

His hands grip my hips desperately as I grind myself into him.

“I will give you everything you desire.” He promises with his lust deepened voice. Cullen is not a passive lover; he pulls himself up from his back, guiding me to wrap my legs around his waist.

Cullen palms my bottom and presses himself even deeper into me, charming a cry of pleasure from me.

While I’m still held close, he rolls so that I’m beneath him without pulling from me any mount.

The pressure of him on top of me is perfect.

I have hand braced against his shoulder and the other is wrapped in the hair at the nape of his neck. He strongly holds my thighs as he starts to steadily thrust himself deep into me.

Our tongues meet with renewed fire, desperately tasting each other, bodies as close as humanly possible.

He moans into my mouth as his rhythm quickens, hitting the perfect spot inside of me. I felt herself starting to near climax again, for claiming to have not been with anyone in quite some time, the man is an extremely skilled lover. “Come for me.” He roars. The command is enough to set me over the edge. My body trembles around him, soon I feel him pulsing inside of me.

His breathes heavily as he slowly slides to the side of me, rewrapping me in his loving embrace.

“Can we just stay in bed all day?” I mumble into his chest.

Cullen starts to laugh so hard that he curls in on himself.

“….my love?” I think I broke him…with a completely normal question!

“I just pictured your brother jumping through the window to angrily rouse you.” He takes a few deep breaths. “It’s like Zevran…only worse.”

I toss a pillow at him, which only breaks him back into laughter. “Okay, you have fun. I’m going to bathe and get ready before Josie has a heart attack.”

His hysteria pauses and he suddenly looks very sultry. “A bath, you say?”

My already very pleased body warms at the thought of our first night of love making. “There’s always room for another…” I wink and walk toward my bathroom.

 I can hear Cullen scampering out of bed to follow.

* * *

“What is this? And why is it on me?” The handsome elf holds his hands out to the side and looks like he’s going to _kill_ Varric.

“Broody, this is Moxie, aka Lady Elaine Trevelyan, aka the Inquisitor, aka your boss. Well, and you know Curly.” Varric explains.

As soon as I saw the elf I know he was Fenris, the one from Varric’s book!

I let go of Cullen’s hand and ran to give him a hug.

After reading about him, I really _really_ just wanted to hug him.

“I’m so happy to finally meet you, Fenirs!” I step back and beam at the elf.

He looks at me with suspicion. “How does it know my name?”

“I’ve read his books.” I wink at Varric who gives me a sarcastic bow.

Cullen gently rests a hand on my shoulder, “Inquisitor, this is our recently extracted agent.”

My eyes get wide. “We sent Fenris in as the double agent?!”

“Do you have a problem with me?” Fenris growls.

“No! I just…haven’t you been through enough?” I shrug and try not to look too sad.

Fenris looks like he’s about to say something, but Varric interrupts. “How’s Daisy?”

“Obviously not with me.” He runs a hand through his hair, flustered. “She believes in his mission; she’s one of his scholars.”

I look up at Cullen….I have no clue what’s going on. He just shakes his head.

The angry elf turns on me, pointing accusingly at me. “If any harm comes to her…”

I put my hands up in annoyed surrender. “Woah, buddy. I’m not sure how any of this is _my_ fault.”

“Broody, please.” Varric sooths him quickly. “Let’s go get a drink.”

“Is he always so charming?” I am incredibly puzzled. That guy used to hang out with Anders…and Varric.

Cullen chuckles and rests his hand on the small of my back. “This was a _good_ mood day for him, believe it or not.”

I lean up to kiss him, but yelling stops us. “Shit.” Cullen mumbles and starts to walk toward the commotion.

Fenris is screaming at Anders.

“She’s dead because of _you_ abomination!” Fenris is wildly angry, swinging for Anders.

I’m not really sure why he hasn’t pulled out his huge ass sword, but I guess that means he’s just letting off steam.

For what it’s worth, Anders is taking the anger very maturely. “Fenris, no one was more heartbroken than I. I lost _my wife_.”

Oh. Hawk.

I frown and start to move closer.

Cullen grabs my arm, keeping me back with him.

“If you didn’t think it was a good idea to host a demon within you, then _none_ of this would have happened!”

Dorian has finally had enough and steps up next to Anders. “He is no longer what you call an abomination. The Inquisitor and Solas relieved him of the spirit three years ago.”

“Please, love.” Anders tries to push Dorian back.

“No, _Amatus_ , this is ridiculous.” Dorian brushes free from Anders’s hands.

Fenris flashes blue…so that’s peculiar….I guess Varric wasn’t lying….

He sounds scarily calm despite the whole glowing thing….”You would replace her with a Tevinter?”

Ander’s looks stricken. “Never. Nothing could replace her. But, Fenris…Dorian isn’t….”

“You let Magister’s in your ranks!?”   

Dorian isn’t helping. “Altus. I am not a member of the Magisterium. Honestly, is that so difficult to understand?”

Fenris is getting increasingly agitated. I can’t have them all out fighting in the middle of the yards.

I start to run up to stop the budding scuffle.

“Stop!” Cullen chokes, trying to not run after me…because the Commander of the Inquisition has more propriety than to simply break into a sprint in front of everyone.

I don’t.

I throw a barrier between Fenris and the two men. “Guys, this is getting….”

Fenris looks wild and spins around to see who is attacking him….

Then, there’s a hand in my chest.

“Oh.” I say simply. “That…shouldn’t be there.”

“Elaine!” I can hear Cullen breaking into a run.

The elf looks confused, as if he doesn’t understand how his fucking hand phased through my chest!!!

I start trying to not laugh. “I really don’t know you well enough for this, Fenris.” A shot of excruciating pain radiates through my chest and I stifle a cry. If I had control of my own body, I would have doubled over.

His eye widen as he registers what is really going on.

“Broody, take a second. You need to let the lady go.” Varric says with surprising ease. Has this happened before?

Cullen is behind me, his hands just sort of hovering at my sides. He’s afraid to touch me. “Please.” He whispers desperately.

Varric, always the charmer, “You wouldn’t want to make Curly cry, would you?” Despite his jokes I can tell that there is a real fear in his voice.

Fenris slowly removes his hand from me…his forearm is red…with my blood?!

“Nope. Not okay.” I groan, collapsing back onto Cullen.

Anders and Dorian come running, my barrier must have finally fallen. The spirit healer has his hands laid on me almost immediately. Thankfully, I forced Eli to keep the best healer in Thedas with the Inquisition.

Yeah, yeah, he jailed me and could have killed both of us. Who even remembers?! 

“She’s going to be fine. No major damage.” Anders tells Cullen.

After the blue glow of Anders’s magic dies down, my Commander pulls me up into his lap, holding me close cradling my head against his chest. “I swear to the Maker, woman.”

Fenris looks like someone kicked a puppy….and that the puppy might have been him. He’s just letting some of the guards hold onto his arms. “I….am sorry, Inquisitor.” He mumbles, hair covering his face.

“Release him.” I demand of the guards.

Everyone looks at me like I have a second head…well except Cullen. He just heaves a sigh and kisses the top of my head. Apparently, his sense of decorum is forgotten.

I’m not complaining.

Fenris freezes where he stands even though the guards let him go as soon as I told them to.

“I know. No, I’m not crazy.” I try to stand up, but Cullen keeps me held in his lap. I don’t fight too much, throwing him a mildly annoyed look, which earns me a stern frown. “Fenris, hey, look at me.” Begrudgingly, he meets my eyes. “Thank you. I sort of snuck up on you and the guys. I’m really to blame for spooking you, the fault is not yours. You will not be punished for defending yourself.”

Dorian still hasn’t let his eyes off of Fenris. “Elaine, he assaulted both Anders and I, then proceeded to threaten your life.”

“Details.” I wave my hand in dismissal. “Just play nice, gentlemen. I have enough to manage with Solas being a crazy person. Can we all just chill?”

Anders laughs, “Yes. We can chill.”

Fenris frowns. “Chill?”

“She means to be calm, Broody.” Varric laughs. “She’s an interesting one, our Moxie.”

That’s one way to say it….

“Agent Fenris, please get comfy. Maybe we’ll see you in the tavern later?” I smile and snuggle closer to Cullen. I’m _so_ done with this shit.

Fenris looks at me like I’m the strangest thing on the entire planet. He bows slightly. “Yes…Thank you Inquisitor.”

Cullen shifts my weight so that I’m cradled in the crook of his arm, I’m sort of dipped back and forced to look at him. He brushes a stray piece of hair behind my ear and looks at me lovingly. “Oh, my sweet love, one of these days you may actually have to punish _someone_.” His face shifts to being troubled. “What will become of you then?”

I honestly don’t know.

“I’ll be hoping that there is some way of redemption.” I avert my eyes, because I’m pretty sure that’s not what my Commander wants to hear.

I’m surprised by a chaste kiss. “I love you.” He hauls me back up out of my sitting dip. “Sometimes, there is no other way.”

“I know.” I feel so small…and sad… We’re both talking around it….

Until we’re not. “You’ll be the one to judge him.” Cullen mumbles into my hair. “I’m sorry that the burden falls to you.” He squeezes me a little tighter. “You can’t simply let him go. He can’t rejoin the Inquisition. He is responsible for the death of so many, for the death of the Inquisitor.”

“We have to catch him first.” I barely say the words. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, this is a smut heavy weekend! hahaha
> 
> I hope you guys liked Fenris, I had a terrible time trying to write him. 
> 
> Happy Saturday! (It was Solas Smut Saturday, if you didn't know. Hence my additional smut)
> 
> <3's to all of you!!!! You're my favorite!!!! <3


	12. Messing Up

I wake up to an empty bed….his side isn’t even warm.

Did I really sleep in so late?

I hope he didn’t have nightmares and couldn’t sleep…..he could have woken me up. I would have cuddled him till he felt better!

While I’m getting ready, I take the first opportunity I’ve had to see if my phone aka my music player works.

It does!

_She’s nothing like a girl you’ve ever seen before/ Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood hoe/ I’m tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful._

I bounce around my room, belting with the music as I throw on my Theads clothes.

It’s a rather odd combination.

_Damn girl/ Damn who’s a sexy bitch/ A sexy bitch/ Damn who’s a sexy bitch/ Damn girl_

“If that gentleman is trying to be respectful, I believe he is horribly failing.” Zevran pulls my attention to the door. “Though, had he other motivations, perhaps said method would be successful.”

“I’m sorry, I really wasn’t paying attention.” Then a serious concern hits me. “Wait….did you just watch me dress?”

His eyes sparkle with trouble. “I made myself known, but you ignored me. I thought, perhaps you were meaning to put on a show.” He’s teasing me.

I throw a pillow at him while I laugh full of both embarrassment and to be honest, the whole thing is hilarious. “You are an awful man!”

“Lady, that was never in question.” He raises his eyebrows suggestively.

I throw another pillow at him, which he catches easily.

His laugher is breathtaking.

I thought I’d gotten over my Zevran sexual issues.

Oh my God and he saw me half naked.

I’m pretty sure that my whole body is blushed bright pink.

“Are you feeling well, _bella donna_?” I keep my lips tightly closed and nod, giving him a thumbs up. Nothing good could come out of my mouth at this point. “Then, perhaps we should adjourn to the War Room. It would not be ideal for you to be late….again.”

He holds out his arm to sexscort….escort!....me.

I hate myself.

I take his arm and do my best to ignore the heat that runs through my body. I just try to focus my mind on Cullen. Naked. His toned back. His eyes blown wide with lust…

There we go.

I’m good now.

And somehow we are already at the War Room!

Only Josephine and Ed wait for us there….No Cullen.

He’s always on time…well…unless I make him late.

Something must be wrong.

Another few minutes and still no Cullen. “I guess we should get started….?”

“As you wish, Inquisitor.” Josie begins. “King Alistair and Queen Solana have returned to Denerim, but are sending a few hundred soldiers to a nearby base. They’ll be here within half a day from when we call. Their Majesties also wished to, one again, convey how much they enjoyed their stay.”

“Good! I was happy to have them!” I smile and play with a little figurine on the table.

Ed gestures for me to look toward him. “I did a cursory check of…”

The door slams open. It’s Cullen and he looks _furious_.

“You’re late?” I say with a small voice. I’m not accusing him…I’m actually a little terrified.

Josephine, ever the diplomat, tries to pretend like everything is totally fine. “Good morning, Commander. We just…”

“I need a word with the Inquisitor.” He fumes, staring me down.

I look at Ed, panicked. Running would be a great idea.

I wonder if I can reach that window…or even the hole in the side of the building. Yeah, that would be good!

“Oh, well…we’re in the middle of a meeting.” I say with a peculiarly high voice.

He storms over to me. “Elaine. Now.”

Cullen towers over me, which starts to make me angry.

Intimidation tactics by my own Commander?! Not okay. “Wow. You need to take a deep breath.”

“Outside. Now!” He grabs my upper arm and hauls me from the room.

I can only struggle so much, the grip he has on me will most likely bruise. Great.

What did I do?!

He slams the door behind us and more or less throws me against the wall of Josie’s office.

“Cullen! What. The. Fuck!?” I growl, using the stone wall to steady myself.

His voice is now dangerously calm. “Elaine, why did I find Samson down in the Undercroft with Dagna when I went to request better armor for you?”

Oh. That’s what this is about.

“Because Raleigh is being studied by her. She all but came up with the cure for the taint on her own…well, using mine and Solana’s research…not the point…anyway….I figure that maybe she can look at figuring out how to cure people with red lyrium poisoning too.” The whole thing is completely reasonable! Well, maybe I should have _told_ Cullen about it at some point…but we’ve been busy!

“ _Raleigh_?!” He shouts. “Are you fucking kidding me?!”

“Just because you treat him like he’s an animal doesn’t mean that I have to!” I cross my arms and yell back. Two people can play at this. “He has a first name, _Rutherford_.”

“That man is a murderer!” He runs a hand through his hair like he can’t believe what I’m saying.

I roll my eyes…we’re all murderers here.

Yeah, dark, I know, but it’s true.

“This is why Zevran made sure that we went down without you. There was no way I could have made a fair judgement with you there.”

“He _kidnapped_ you!” Cullen hisses clapping his gloved hands together to emphasize each word.

“He never would have actually hurt me. That’s not what you do with valuable hostages. Besides, he went through the same training _you_ did. There is some semblance of honor there.”

He thunders over and grabs my arms again, shaking softly. “What is wrong with you?! Did someone drop you one too many times as a child?!”

 I wrench his hands off of me. “That’s uncalled for.”

“How could you do this to me?” He suddenly sounds significantly sadder than before.

I sigh and let my shouting stop. “This isn’t about _you_. It’s about the Inquisition.”

“Of course it’s about me!” He yells again, his voice vibrating through the small room. It sends waves of fear through my body.

Angry. So. Angry.

“Fuck, Cullen! You hate him so much simply because you could have _been_ him. You were just as complicit in genocide as he was. You _wanted_ innocents, _mages_ , people like me, _killed_. You actively fought for it! Don’t play the nobler than thou card with me, Commander!” I slap his shoulder, which is dumb because he is in full armor….so it does nothing to him, but ends up hurting my hand.

“How dare you.” He growls. “I was tortured by those…things!”

“Yes, bad things happen to good people all the time! All. The. Time. Most people go get help, not blame an entire segment of the population. You didn’t even think mages deserved to be people! This isn’t a game of who is worse, Cullen!”

This is getting out of hand. I am not doing a good job of….well anything, really.

 “I love you. How can you say such awful things?! Why are you siding with _him_?!” He gets dangerously close to me again, dwarfing me in his silverite plated glory. “Will you _ever_ choose me _first_?”

My eyes get wide. “That’s cruel, Cullen. I know who you are, what you’ve been, and I _still_ love you with all my heart. I haven’t sided with anyone. I gave someone a chance!” He won’t listen and it breaks my heart.  Then, I think about Ed…and how he was beaten. “Oh, while we are yelling you had better get your men under fucking control, _Commander_.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” He hisses.

I shove against him, but he’s so big it just sort of makes him stop looming over me. “Your men beat my brother. It’s your _job_ to make sure things like that don’t happen. We are _not_ the bad guys!”

“You think this was my fault?”

“Yep.” I cross my arms sassily.

He returns to having a low, dark, calm voice…which is terrifying. “Would you rather I let someone else command, _Inquisitor_? Perhaps your friend Raleigh, since he did such a good job with his previous employer.”

“Stop being an ass. If you want to leave then leave!” My shout echoes around the room.

Cullen pauses and then lets out a feral yell and punches the wall above my shoulder, breathing heavily.

I suppress a little shriek of terror.

“That’s _enough_ , Commander.” Ed screams from the doorway, shocking us both out of our little meltdown bubble. “You will step away from my sister. Immediately.”

I turn my head and see both Zevran and Edward standing casually with hands on hidden daggers.

Cullen would have never hurt me.

I finally look back up and meet his rage darkened eyes. They’re glassy despite his apparent hatred of me.

A tear rolls down my cheek. I clear my throat, eyes still locked with Cullen’s. “The meeting will be postponed for now.” I wipe away the rolling tears and whisper. “I’m sorry.” Before running out of the room.

I don’t stop my sprint until I’m back in my room curled up on the bed.

Of course, within a few minutes, there is a knock on the door.

“Fuck.” I groan covering my head with a pillow.

“It’s us, love.” Anders calls from the other side of the door.

“And we’re coming in whether you like it or not.” Dorian adds, opening the door.

I feel the bed sag on both sides of me as my mage loves curl up with be between them.

“Edward stopped berating Cullen for _just_ long enough to send the two of us up here.” Anders pulls the pillow off of my face. “So, want to talk about it?”

I shake my head and burrow into Dorian’s chest; he pets my hair and sighs. “Are you going to come out from between my bosoms?”

“But they’re so nice.” I mumble into his shirt.

“Trying to steal my man, Inquisitor?” Anders chuckles and starts tickling my sides.

I screech and flail around, slapping at his hands.

The blonde drags me into his bosom. “Cullen has a difficult time accepting the love of others. When confronted with his past, I think he defaults to hating himself…well and the idea of everyone else hating him too.”

Dorian wraps his arms around the two of us. I can feel them kiss over my shoulder, like I’m their hurt child.

I mean….stranger things have happened….

Being Ander’s and Dorian’s daughter would actually be the best thing ever!!!

Anyway….

Anders continues. “He’ll cool off, and when he does, he’ll need you.”

“Until then, let’s go drinking!” Dorian cheers.

“Dorian, it’s barely noon.” I deadpan.

“No time like the present!” He smirks and drags me to sit, making a disgusted face. “But first, we need to get you fixed back up. You look wretched.”

“I love you too, Dorian.” I kiss him on the cheek. “And you too, Anders.” Giving him a kiss as well before getting out of my bed.

As I’m washing my face, the door to my room opens without anyone announcing themselves. “So, Ed, how is the Commander?”

I don’t need to look to know who would have just stealthily entered and then said _nothing_.

When I turn to look at him he makes a disgusted grunt that could rival Cassandra’s disappointment and holds up a hand to stop me from saying anything else. “I love you, but you fucked up, Ellie”

“Ed, that’s not very nice.” I cross my arms, pouting.

He squares his shoulders and looks at me with disapproval. “If you had just _told_ him about Samson _weeks_ ago, none of this would have been a problem.”

“I was busy.” I say…because I’m pathetic and don’t feel like admitting to my own mistakes.

He keeps going. “Then! Ellie, then you deflected and you aimed low. I expected better from you, little girl.”

New tears well up and I start to cry under this awful disapproving glare. He’s right. I messed up. I said really awful things to poor Cullen. What is wrong with me?!

He sighs and comes over to give me a hug. “He’ll be fine, but really, be better next time. He loves you. Did you think about how we’ll have to go home, little girl?”

I haven’t.

Because I’m an idiot.

I mean, I could stay…right? At least I know Cullen won’t go crazy and try to commit genocide, right? We’d probably leave the Inquisition, get married, and live on a nice little farm. I could meet his family! Maybe we’d get a dog. I know he has wanted a Mabari.

Then, like Ed can read my mind. “No. You can’t just _stay_. Max and Martin will kill me if I don’t come back with you, Ellie.”

I just sort of melt into Edward’s hug. I mean….he’s right…when it was just me here I could stay without having to actually deal with any of my actions back home…but taking away half of mom’s kids? That’s pretty bad.

_Everything sucks_.

Well, it might not even matter, because Cullen currently hates me.

“He hates himself. Not you.” Ed kisses the top of my head.

I slap against his arms and chest to get away from him. “You stop that right now, spy man!”

“See, this is why it’s so convincing that I’m your guardian. I can read you, little girl.”

“Another spy?” Dorian sighs. “I thought we were full up…”

I shake my head. “This one is different. He’s mine.”

* * *

Ed doesn’t come down with us to the Tavern because he has things to do or whatever. I try not to think about things he does now….especially with the 007 brother thing. Honestly, I don’t want to think about anything. The Cullen blow up was _not good_. And now I’m cranky and sad.

I want to eat lots of carbs.

So, that’s why when we finally get to the Heralds Rest, Dorian has hard liquor because that man can drink it like it’s water, Anders has a light ale, and I have a bowl full of bread.

It is what it is.

I can’t really justify starting to drink when the sun is still out.

Ed finally walks in with Zevran of all people…I guess they were spy mastering together? Please let that be all. Please God.

Bull looks Edward up and down. “So, you’re the Lady Boss’s dad or something?” The inner circle knows what’s going on, but leave it to Bull to try to test people.

“Indeed, Ellie is my little girl.” He looks adoringly and pets my hair a little. “She’s always hated it, but despite her protests she’s a daddy’s girl.”

“Stop it, Ed!” I growl and bat his hand off my head.

“Why’d you take her in?” Bull smirks.

“My wife, Maker bless her soul, found this sweet babe in the woods. We think she must have escaped the Templars somehow.” Ed has the perfect amount of nostalgia in his voice.

Bull lets out a shockingly loud laugh and slams down his mug. “You’re good!”

“Trained by the best.” Ed winks and struts over to the bar.

“Are all of your siblings so tempting, Lady Boss?” Bull says ogling my brother’s behind

I snap in his face. “Hey! Yes, but hands off, The Iron Bull, don’t get any ideas.”

“You get to play with our world, why can’t he?” Bull lightly pouts, making Anders choke a bit on his ale.

I frown, thinking about the playing I _won’t_ be doing and take another bite of the amazing loaf Cabbot gave me. I mean seriously. I need to ask for the recipe because it’s perfect. 

Ed comes back over and passes me my phone. “I thought you could use a party, and sorry Iron Bull, I’m a man of specific tastes; horns are not one of them.” Ed winks and sits himself across from me, taking my phone back away from me before I can even open up any apps and fiddling with it.

I roll my eyes and eat more. Well…. And the sun started setting so….I go get some wine.

_Oh don’t you dare look back. /Just keep your eyes on me /I said, “you’re holding back,”/ She said…._

Ed is grooving over toward me at the bar. “Oh God. Ed no, please.” My phone is sitting in a mug and somehow magically amplifying the sound even louder. I suspect that my mage men had something to do with that.

Everyone is staring.

“I’m not going away.” Ed snickers and she dances around me. “You need to take a break. _Shut up and dance with me_!!!!” He grabs my hands and wiggles them around so that my upper body is shimmying against its will.  

I finally give in a dance a little. Someone has to stop him. He looks like a complete dork.

“Allow me.” Zevran purrs from behind me. I spin around and he’s slightly bowed with his hand outstretched for me.

At least it will make Ed stop.

I hold out my hand to him and he starts more or less swing dancing with me to “Shut Up and Dance”. It’s like the best fever dream ever…only it’s real.

This is happening.

I am swing dancing with a sexual elf…in a Tavern…in Thedas.

Sometimes, you look at your life and go…maybe I’m just in a padded room somewhere hallucinating everything.

This is one of those times……

Until I see Bull dancing with my brother.

It’s real.

I figure Ed can take care of himself and decide to just enjoy. If Solas gets his way, we won’t have many opportunities to party…or live, really….

So, we party.

Ed had put on my random dance party playlist, which is exactly what this is.

_Grab somebody sexy, tell ‘em hey/ Give me everything tonight._

After a few songs, not all of my friends are dancing, so I decide to take matters into my own hands. They’re clearly not well versed in the American style of grinding.

When the song tells me to “Grab somebody sexy” I take Dorian’s hand and force him to stand, then lewdly roll my body up his side, which just provokes amused laughter. He picks up on the dance style, perhaps too fast and suddenly, I’m sandwiched between Anders and him. A grinding sandwich.

Thankfully, Ed just thinks it’s funny and not potentially dangerous…nothing kills a party like murder…

Ha! Get it.

Yeah, I know. I’m lame.

Anyway, harassing Cassandra is perfection. “Inquisitor, I really wish you wouldn’t” she groans as I take her hand as my “someone sexy” and tug for her to stand.

“Come party with me, pretty lady.” I say in a sultry voice with an overly sexual wink.

“If it will get you to stop, I’ll do anything.” She blushes, but laughs.

I throw my head back in despair. “Oh my god I’ve become my brother!”

Varric quickly takes over dancing with Cass. I know they pretend to hate each other, but I think it’s because they just love so deeply they don’t know what to do with it.

I’ll have to fix that.

We just party and drink and it’s perfect.

“Oh, Lane….don’t look now…but…” Anders eyes are sparkling with mischief as he looks over to a corner of the tavern where Zevran is making out with a lovely….Ed. He’s making out with Ed.

“Seriously?!” I groan and down the drink in my hand. I make a fake gagging face in their direction.

It is definitely not noticed.

They are far too busy.

I’m not jealous!!!

Why would I be?!

Fuck! Why is Zevran so attractive?!?!?!?!

“I can’t look away.” Dorian chuckles. “It’s too much beauty.”

“Watch it.” Anders laughs and pulls Dorian into a kiss of their own.

Omg. Everyone needs to stop.

Also, Cole and the Bard? Totally a thing! Right?! My scary little spirit friend is dating! I feel like a proud mama.

Things _could_ be worse.

At least I love everyone here.

….I just wish Cullen was here too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Saturday!!!
> 
> Yeah...Elaine did a bad thing...Then everyone over reacted...She really shouldn't be in charge.
> 
> This chapter actually took me about 2 weeks to write, so I apologize if it's all over the place. My muse peaced out and hasn't quite come back yet; I'm working on getting the groove back.


	13. Trying to Make It Better

The door to the Tavern bangs open.

Cullen is standing in the doorway out of his armor.

Most people keep dancing, but the advisors, Dorian, Anders, and Ed all turn to look at me. Their party knobs turned down a few notches.

Cullen fully enters, and drops his coat on an empty hook on the wall. His eyes dart around until he sees me in the middle of the floor by myself….obviously I didn’t go a good job of hiding. Not like I really was trying to hide…but in hindsight….it would have been a good idea.

Ed is by my side before Cullen can cross half of the floor toward us. He puts a hand on my shoulder, it’s not really there to comfort me, but rather to show the Commander that I’m well protected.

Cullen’s shoulders are rolled down, but he meets my eyes. I can feel his desperation and sadness piercing into me. “Elaine, can I talk to you, please?”

“Upstairs, both of you.” Ed answers curtly, shoving me toward the stairs. “And Maker help you if you lay a hand on her.”

“I would never!” Cullen stammers.

Ed smirks. “I know. You’re a good man, Commander.” I have no idea if that’s Ed being serious or threatening and the fact that it’s a mystery is super freaky.

The second floor is mostly abandoned, everyone must have thought that the party with the magic music box was a better time than the second hand festivities up the stairs.

Honestly, I want to run away and pretend like nothing ever happened… and then…well… Ed would probably catch me before I could get very far. Something about responsibilities and being a capable adult, or some crap.

Do you understand how weird it is that he isn’t normal!? I now wonder how many things I didn’t _actually_ get away with when I was younger… ugh.

Anyway, so Cullen sits down at one of the benches and rests his elbows on his knees, looking defeated, which sucks because we haven’t even started talking.

I pace in front of him because I am too anxious to sit. We both said some really terrible things and maybe I didn’t really mean all of it, but just…this is the worst.

So, I do what I do best: word vomit. “I’m sorry. I should have told you.” I blurt out.

He looks at me for a few seconds, maddeningly silent, before. “Yes. You should have.” His voice is hard and cold…but tired.

Ass. I literally _just_ said that. A small growl vibrates my chest. “Fine. I see how this is going to go!” I hiss and start to storm off.

Cullen’s strong arm encircles my bicep; it always surprises me how fast he moves considering his size. “No, Elaine…I...please…I’m sorry.” Reluctantly, he guides me to sit with him on the bench. “I _am_ sorry.”

The anger goes out of me with a big breath out. I love him. I can do this. “Me too. I was really insensitive.” I sigh. “I didn’t want us to fight, so I just avoided telling you. I don’t know why. And I’m so sorry that I belittled your trauma…I can’t even begin to understand…”

“You were right though.” He holds his hand open, obviously wanting me to put mine in his, but he’s letting me make the choice. I lace our fingers together. “I had been with the Templars since I was 13…took my vows at 18 and then….the next year was the destruction of Kinlock…”

“What?!” I blurt out. “You were 19 when you were tortured?!” He only looks at me out of the corner of his eye, but I can see the depth of pain in them. My voice lowers. “Oh, my heart. I had no idea…you were so young.” I pull his hand to my lips and kiss. “You are even stronger than I thought.”

“No. Do not feel sorry for me. I _truly_ did horrible things Elaine. I endorsed two annulments. _Two_.” He pulls his hand away and covers his eyes as he speaks….confesses… “So many abuses occurred in Kirkwall and I just….I swept them under the rug….The children I allowed to be ripped from their mothers…the Tranquils…the….rapes. Everything was out of control. I was out of control, but I was too clouded by lyrium to even care. No. I must do my duty. Always my duty!”

His breaths are ragged. Furious. But his body is so still. He’s like a spring ready to jump up and slap the closest person in the eye. I can’t help but pity the guy. It hurts so bad to see someone you love have a meltdown.

I wonder how often he gets into this frame of mind….how often his actions haunt him….I softly run my hand down his shoulder blade. “Cullen…” I coo.

“No!” He shouts, standing. “Do not deserve coddling. Elaine, you need to understand. I am _still_ frightened by mages, by their power, their lack of control, their penchant for possession.” Part of me is happy that either Ed or Zevran or both are probably sneakily skirting the edges of this floor, just in case.

My hand was still lingering in the air, but I snap it back to my chest as all of the air leaves me. “You _what_?” I can’t help but have a shaky voice. This is where it ends. This is where he decides this isn’t worth it. That I’m just like everyone else and he….can’t.

Cullen opens teary eyes to search my face. “I’m afraid of them.”

“Of me? Cullen, I’d never hurt you.” How has he not told me this before?!

“You are different….were different. Your aura…it’s calm, energizing. You heal. You have no actual battle prowess.” While true, it makes me frown. “At first, you did…you healed my aches, but the thought of you touching my mind…it terrified me. But, you….you were so beautiful, small, unassuming. Elias had such trust in you….how could I not? Those nights, I slept better than I had in years.” He heaves a broken breath and shakes his head.

My heart is breaking. All I wanted to do was help…but really I was just scaring him.

I hate myself.

“… but not any more?” I whisper, afraid to hear the answer.

He wipes away a tear. “The anchor. It warped your aura. You feel much more like Dorian or Vivienne or even Solas now. Untamed. Powerful. Unlike who I was in Kirkwall, I certainly think mages are people. They deserve just as much as anyone, but… I would not choose...” He cuts off, unable to find the words.

I sniffle and try to stay strong for my broken warrior. “You don’t want me anymore? You don’t trust me?”

“No, that’s not what I….I trust you.” He kneels down in front of me and cradles my hands in his. “Maker, I love you. I love you so much that you make me forget how much I hate myself some days. That maybe I can overcome…” His voice is soft, sorrowful. “I’ve been trying to…”

“Cullen, you can’t fix this unless you tell me. You’ve _never_ said _anything_. How am I supposed to know? How can I help?!” All of my words string together in panic. I mean, yeah I should have told him about Samson, but this is a bit of a bigger problem!

Hush! It’s a bigger problem!

I get it. We did the same thing. But really, scope.

“Believe me, I know. I just…what we have was so perfect and I…”

“What we had was a lie!” This is just Solas all over again. He won’t trust me. He thinks that I can’t handle myself. I can’t handle our problems. That I’m too breakable. He was making important decisions about our relationship without me. “You could have told me the truth, _so many times_ and you didn’t.” I try to pull my hands out of his, but he holds me tight.

He’s trembling. “Please, Elaine, don’t say that.”

“I thought…”

“Stop. Trust that I love you.”

“How?”

Cullen slowly leans forward, his eyes asking for permission as he gets closer. Clearly his intent is to kiss me, but I don’t know. I sort of lean forward, but I’m hesitant.

I don’t think that’s how we fix this.

Suddenly, some drunken laughing and stuttering steps make our heads snap over to the stairs. Ed and Zevran are stumbling up onto the landing waring with their lips and exploring each other’s chests with fumbling hands.

Before I can say anything, Cullen kisses my anchored hand. His wince is only _just_ noticeable. “I’m trying.” He mumbles against my skin.  

The warrior stands and quickly dodges my brother and his amazingly attractive paramour…Not Jealous!

And the Commander is gone.

I’m numb, but really don’t want to stay up here for whatever _this_ is going to be. I glance over at the would be lovers; Ed’s eyes are open and narrowed as he studies me. Clearly he is not as drunk as he is pretending. Zevran is probably sober too.

“You’re the worst.” I bark at the two of them. I’m sure that they had heard everything and Ed suddenly decided he didn’t like what was going on, so he decided to get his freak on as a diversion. “I hate you.”

Ed winks, never separating from Zev’s body.

Clearly, no one wants to talk to me. To be fair…they’re not really interested in talking to one another either.

I groan and walk up the stairs to the exit that leads to the battlements. I need some air.

The cold stone of the walls helps to keep me from breaking down. What the hell is wrong with me, right?! How do I keep managing this? The only two people I have really ever been in love with don’t allow me to be an autonomous person.

“You are troubled.” A rough baritone softly assesses me.

“Yeah. Thank you, genius.” I grumble turning to face whoever it is. It’s Fenris, because, of course it is. “Oh…..I’m sorry.”

He actually looks rather amused at my reaction; one of his brows is slightly raised and a smirk plays at his lips. “Not a title I am often given, Inquisitor.”

I rest my back against the half wall. “That was rude of me. I’d be lying if I said that I was the happiest I’ve been in my life.” I sigh and run and hand through my hair. “I’m sorry, you don’t need to listen to the less than capable Inquisitor bitch about her chronic boy problems.”

Fenris tilts is head to the side, considering me. “You are quite capable, Inquisitor.”

“No. I’m not. I’m just Elaine. Just normal, stupid, Elaine. I’m not a warrior. I’m not a spy. I’m not even a battlemage. I have _no_ business being here.” I can’t help, but laugh at how ridiculous this all is.

“You are kind.” His assessment jars me. “Your heart is pure, that is more than can be said for many in power…or for many mages.”

I frown. “Thank you, but that won’t save us from Fen’harel. It’s not enough.”

“It may be worth more than you believe. Fen’harel has forbidden any of his people from hurting you. Whatever impact you made on him has lasted. When we heard of your crowning, the first suggestion of his generals was to destroy you while you were still in mourning; you’d be vulnerable. He chastised those who attempted to put said plan into motion.”

I roll my eyes. “It’s probably just so that he can kill me himself, Fenris.”

He shakes his head. “Do not underestimate goodness, many will chose it over sacrificing for a battle you have already won for them.” He seems to think something over for a moment, then hands me something from behind his back. It’s Cullen’s coat…he must have left it downstairs. “He is working through his fears. Had I done the same when it mattered, she might still be alive.” I have no idea what he’s talking about. Who is she? He continues past my confusion. “It is difficult, but I work through my own trauma every day. He will conquer himself”

“To be fair, you attacked Dorian the minute he spoke.” I deadpan.

He rolls his eyes. “Yes, Cullen is a better man that I. He fears your magic, but not your love. Think on it; we do not live forever, Elaine.” Then, off he goes into the darkness, leaving me with Cullen’s coat and a heavy heart.

I drag my feet back to my room, not looking forward to sleeping alone. I’m afraid for the next time Solas shows up in my dreams….especially without someone there to comfort me when I wake….if I wake. Can he do that? Can he just trap me in the Fade? If I worry about that I’ll never sleep again.

After opening the door to my bedroom, I toss Cullen’s jacket on my chair and stare at it for a second. No reason really, my brain just sort of stops as I step out of my boots.

The side door to the bathroom opens and Cullen walks out. He’s in his sleep pants and no shirt, his hair is damp, but he’s still here. He didn’t leave.

Cullen freezes for a second. “You…I….I still want to try.”

“You’d share your bed with a mage?” I choke out, both happy and saddened to see him.

He slowly walks toward me like I’m a wounded animal that will flee. The warmth of his hand cradles my cheek as he looks at me with complete love. “I would share my bed with _you_. I’d give anything for you. Despite my lingering fears, I will fight for you….for your love, until my last breath.”

And that’s it. My heart craves him…and…well…my body does too.

It is what it is.

Don’t look at me like that.

Anyway,

I launch myself onto him, taking his lips with mine and wrapping my arms around his neck. The tension in his body disappears as he melts into me. He backs me up to the wall, trapping me between his heat and the chill of the stone.

His leg comes up between mine and almost raises me off the ground as our tongues dance, desperate for touch and reconciliation. I run my hands along his bare shoulders and moan with desire, rubbing myself against his thigh.

I drop a hand to the laces of my pants and he all but smacks my hands out of the way so that he can be the one to disrobe me. I can’t step out of the pants fast enough as they fall to the ground. Cullen rips my shirt over my head as I easily pull away his underwear and lose sleep pants.

A deep, masculine moan, vibrates through the room as he slips a hand down between my legs. His fingers gently, but purposefully rub circles around my clit. He is learning my body so well, making me start to drip in just a few fevered moments. I bury my head into his neck and dot hard kisses, meaning to leave marks.

One of his fingers slides into my wetness, testing my body. “Please.” I moan.

Cullen grabs tight around one of my thighs and guides me to hop up and rest the other around his waist as well. His arms cradle my back in such a way that I won’t be scraped up against the wall when we move together.

I am now truly sandwiched between my lover and Skyhold. “Are you alright?” He pants as his hard member rubs against my heat.

I nod and position him at my entrance. Cullen slowly sinks up into my body, provoking moans from both of us.

“Fuck.” He growls into my shoulder. “You’re so tight.” A few thrusts more. “You feel so good.”

I’m not fantastic at the whole dirty talk thing, so I mostly just sigh and whimper. Hearing him is far more erotic than coming up with my own poor attempts at seduction.

His thrusts are deep and fast as he pounds me into the wall. One of my hands slides from his neck to continue rubbing at my sensitive nub.

“Yes.” He approves, locking eyes with me. “I love you, Elaine. I love you and I want to feel you throbbing around me.” His angle shifts just a bit, but it’s enough to make me cry out his name. Cullen smirks, pleased with himself. “That’s right. Let yourself go.”

My head drops back as my body begins to shutter with ecstasy. He keeps taking me as I ride my waves of pleasure around him, even as his own body throbs inside of me and his own moans join with mine.

He holds me there against his chest as our bodies start to calm.

I giggle. “You know, there was a bed less than twenty feet away.”

Cullen lets out a small laugh and adjusts his old on me, walking over to the bed in question. “I couldn’t wait.”

“You strange, sweet man.” I smile as he places me on the bed before crawling up in the furs with me. Sadness washes over me as I remember our actual problems.

He pulls me into the crook of his arm and rest his head over mine. “I know it may not be easy, but I don’t want to lose you. I’ve already progressed so much.”

I hush him. “We can do this, we just have to trust one another. Everything will be fine.”

* * *

“My Lord, Skyhold is still heavily defended.” An elf speaks at the corner of a large table.

It sort of looks like a version of the War Room.

What an odd dream….

“No, it was where everything began. It is where it must end.” Solas’s voice silences the other man. They’re all sort of dressed like Abelas and the other sentinels, except Solas has on a large fluffy wolf pelt…because of course he does.  

What memory am I seeing? I was never here for this. Is the Fade telling me something? The Well has been rather quiet since first making itself known….

“It doesn’t hurt that she will be there, does it?” A happy little elven woman with bright green eyes and dark hair almost giggles to Solas. He narrows his eyes in annoyance. I’m familiar with the look.

“The Inquisition’s forces are widespread, searching for us. Skyhold will only have a few squads at the ready. We will overtake them in the valley, or they will all starve. The Inquisitor would allow no such thing to happen.” Solas sounds so certain….is this real? An attack on Skyhold would be insanity!

I take a peek at the map and see more or less the same set up we have. What is going on here?

Suddenly, Solas turns and looks directly at me. “Your time has run out, _vhenan_. I will take my fortress back and I will bring you into the safety of my stronghold.” His eyes flash a strange blue-white electric-y color. “I am coming for you.”

I shoot up back in my bed, panting.

“Darling, what’s wrong?” Cullen grumbles, heavy with sleep.

My hands cover my mouth, frightened of the words I am about to say. “He’s coming.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Not The Weekend!
> 
> I know this took be forever, but I had a really difficult time getting this chapter written for whatever reason...maybe my muse was on a vacation. Anyway, it's sort of back now. 
> 
> I hope that the beginnings of dealing with her and Cullen are satisfactory, but keep in mind that it is by no means over with; they have some more choices to make about their relationship going forward.


	14. They're Here

I’m trembling. He’s coming. Solas is coming…and he’s bringing an army.

“Elaine, my heart, you just had a nightmare. Come back.” Cullen yawns, opening his arms out to me.

I shake my head. “No. Cullen. He came to me in my dreams again. He said my time is up. He’s coming for Skyhold and he’ll take me away too.”

Cullen quickly hauls himself up and wraps his arms around me, holding me tight. “He won’t have you and he will not have Skyhold. This is madness. We’ll be ready for him.” I think at this point he knows better than to question the things Solas shows me in my sleep.

He seems content to just shield me with his body in this bed, but we need to do something. “Come on, we have an Inquisition to save.” I pry myself from his arms and throw on one of his old shirts with my pants from yesterday. I don’t even bother to put on shoes. Cullen tosses on his sleep pants and grabs a fur off the bed, tucking it under his arm.

I don’t look behind me to see if he is following, but start to run down the hall to Ed’s room. I have sneaking suspicion that I’ll be notifying more than one of the advisors as I frantically knock on his door. “Ed!” I yell, knocking harder, “Open the door! We’ve got trouble!”

The door slams back and Ed’s standing there with a sheet wrapped around his waist and two daggers in his hands. “Are you alright?” His hair is tousled and he has more than one hickey. Ugh.

Then, inside, Zevran is _completely naked_ half kneeling on the bed. So, yeah, I’ve seen it all now. All of Zevran. His tattoos go _everywhere_. “For fuck’s sake, put some clothes on!!!!” I scream and slam my hand over my eyes.

Some non-verbal communication happens between Cullen and Ed as my warrior wraps his arms over mine with the fur draped around his back and coming closed around my chest. My love thinks ahead. The castle is so cold. I did not plan well. “Solas came into her dream. They’re going to attack Skyhold.”

“Wait, he what?” Ed sounds lost.

I keep my hand over my eyes. “Solas can visit me in dreams. He senses me, or whatever. This is the third time he has told me that he’s coming to take me back with him. But…he said time’s up. They will try to siege Skyhold unless I go….I think he wants Skyhold anyway, but I don’t know why. He said that it started here so it must end here….I don’t know what ‘it’ is.”

“I suppose we should inform the Inner Circle and meet in the War Room.” Zevran says sweetly.

Cullen starts to turn me to walk toward the War Room. “And everyone better be wearing fucking pants when they get there!!!” I yell over my shoulder.

A muffled Antivan voice echoes down the hall. “But she said we could wear _fucking_ pants…” Ed laughs as he the door closes.

“Gross!” I yell, hoping they can hear me still. Not acceptable. Too many wangs.

* * *

The day flies by in a blur: plotting, inventing, rearranging, soft touches, stolen glances, then ending with limbs intertwined.

Reddish yellow light streams through my bedroom window as Cullen helps me to put on the last of my armor. I mean, I guess it can be called armor? It’s mostly just leather and cloth, but he had Dagna put super protective runes on it or something.

He is wearing his usual armor and, of course, was already in it before I even got myself untangled from the sheets. His lion helm sits on my vanity.

We’ve both been strangely quiet since the War Room. We’ve done all we can. Alistair’s troops are headed up into the mountains to cut off paths that Fen’Harel’s army could be using. Cullen is having them focus on trebuchets and longer range weapons for the battle. Just like Solas said in the dream, we will engage them in the Valley…hopefully it will help us keep the civilians safe.

Zevran had discovered a number of spies among our ranks put there by Solas, but instead of outing them, he manipulated their relationships, and took the liberty of placing them in squads with those they had formed close connections with. It’s better to maybe turn them to our side than to let them openly fight against us on the field.  The whole thing sounds a bit…awful…to me, but it makes sense.

If I hadn’t told you that Dagna was my hero, then….well…she is. I threw out the idea of getting radios or something so that we can actually coordinate everything. Apparently, there are these things called sending crystals and in seriously like two hours, she came up with little neck bands for all of the captains, the inner circle and the advisors to wear. We can stay connected and I can help manage stuff from the battlements with a few other mages who are going to try to control the field.

I know. I’m a healer, but I do defense stuff pretty well! Yeah, well, I need to be able to manage any possible rift activity! Okay!?

When the sun begins to truly crest the mountains, we must take the field.

“My darling?” Cullen’s soft call snaps me out of my thoughtful trance. I’d just been staring at his helmet for who knows how long.

My eyes focus back up on to his. “I’m scared.” Cullen will be on the front lines, leading by example. Damn him.

“I am too.” He says so quietly that I almost don’t hear it. His arms pull me into his chest, or as close to his chest as I can get considering he is in full plate. “Of course I am afraid. Who knows what he is capable of? What will happen should he succeed?”

I run my hands through the curls near his neck. I’m desperate to touch as much of him as possible, should the worst happen. “Are you sure that I cannot convince you to stay back with me?”

“I am sorry, but no.” He kisses the top of my head. “The men need me. Seeing you, safe, above the field is all that I need.”

I huff a small sarcastic laugh. “Like I’m your personal guardian angel?”

He echoes my amusement. “We must draw strength wherever we can.”

I take a deep breath to repeat what he so many times refused to allow during our meeting. “If giving myself to him is how we save everyone…”

He holds my chin in his hand and “No, Elaine. That is the end of it.”

“Cullen, we cannot afford to think that I’m special. Thedas matters more.” I frown.

His lip just barely quivers. “I cannot bear the thought of losing you. Not like this.”

I caress his cheek, memorizing the way his stubble feels against my fingertips. “It’s a possibility that…”

“No. You will come back. _We_ will come back.” He grabs my hand in his and kisses my palm before lowering his lips to mine. “To think of anything else….I can’t…”

All of our fears, our hopes, they manifest in this one last private kiss. At the beginning our teeth clack together, the desperation to touch making us imprecise. We quickly find our lips moving together strongly, but sweetly. I glide my tongue against his and swallow his low groan. His hands are so warm that I think I can feel them through the leather at my back.

I can’t believe this is happening.

We will never have peace.

There is a knock. “Ellie, I’m sorry, but it’s time to go.”

We begrudgingly part and Cullen rests his forehead down against mine. “I love you, Elaine Trevelyan. You are my light and my heart. I will do everything in my power to protect you, forever.”

Tears threaten my eyes at the sincerity and conviction of his vow. “I love you too, Cullen. I…”

“Ellie, we are waiting for you.” Ed yells again through the door. He’s less sympathetic than the first request for my presence.

I don’t respond. Instead, my focus stays on my lion. “Are we married now?” I laugh and shake my head, pulling back the control of my emotions.

“Not yet.” He chuckles, taking my hand in his and walking us to the door. We both keep our gloves tucked into our belts so that we can savor one another’s touch for as long as possible.

Ed and Zevran are standing together against the wall across from my door. My brother’s eyebrows furrow. “You look weird, little girl.” He looks my armor up and down.

“Not looking too normal, yourself, Edward.” He has on brown and green leather armor that is definitely more robust than mine, but less hardcore than Cullen’s metal plate. There are a number of blades attached around his body. I don’t want to know how he ended up trained in that.

Ed gestures for us to start walking down the hall, which we do….silently.

Cullen and I tightly keep out fingers laced together until we reach the place where the stairs split.

He’ll go down to the battle field and prepare the men.

I will be ready on the battlements.

“Come back to me.” I whisper, lifting myself up onto my toes to give him a lingering kiss.

“Always.” He smiles, nuzzling his nose against mine.

We part with a final little squeeze of our hands. Ed and Zevran follow him down the stairs as I trek upwards, sliding on my gloves.

It’s time.

* * *

The wind whips around the small pieces of hair that have escaped my braid, stinging my cheeks as I look down on the valley.

The valley that is full of our people...my Inquisition...looking up at me.

“Time to shine.” Dorian winks.

I amplify the sound of the sending crystal. “Inquisition! Fen'Harel and his army have taken everything from some of you. Your villiages. Your loved ones. Your livelihood. Today we defend our home. We will not allow him to take Skyhold. Your families are safe within our walls and we will not let him take that away! For the Inquisition! For all of us!” I shout raising my arms into the air as the crowd below cheers in agreement.

The crystal goes silent for the time being as I set it to the same channel as my friends.

“Well done.” Dorian nods. “We'll be so fantastic, our hobo won't know what hit him.”

“Let's hope so.”

“We've got movement on the horizon, boss.” Bull's voice pulls my eyes to the mountaintops.

“Thank you, Bull. Anyone else?” I ask scanning for figures.

The gruff voice of Fenris joins us. “Confirmed.” 

I take a deep breath. “Alright, ladies and gentlemen, on the Commander's order.”

Just breaching the tip of the mountain I start to see a line of figures. No doubt it's Mr. let's-destroy-Thedas and company. In the middle is a wolf the size of a horse...because of course he can't be normal when he's coming to destroy his former home.

“Fuck.” I groan under my breath.

Dorian reaches over and grabs my hand settling himself closer to my side. “We'll be fine.” The wolf howls. “Or at the very least, we'll die looking as beautiful as we lived.”

I snort. “Thanks for the pep talk.”

“At the ready.” Cullen sounds ready to pounce as the enemy elves start to run down the mountain side, magically appearing at the bottom. A distance that should have taken hours to traverse. No doubt some of the weird magic stuff that the elves have been doing....well....I don't know...It's possible that it's just Solas's doing.

“Now!” Cullen shouts.

Projectiles rain down from the mountains, thanks to Ferelden. A notable number of the forward most enemy ranks stumble.

The battle begins.

Dorian and I work in tandem to cover the parts of the battlefield in front of us, throwing up walls of fire and ice to funnel attacks against our people into specific areas. I put barriers around as many people as I can sustain.

To be honest, I make sure to keep an eye on Cullen and Edward. They always have a barrier on them as well as at least one buffer spell; my love's strength is usually bolstered and my brother quickened.

Everything seems like a dream or some really strange video game.

The Inquisition fights with amazing efficiency.

The fight just sort of keeps going....and going...I start needing to supplement with lyrium. Eventually, the side of the field with Bull, the Chargers, Ed and Cullen starts to get pressed back.

“Dorian?” I look over with begging eyes.

He nods. “Of course, dear.” His eyes start to glow a faint purple. “Gentlemen on the left, be prepared for some extra troops.”

“What does he mean by that?” Ed's voice comes over the crystal.

I roll my eyes. “Our darling Tevinter studies a very fascinating school of magic.”

“Fucking creepy.” Bull grumbles.

The recently fallen in that area of the battle start to rise up again, taking the side of the Inquisition.

“Oh. So, that's what you mean.” My brother sighs. “Ellie, this place is really fucked up.” He lets out a war cry and fades off from crystal communication. Dagna is a saint. She knows what anyone needs before they even have the slightest idea that they would like it.

A familiar voice roars in pain, bringing me out of my dwarf worship.

My eyes dart around the field. I've lost sight of the Commander. My heart stops. “Cullen!?” I scream. “What's going on? Someone? Who has eyes on him?”

More angered screams. He's clearly hurt, but still fighting. “Commander! You are no good to me dead! Stand down!”

“Got him!” Anders announces as a large blast clears a ring around what looks like a doubled over lion man and my favorite healer. “They split him down the back. I've stabilized him, but he needs more healing than what I can do here.”

“Send him back to the Keep.” I demand, sounding much calmer than I am. We made sure to have teams of soldiers prowling the field to help the healers settled on the front lines.

“I'll be fine.” Cullen protests. “I've survived worse.”

“I said no, Commander!” My Inquisitor voice cuts him off. “Please, Cullen.” I beg.

No response.

“Cullen?!” I say in a panic. He has to be fine! Anders is there!

“It's alright, love. He just passed out.” the healer laughs. “He's on a stretcher back to Skyhold now.”

“That's my man.” Dorian mumbles with a grin before rising another undead army.

We continue to fight.

The wolf isn't a wolf anymore....Solas is somewhere in there. I can't tell where though...all of the fucking immortal elves look the same!!!

I know. Just....let me have this one. They're all tall and bald and were really far away at this point.

I roll my eyes at the insanity of the whole situation while throwing down a wall of ice to block a selection of enemies from Fenris. “I'm getting really tired of this shit, Solas.” I whisper to the wind.

My anchored palm starts to burn. Because of course it does. Part of me thinks he heard my complaint somehow and decided to up the stakes.

...it's more likely that it was planned....

A rift opens up in the middle of the field and more elves start to pour through.

“Fuck!” I bark. It feels like my green hand is going to fly off. It's never been this bad before. I start screaming and drop to one knee.

“Little girl?! What's going on?” Ed says quickly.

Dorian looks down at me and his brows knit together. “The anchor is flaring up. It's the rift.”

I take a few deep breaths and the pain begins to subside into an unpleasant burning. An amazingly uncomfortable realization hits me. This is it. It's Inquisitor time. “Dorian...I have to...”

“I know.” He frowns. “I'll cover you as much as I can.”

I nod and down another lyrium potion.

“What's going on?” A groggy Cullen responds as if this is the first thing he is hearing upon waking.

All of my breath leaves me like I've been punched in the gut. I wish he would have still been asleep for this.

I fully expect to not make it back.

I shake my head trying to fling the guilt and heartbreak away. “Are you ready, everyone?”

Bull's voice comes over the crystal system. “Chargers! The Inquisitor is taking the field.” Our amazing band of ragtag mercenaries begin to cheer.

The announcement starts to filter through our ranks, bolstering the soldiers...and making sure that everyone will know to keep an eye out for me. I am no battle mage....

“Like hell she is!!” Ed curses as his breathing increases like he's running.

I hurry down the stairs and onto the valley floor, dodging the fighting as I make my way to the middle of the skirmish.

I'm so fucked.

“Elaine?” Cullen croaks, panicked. “What...”

“A rift.” I cut him off, feeling the weight of the world on me.

“No.” He exhales. “You can't.”

 A hand clasps down on my shoulder, making me scream in terror. “My thoughts exactly, Commander.” Of course it's spy brother.

“No, Ed! I'm the only one who can stop this!” I'm no longer pouting. I'm very serious. There is no other way.

A trio of warrior elves try to surround us, but I blast them all back. Ed looks at me with wide eyes. I freeze another two who were coming up behind him. “I told you that I'm dangerous here, Ed. I can defend myself. You can stay if you want, but we need to get me to that giant green hole in the sky.”

He blinks a few times. “You're way more terrifying than I am.”

“I know.” I wink.

We run together into the fray.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Hump day! 
> 
> I hope that you're doing well, because you are awesome and beautiful and I love you!!!
> 
> (Random info: I listened to Renegades by Ambassadors X on repeat the whole time I was writing any battle scenes... it is what it is.)


	15. Screaming and then Dark

 “Elaine, stop. Please. Come back” Cullen's pleading into the crystal breaks my heart.

I can't. I wish I could but I can't. “Cullen, please.”

“Someone stop her!” He yells suddenly, making me stumble a little.

Ed looks over at me with a frown before throwing a dagger into the eye of some elf who was making his way over to us.

“Edward, make your sister see reason.” The Commander continues. “We cannot let them have possession of the anchor.”

Ed shouts, taking down another enemy as I freeze one who was trying to attack me. “The little girl has her mind made up. I'll keep her safe. If I don't come home with her I might as well not go back at all...Besides she can turn people into icicles.”

I roll my eyes and dart forward, blasting a small circle of elves out of my way.

The closer that I get to the rift, the more my hand starts to throb. This can't be normal.

“Shit! Fuck! Damn!” Ed starts screaming. About 15 feet behind me, he's being lifted into the air by a huge elf.

“Ed!” I scream moving toward him.

“ _Ar tu na'din_ ” A woman growls from behind me.

Yeah...Still don’t know elvish! Voices in my head explain, because of course the well decides to show back up in the middle of whatever the hell this is. “She means to kill you.”

Right? Thanks voices in my head! I thought she wanted a hug.

The man flings Ed off into the distance where he slides on the ground with an awful thud.

“Elaine, what is going on?!” Cullen says quickly.

I take in a shuttering breath looking at the two heavily armed elves who stand between me and the rift. “I love you.”

“Please don't, Elaine.” He swallows. “Fenris! Get to her!”

“No, Fenris you need to hold your line. We're dead if they get through.” I demand, trying to blast away the two enemies.

“Fenris!” Cullen shouts.

“I am sorry.” Fenris says sadly. I hope that means he is listening to me. The man is practical, so I can't imagine that he would let Cullen's sentiment rule him.

“Cullen...” My voice is barely audible. The sending crystal system goes silent except for us. Everyone is allowing us this moment. “I am so sorry, my heart. I'll do what I can.”

His voice cracks. “Lane, please. Come back. I love you.”

“I love you too. Remember that no matter what happens. I love you and I am so sorry.” He's still shouting as I put the crystal into my pocket.

I figure he doesn't need to hear me die.

I square my shoulders and put up a barrier around myself. I'll at least hold them off for a bit.

The woman shoots an arrow at me, but it bounces off.

“Fen'harel said _alive_ , Shaevra.” The man with the large hammer warns.

Shaevra spits at me. “He is a fool for preserving the dirty quickling. We can mend the error of his ways. The People deserve all of his attention.”

I guess Fenris wasn't exaggerating about Solas telling people to not harm me. Too bad no one is listening!

“This is insane!” I grumble, slowly trying to push past them. “You're insane! He's insane. I'm probably insane.”

The man tilts his head to the side and looks at me for way longer than should be allowed in the middle of a battlefield. “She is strange.” He just sort of observers the shit show that is the one sided fight between his woman companion and me. Despite her attempts, she cannot pierce my barrier. Thank the Maker for Anders and Dorian training me.

Yeah, I thanked the Maker! What of it!?

As I reach the rift, I realize the worst thing ever: I cannot keep up a barrier and pour out the power needed to close the tear.

I'm totally and completely fucked.

It’s a good thing I thought to put the crystal away, right?

I hate it here.

So, of course I get to die here. I mean I guess on some level that makes sense….I’m Elias and he’s dead…so I should be dead too. Maybe all of this was just some lucky borrowed time…

Shaevra starts to laugh, nocking an arrow and training it at my back. “Time’s running out, girl.”

My bottom lip starts trembling…because I’m pathetic. I don’t want to die. I just…this is the only way. I have to save them all.

I raise my hand to the rift and start to pull it closed. The barrier around me begins to weaken; the prepared arrow shatters what was left. I can hear the bow string tighten again. My muscles tense, waiting for a hit….that doesn’t come.

Behind me, Ed is standing to her side with a dagger at her throat. “You will not touch my sister.”

She rolls her eyes, like this is just any normal Tuesday. “Pity, you could have been fun once you were broken. Nellan, take him down.”

“No! Please!” I shout starting to move toward him.

Ed shakes his head. “Ellie, no matter what happens you close that rift and get yourself to safety, you hear me?!”

I nod as tears roll down my cheeks. Why is this happening again?!

Nellan, the man with the huge hammer, raises a hand. “I am sorry, Inquisitor, no protections were given for your companions.” Lightening flies from him shocking Ed. His screams are those of someone who is in agony. People can survive lightning strikes, right? I try to will that to be true with magical forms of it too as he crumples to the ground unconscious.

The rift is almost closed with the arrow I had stopped preparing myself for pierces my back. I scream, but air is so difficult to come by now. Wheezes start to take over. 

I drop down to one knee, but keep my arm up. The rift _must_ be closed. I have to save Cullen. I have to save Dorian. Anders. Dagna. Everyone.

“Shaevra, the Wolf will be very displeased.” Nellan chides like he is scolding a puppy instead of the woman who is currently killing me!

She scoffs. “It will be too late for him to alter.”

A dagger pierces through my raised forearm.  This time my scream shoots blood into the air. I’m screaming and crying, using my uninjured right arm to hold up my left as the last of the rift closes. Blood quickly soaks the arm of my clothes.

After what seems like ages, it closes.

I drop onto my side, wheezing.

“ _Emma shem’nan_ ” A familiar baritone growls. Nellan steps back with his hands in the air casually like he had nothing to do with any of this. “Make sure the man lives, Nellan.” The hammer guy nods and slips over to Ed.

“You would forsake The People for your whore, Fen’harel?!” Shaevra spits. “She is nothing. Look at how easily she dies.”

“How easily  _you_ die.” He hisses, his eyes glowing.

Shaevra turns to stone where she stands.

Then, I see him for the first time in almost three years. Solas kneels in front of me, teeth bared in fury, but eyes glassy with fear and sadness. “ _Vhenan_ , _abelas, emma ir abelas, ma sa’lath_.” He brushes hair away from my face.

I try to say something, but all that comes up is a gurgle of blood. She must have pierced my lung along with whatever else when the arrow hit.

Solas shakes his head. If his brows were anymore furrowed they’d be a single line of hair across his otherwise bald head.

The thought makes me laugh….which is just a set of wet wheezes that hurt.

Or maybe they don’t….everything seems to be less painful now.

“You don't have to be afraid anymore, my love.” He whispers, resting his forehead against mine.

I smile softly at him, he looks so scared. How can I be angry when these are my last few moments? At least they’re with someone who still holds part of my heart, whether I like it or not. “Enough, Solas.” I choke out. “Stop this.”

He frowns, looking up as Nellan speaks. “He will awaken soon.”

My body starts to shiver against my will. I’m cold? Yes. Wow. Not good. At least Ed will be alright. I saved someone… or well… Solas saved him…

Solas leans down, kissing my forehead. “Sleep, my heart. You are safe now.”

Is he _letting_ me die?

Is that what will make me safe?

My eye lids start to fall. Everything is too difficult…even breathing.

The pressure of his hand against my chest is the last thing I feel as I’m taken by darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy (Almost) Wednesday!!!! 
> 
> I loooove you! <3 We're getting into the home stretch! GAH!!! Thank you for continuing to read!


	16. Trespasser

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! If you're reading this and you haven't read Chapter 15, you might want to! This chapter is sort of tangential to the current Elaine timeline. 
> 
> (don't worry, it ends up making sense)

I climb the final hill. After all of these fucking Eluvians he had better be at this one! Damned Qunari won’t get to kill him before I do. Not after everything. I should have killed him when he first came back without her, slimy sonofabitch.

I crest the hill with just enough time to see him turning that awful Qunari woman into stone. That’s new. “Solas.” I seethe.

Pain overcomes me. My arm. The anchor. I’m not an idiot. I know that I’m dying. I drop to my knees and scream. I hate being weak in front of this poor excuse of a man.

His eyes flash as he looks down at me, almost smiling, like he’s actually happy to see me. “I suspect you have questions.”

The throbbing pain stops. “The Qunari answered some of those for me. You’re the Dread Wolf. _You’re_ Fen’Harel.” I growl.

Solas smiles broader. “Well done.” He always loved a good puzzle. Ass. “Solas came first, Fen’Harel came later…an insult that I took as a badge of pride.” Sounds like him. “The Dread Wolf inspired hope in my friends and fear in my enemies. Not unlike ‘Inquisitor’ I suppose.”

He doesn’t deserve to smile. “You’re a liar and murderer!” I hiss, lurching forward to attack him.

Once again, his eyes glow. The anchor flares up, felling me. The traitor doesn’t even have the balls to fight me. “I understand your anger. In your position, I would share it.”

“You know nothing about me.” I shout, cradling my arm.

He sighs and continues his dreadful monologue. “I sought to set my people free from slavery to would be Gods. I broke the chains of all who wished to join me. The false gods called me Fen’Harel, and when they finally went too far. I formed the Veil and banished them forever. I freed the elven people and, in doing so, destroyed their world.”

Yeah. Don’t care.

Never did.

I care about _this_ world. _These_ people. I do not care about false Gods. The Maker is the one true God.

I don’t even care about the damned Veil potentially having not existed. Who listens to the ravings of a madman and a liar? “What now, Solas? What will you destroy?”

He glares down at me, finally showing something other than pleased distance. “I will save the elven people, even if it means this world must die.”

“Fuck you!” I stand back up, moving into a battle stance. “What is your problem?! You’re going to _kill_ this world?!”

Solas closes his eyes for a second. “Sometimes terrible choices are all that remain.”

“Why bother stopping the Qunari if you just want everything to burn?!”

“I am not a monster. There is no benefit in allowing harm to come to innocents before it is necessary. And the Qunari offended me.” He shrugs.

He doesn’t think he’s a monster? Yep. Crazy.  “Lovely. I guess it’s good that she never lived to see you become this.” I know it will hurt him. At least, I hope it will.

My sister’s murderer, soon to try to be our world’s murderer, stiffens. “You should not talk about things which you do not understand.”

“You’re mistaken. I think I understand very well. You’re too much of a coward to actually deal with your actions. You killed her then so that you won’t have to worry about it now! Elaine would have _never_ allowed you to do this. Instead of owning up to the _monster_ that you are, you pretended that it was just better that she never knew.” I close in on him as I yell and he takes it. He just takes all of it without a word. When I’m finally close enough, I punch him square in the jaw.

Solas stumbles back a bit. “Violence. How entirely expected coming from you.”

“You’re lucky Cullen kept me from executing you.” I flex my hand to rid it of the sting from his face.

“Elaine would have been very disappointed in you.” He says flatly. “At least she is safe from all of this. I could not let her be spoiled by this ugliness.”

Presumptuous ass. “It wasn’t your choice to make!”

“I cannot say that I regret the results of my actions, but yes. I failed to respect her and in doing so I gravely harmed her. It is something I will always regret.” To be fair, he does sound rather down on himself.

My anchor starts to flare up again, I just can’t catch a break. Fuck this! “It’s getting worse.”

“Yes.”

Pain radiates through my body, making me scream again. The bout is longer this time. Tears cloud my vision.

“Ultimately, none but I could have borne the mark and lived.” He kneels down beside me and takes my hand into his. I can feel him pushing his awful magic into me. Maker, I hate him so much. The pain doesn’t stop. “Your death will only cause more senseless chaos, more bloodshed.”

“We will stop you.” I groan, voice cracking.

“I know you will try.” Solas looks back up at me, troubled. “I am sorry. It has been too long. There is little I can do for you now. You have a few days, at most, left to live.” His brows furrow deeper. “I am truly sorry, Elias. There is something that I can do, but I doubt you’ll thank me for it.”

The push of his magic is harder now. The anchor turns blue for a moment before settling back into its normal green. Ugh. I’ve come to think of this as normal. “I can’t help but notice that I’m still in excruciating pain!” I shout.

“You will see in time.” He pushes up from the ground. “Live well, Inquisitor.”

“She will never forgive you for this!” I mumble after him, my eminent death finally settling into my mind.

Solas stops. “I know.” He grabs ahold of the ring on his right hand. “There is a great deal that I do not deserve to be forgiven for.”

“Inquisitor!”

“Elias!”

“Quizzy!!!”

Cassandra, Dorian, and Sera are finally coming.

When I look back up Solas is gone. The Eluvian is still.

Everything becomes bits of darkness with moments of sanity after that.

* * *

“We have to find her.” Dorian says insistently.

I nod. “I’m not sure what he’s truly planning, but maybe she can stop him. If we fail, Thedas falls.”

“I don’t like this, but I will go. You can’t leave, Eli.” Cullen says softly as he paces by the side of my oversized bed. He’s right. More and more often I’m caught in the throes of pain.

I’m dying.

* * *

She rests her forehead against mine. Has she always been so warm? Oh that’s right, I’m dying. “Hey there, loser. Getting careless while I’m gone, I see.” Her shouting at Anders had already woken me. “I know you said you’d miss me if I ever left, but these are some great lengths, Eli.” Her eyes are twinkling with their familiar teasing.

I let out a small failed laugh. I’d hate for her too be sad, but I suppose there’s little I can do about it. Everything hurts. My body is constantly on fire. I wonder if this is how Andraste felt at the end. “You know I’d do anything for you, Lane.” I try to make her come closer.

She does without any words needing to be uttered. Suddenly, her magic; sweet and pure, flows around me, lifting the fog of pain. And for the first time in days: relief. I fall asleep, exhausted from simply trying to live.

Cullen and Lane’s voice slowly bring me back to consciousness. “Of course I will stay.” Cullen brushes his hand tenderly across her cheek. I missed something, but am rather happy about the results. She bends her head, melting into his touch. Good. This is what I wanted for her. I wanted her to be safe and loved by someone who I could trust...Who she could trust.

“Lane?” I mumble

“Yes, Eli.” She says, tense.

She must have taken away my pain by drawing it into herself. Silly girl. I love her so much. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Anything for you.” Her breaths stutter. She’s been crying. “I love you, Eli.”

I let her cradle me like a child. “I love you too, Lane. I wish we had more time together.” I wish I could better tell her of what Solas plans. I wish I knew more. I wish I had killed him!

Her lips gently kiss mine. “The time we had was spectacular. You are spectacular, I’ve never met a finer man.”

She has good taste. What can I say? “ _Once we were/In our peace with our lives assured. Once we were/Not afraid of the dark_.” My sweet sister sings, reminding me of happier times. In her love, I drift back to sleep. This time, perhaps for the final time, I feel at peace. 

* * *

I awake in the middle of the night. All pain is gone from my body…and there is a rift open in the middle of the room?

I must be dead.

This is it.

Something pulls at my soul and look to see that Elaine is awake, but still held tightly to Cullen.

The sight makes my heart full. Good.

“Come, Elaine.” I say, holding my hand out to her. She should see the glory of the Maker and his bride even if I can only show her for a moment.

My friends start yelling as they awaken to the sight.

When her hand touches mine, the rift engages, taking us into the beyond.

* * *

How did I get here? What the hell?!

I seem almost to be glowing. “Lane…I….I think I’m dead.” I say slowly, absorbing what has happened.

Her bottom lip quivers as she walks up and hugs me with all her strength. “I’m so sorry Eli. I wish I could have done something.

Poor little girl. “You did what you could. Thank you for coming back to me.” I hold her closer, resting my head on top of hers.

“I’ll kill him for what he did to you!” She shouts.

She has every right to be angry. Just….I worry about her getting herself hurt. I step back and hold her shoulders so that she has to look me in the eyes. “He is extremely powerful, Elaine. Don’t think that he won’t kill you to get his way.” She needs to fear him. He could easily destroy her. Honestly, I’m not sure that he would, but I can’t let myself take the chance. “You know, when he came back to Skyhold from Crestwood without you, I nearly beat him senseless” I should have killed him. “It took both Cassandra and Cullen holding me back. I was convinced that he had killed you. I mean, in some sense he did; you’d never be able to come back. I had lost you.”

Elaine crushes into me again. “You beat him up for me? That’s very nice if you.” She sounds like she’s going to cry. “I’ve missed you, Eli.”

Well, I can’t have her too upset. “I may have been dying, but I saw you and Cullen.” She turns an adorable shade of pink. “Have you finally come to your senses?”

She breaks into laugher, burying her face in my chest. “Yes, you were right the whole time, oh wise one.”

Of course I was right. “Good. I know he loves you. I’m leaving you in capable, yet gentle hands.” Maker knows that the man has been absolutely head over heels for her since he met her. If he wasn’t my close friend, I would have beat him off of her long ago. He is nothing, but devoted to those he loves.

She seems so young still. I hate to do this to her. But, I think she can figure this out. She can be the leader that they need….especially now that I’m gone….”It’s your turn, Elaine. Lead them. I trust that you will be best at striking against Fen’Harel; you know him best.”  And she does. She knows him better than any of us ever did.

“I won’t let you down.” She nods and starts to cry into my chest.

“Hush, Lane. I am at peace. Andraste awaits me. Be good. Take care of them and yourself.” I kiss the top of her head, thankful that I have family with me until the end. “I love you so much, Elaine. Thank you for being my little sister.” She will be fine. I have faith that she was brought to us for a reason.

It is in the Maker’s hands now.

“I love you too, Elias, my darling big brother.” She sobs incoherently.

I step away from her and try to give her a calm smile. All will be well. I walk toward the bright light in the distance. “I’ll see you around.” I wink and step through.

It feels like I fall for a small distance.

Everything stills.

Then I’m standing on a carpet?

A woman with bright red hair and green eyes looks back at me. Her eyes are wide with something….terror? awe? “E….Elias?” She sputters. “Are you Elias?”

“Yes.” I say, starting to get concerned. “Andraste?”

The mug in her hands shatters as it hits the ground. “Max!” She screams. “We have a guest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Teeheehee
> 
> And you were worried!? 
> 
> Also, Pixie, you basically called this as your personal headcannon for Elias. Well played! <3


	17. Hello Again

Soft feminine humming fills my ears.

I feel….surprisingly not like I’m dead….

Stranger things have happened to me I guess. Stranger things than living? Ugh. Just leave me alone.

I groan and open my eyes slowly. It’s far too bright wherever I am.

“Oh! You are awake!” A way too pleasant woman exclaims. “He’ll be so happy!”

“What?” I mumble, super confused about the giant green eyes staring at me. “Ed?! Where am I?!” I sit up in the bed a little too fast and fall a bit forward, amazingly dizzy.

The woman catches me. “You should rest. You are safe now!”

Angry! Dizzy. Tired. And Angry. “Where. Am. I?!”

She sighs and pats my head. “You are in Fen’harel’s stronghold. He brought you back here when you were hurt. I’ve never seen him so upset. …but, he loves you.” Her voice is so annoyingly happy.    

“He doesn’t.” I growl. Now that I’m alive, I can go back to being mad.

She forces me to lay back down. “He does. You wouldn’t be bound otherwise! If anything would happen to you it would shatter part of his soul.”

Yeah, so I’m like his horcrux or something.  Whore-crux… heh…

“Nope. Selfish. He just wanted to forcibly not be alone. You…” I mimic Cassandra’s sound of disgust. “I don’t even know who you are. I don’t have to talk to you.”

“I am Merrill. Varric told me you were stubborn, Elaine.” She laughs.

This is her! This is the person Fenris was trying to save! Varric’s friend! “ _You’re_ Merrill?” She nods. “Why are you still here?! You’re fighting against all of your friends! You’re letting Solas destroy your home! What is _wrong_ with you?!”

Merrill blinks a few times, considering. “This is the better way. He wants to restore what was. Our People will be free again. Did you know that I was right all along? About the Eluvians. Fen’harel listens. He cares. He will build us anew.”

“Is there some koolaid around here I should be avoiding?” I mumble flopping back into the pillows.

“I do not understand.”

“Good.”

She smiles at me. Which is super annoying. Why is she so nice?! “Now, you say here. I will go get you something to eat.”

As she leaves two women come in to help me bathe and get dressed. By help, I mean they were making sure I wouldn’t run away. They lead me to a huge tub and just kind of hang out near me to make sure I don’t drown or anything. I’m still pretty out of it. They put me in a periwinkle blue chiffon gown that almost seems to float around my feet. The straps are a copper metal that doesn’t feel cold, so it must be some weird magic.

I get sat at a vanity when Merrill comes back. She puts down some bread and fruits in front of me. “You should eat.” She says softly, more chill than before. “I am sorry that you were upset earlier. I should have been more patient.” I cross my arms and glare at her through the mirror. She smiles gently, “He specifically said that you’d enjoy the bread.” My glare intensifies. “He wishes to see you when he’s done with his current business….if you’d permit him.”

I roll my eyes and grab for a piece of bread. Yes, I am a weak, weak woman and bread is fantastic. “Like I have a choice? Aren’t I his prisoner now?”

Merrill considers it for a second. “No. You are here for your own safety, but he will not force you to do anything against your will.”

“So, then I can just leave?” I move to stand.

She pushes surprisingly hard down on my shoulders. “You are confined to your rooms for now.”

“So it’s a cushiony prison, but a prison all the same.” I pop a grape into my mouth and raise my eyes to hers. She’s clearly unhappy.

“May I?” Merrill asks, running a hand through my damp hair. I shrug, giving her permission.

I see movement in the mirror.

He strolls in, confidently, but hesitant at the same time. “Hello, Elaine.” Solas looks so different. He is armored and tall, his head is held higher, but his shoulders carry the same sad weight as before.

My heart clenches. I slam back from the vanity, pushing Merrill aside. “Murderer!” The chair topples over and I start to charge at him.

His eyes flash and my anchored hand flares up, blinding me with pain. I scream and fall to the ground. Tears cloud my eyes as all of his betrayals hit my heart at once. “What have you done to me?”

Solas kneels down in front of me, looking like all of this is hurting him as much as it’s hurting me. I flinch away from him. “The orb, the anchor, it was mine. I was too weak once I awakened to activate it. Your brother felt the entirety of my failure.”

“So you killed him!” I scream.

He sits back on his heels. “Elaine…”

“Get out.” I growl. He closes his eyes and lets out a breath. “Get out!” I scream.

He slowly stands back up. “When you wish for answers, I will be here.”

Merrill holds out her hands to me, helping me up. “Come, sit back down.”

I’m not sure what else to do, so I listen to her. She parts my hair and starts to French braid it. “I was the third in our clan to show signs of magic. Do you know what that means?” I shake my head. “I was traded at the next Arlathvenn. We can’t have too many mages, you see, makes it harder to hide from the Templars. Then, I lost one of my few friends to a Blighted eluvian. No one believed me when I finally put the pieces together. I thought if I put the eluvian back together, maybe I’d find Tamlen again.”

“Merrill, you don’t need to…”

 “No. You need to understand… _they_ need to understand.” She holds up a hand, silencing me. “Hawke tried to make me destroy the eluvian after everything we went through to put it back together. I didn’t. I knew I was right. No one believed me. One day, the mirror activated all on its own and a man stepped out. He said he was an agent of Fen’Harel and that they were creating a world where we could be safe. Where all mages could be safe. Where all elves could have sanctuary. He said that my knowledge of history, my tenacity, it would be a boon to the mission.” She ties the ends left from the braids into a little bun. “I went.”

I can’t stop looking at her, entranced by her pain. “Did you know that in some parts of Thedas it is completely legal to kill elves? We aren’t even people to them.” She sighs. “He doesn’t _want_ to destroy this world, Elaine. He wants to be proven wrong.” She turns me and crouches down a little so that our eyes are level. “ _Prove_ him wrong.”

My jaw drops a little at the request. Her eyes sparkle with delight. “When you wish to speak with him, you only need call his name. He’s waiting for you.” She takes one of my hands in hers. “If you see Varric, Anders, and Fenris before I do, tell them that I miss them.”

She gives my hand once final squeeze and walks out of the room. I drop my head into my arms….because everything is awful. I know that the elves have it bad that’s why I’m doing something about it! I know that the mages have it bad that is why Leliana is trying to do something about it.

This isn’t the way to do it.

Then it occurs to me. I don’t really know what it is that he’s trying to do….aside from destroy the world.

How?

I just don’t understand any of this. What happened to him? Was he always this way and I just never noticed? No. I wouldn’t have been able to love someone who was hell bent on destroying everything.

Or maybe I’m just the worst at making choices.

That sounds like me.

I stroll over to the balcony that juts out from my temporary prison and look out onto a lush forest. The wind whips the dress against my body. I’m not sure why, but the ring feels warm, almost like it’s his temperature cradling me.

“Solas.” I barely whisper his name. “Why?”

Then footsteps.

“That is a very vague question, Elaine.” Solas says coming to stand beside me.

I keep my eyes on the forest as the sun begins to bathe them in red. From the corner of my vision I can see that he only has eyes for me.

“Explain this to me, is there anything left to save?” I cross my arms and rub my hands over my biceps. The wind is starting to get to me.

“I do not wish to destroy this world, but it needs to be returned to its natural state.” He speaks slowly, like I’m stupid or something.

He is the one who is misunderstanding. “No, Solas, is there any of you left for me to save.”

Solas takes in a sharp breath. “I am not the monster you think me to be.”

I laugh bitterly. “You could have fooled me. You’re letting so many innocent people die. Is that the plan? Just wipe everyone off of Thedas that you don’t like? You always helped people….”

Slowly, he exhales. “I mean to tear down the Veil between worlds.”

I choke on air. “The Veil? Like the thing that keeps spirits on one side and us on the other?”

“The very same. I erected it to seal away the Evanuris, those people would call the ancient elven gods. Their power hungry madness needed to be stopped. But in doing so, I destroyed everything that the elves were. I took away their immortality. I took away everything.” At least he sounds sad?

“So, destroying everyone who isn’t an elf or mage-y enough is just a side benefit?” I growl balling my fists up.

His voice softens. “It is nothing like that.”

“Then what the hell is your army doing?!” I scream.

“Elias, the Inquisition, they were the most mobile force attempting to stop us. We began to establish a rhythm; vanish when pursued, harass when they become complacent, and finally strike when they are weak.” He pauses, putting his hands behind his back. “You were the weak link for us to hit.”

“But you failed.” I say smugly.

He smirks. “That remains to be seen. You are safe now and that was one of my chief concerns. Do not be so smug, _vhenan_.”

That word still pisses me off. My anger intensifies. “But that still doesn’t explain all of the refugees. You _clearly_ weren’t just targeting Inquisition forces.” I spin toward him pointing a finger.

He averts his eyes. “Yes, some of my forces had no interests beyond creating disruption. They would need to be repositioned or removed. I did not expect this to be an issue at the start, but rather after some improvements were made. I underestimated the resentment some had toward humans.” I frown. “Those responsible were dealt with.”

 “You underestimated many things, Solas.” My view of events is slowly crumbling.

“’Yes. I underestimated you as well.” He says quietly. “After I quit the field…”

“Wait, you retreated?” I choke. Solas is not one to give up.

“No, truly I was unnecessary on the battlefield. I took my leave when you were gravely injured and in need of care.” He frowns. “It was not supposed to happen this way. A number of my troops have not returned. I suspect you had something to do with that.”

I’m happy, but don’t really know what happened. “There have always been other ways, perhaps they just decided my way was better.”

“And what exactly is your way?”

“Celine and Alistair are both giving up land for the elves. The Inquisition means to help occupy it until we are sure the elves are safe. This will not be like it was before.”

“For what elves?”

“Any who want to be there.”

“Diplomatic solutions do not work, Elaine. I have already tried.” He says sadly. “It ended with the death of Mythal and the creation of a new religion instead of any actual change.”

“Wait. What?” I nearly shout. “What do you mean the creation of a new religion?” He can’t mean what I think he does. That’d be insane.

Solas smirks and tilts his head toward me, amused. “Who do you think led an uprising of elven slaves against Tevinter?”

“You’re kidding me, right? Mythal is Andraste? What does that make you, her Mabari?” I scoff.

“Shartan. I do not appreciate you assuming I am her animal companion.” He rolls his eyes in annoyance.

“Hey, if the shoe fits, wolf-man.” I chuckle, holding my hands out in defense.

“Elaine, did you think that tearing down the Veil, destroying the world, would be my first choice? No. I already saw my attempts fail. The hearts of men are fickle.” His voice is bitter, eyes hard.

I shove his shoulder with pent up frustration. “You lack follow through. You create the veil, then disappear and let the world be destroyed. You lead an uprising, then disappear and let them fall back into slavery. And now you think this is the only way. Stubborn bastard.”

He glares at me.

“I just call it like I see it, Fido.” I shrug, trying to hide my enjoyment of the new ways in which I can attack him.

Solas seems to hide a sad smile. “You are insufferable.”

“And you’re a genocidal maniac. I’d rather be annoying.”

His fists clench, but his face becomes stone. “You keep accusing me of things which are not the case. I was not the one who ordered innocents attacked. Tearing down the Veil was not my first plan of action, but my last. I do not wish for you to be my prisoner. All I want is for you to be safe and happy, Elaine. All I want for this world is to be what it was meant to be. Stop treating me like I am some monster.”

“You sent me back without any warning.” I say softly.

“I know. I am sorry.” His face becomes stricken. “This was not supposed to happen. You were supposed to be home. Safe. You were supposed to forget about me and then live happily for the rest of your years. I _must_ save this world and I cannot have you be hurt for my mistakes.” He twists his ring around with his thumb out of habit…just like me. In that moment, it’s almost like I can feel the pressure of his thumb against my own ringed finger. “I never intended to curse you with my love.”

The sadness with which he is describing the current state of himself…of us...breaks my heart again. He does still truly love me. He thinks this is how things have to be. He seriously doesn’t see any other way out. It’s not mania, it’s some sort of guilt or burden he has carried for who knows how long.

But there is one thing I will never forgive him for. “You killed my brother.”

Solas slowly shakes his head. “I did not desire to remove him, but by the time we met again it was too late. The anchor was killing him. It would have been a painful death. I did him a mercy. He can now be at peace.”

“You are not even sorry about it!” I growl.

“I did not enjoy Elias’s company, but hurting him hurts you and that is the last thing I desired!” He says loudly, then backs off. “Perhaps one day you will understand. You leadership may one day force you to make such a decision. I wonder what you will do.”

I start to move toward him to argue as an elf in armor rushes into the room, yelling to the balcony. “My Lord, the Inquisition and Ferelden are arriving.”

Solas looks confused. “It has only been a few days.”

The solider shakes his head. “They are using the eluvians.”

I guess some of the elves really did switch camps if we have access to his network. I want to smile, but the fact that there is about to be a fight. Right here. Right now. Is daunting.

“Secure the perimeter. Give no quarter.” Solas says authoritatively. “Elaine, I will ward you here. You’ll remain safe and out of combat.” The solider jogs away.

“Oh good.” I sigh, then deck Solas in the jaw. I don’t know. It seemed like a valid option. He doesn’t flinch, instead slowly turning his head back toward me with a deep frown. I don’t let his annoyance stop me. “I can’t let you do this, Solas.”

“Elaine there is no time for this.” He hisses, trying to move off of the balcony.

I grab his arm and pull him back. “Make time.”

“I do not wish to hurt you, but I will should you attempt to prevent me from accomplishing my mission.” His eyes are whirlpools of distress despite his calm outside.

My voice lowers with despair. “I’m stubborn, remember?” I close my eyes as I put up an ice wall between us and the door back to the room. I don’t want to see the look on his face as he realizes that I’m actually going to try to stop him.

“Elaine, please.” His strong façade cracks.

I steel myself. “Inquisitor, and no.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday! I'm so sorry this took me forever to post. It was so much dialogue and I wasn't super happy with it, ALSO it's the end of semester so, I'm swamped. 
> 
> Thank you for still being here with Elaine! We are in the home stretch of the story!!!


	18. Welcome Home

Solas stares at the ice wall between him and the room. “Your power pales in comparison to mine, Elaine. If you continue this, you will become a casualty in this war.” He raises a hand and melts the ice with ease.

I walk to stand between him and the doorway. “Then, I guess you’ll have to kill me, Solas.” My voice shakes. He might just actually do it. I’m giving him no choice. Well, really…he’s not giving me a choice.

He straightens and starts to look at me like the enemy, but behind his eyes I see pain. “I did not wish to do this to you, but Elaine, you will stop this. You will be seated on the bed until I tell you otherwise.”

I raise an eyebrow in confusion. “Um…nope.”

Solas frowns. “You should….It….The geas.” He pauses for a second, closing his eyes. “Blight.”

“What are you trying to do?” I glare at him, still blocking his way.

He shakes his head. “Mythal, the Well, you should have been compelled to comply, but the connection is not strong enough. I suspect it has something to do with how you were cured from the Blight sickness.”

I mean it makes sense, I guess. I had to be made a Warden in order to get the cure to work. Maybe something in the joining nullified the magic of the geas. Well, glad I decided to do that! Not that I really had any control over being infected and then trying to get rid of it…that was totally on Solana and Alistair and Anders, but yeah, still….good plain…“Wait, you were just going to try to _compel_ me to do something?! Have you always been this much of an ass? Solas, you have _never_ been able to _make_ me do anything.”

Solas’ face becomes stony. “I was trying to prevent you from making a mistake. I will always do whatever I must to protect you. Even if that means protecting you from myself.”

“Lovely.” I glare, “Well, looks like you’re just going to have to put on your big boy pants and try not to get beat up by a girl.” I’m really not hopeless. I could stop him for a bit at least…Maybe the Inquisition would show up? “Game on, Fen’harel.” I light my hands with mana. It’s showy and childish…but I like it. So he can deal.

He rolls his shoulders back and clasps his hands together in the small of his back. “Alright, _da’len_ , let’s see how well you have learned.” Solas lets a fireball float in his hand, a wistful somewhat playful look on his face, “Cast.”

Suddenly, a fireball is flying at me.

I smile sadly and throw a barrier around myself. “You’ll find I’ve much improved since then, old man.”

He throws another burst of fire at me.

It easily rolls off of my barrier. I don’t even flinch.

Solas smiles wolfishly at me and starts hurling all manner of projectiles at me, trying to break my wall.

“It won’t come down until I bring it down, Solas.” I sigh as if I’m bored and call down a large strike of lightening at him.

Of course, he blocks it like it’s nothing.  “That might have hurt.”

“That’s the point.” I roll my eyes. Honestly, I want to yell at him to stop playing with me, but really I’ll do anything to keep him occupied and in this room.

Then, he starts Fade stepping around the room. It’s not very close to me, but he could try to leave at any moment.

I bar the door with another wall of ice, then still myself, watching for a pattern.

Pull of mana, silence, pop of mana. I can _feel_ him moving. Just like the first time, I’m going to knock him on his ass. My eyes focus on a specific spot against the wall and I gather up a waiting stonefist. I mean, I figure that should work.

It does.

When he passes that spot, I let go of the pent up magic and a large stony fist smashes him back into the wall.

My prideful former lover goes flying back into the wall until he makes an “oof” sound. “You’ve been practicing.” He grumbles, getting back to his feet.

“I had a very good teacher,” I smile wryly, then immediately frown, “once…”

Solas hadn’t been _everything_ to me, but he was my heart…he still held part of it.

“Elaine, this is your final warning.” Solas growls.

“Good, because I’m getting tired of telling you that I’m going to stop you.” I bounce on my feet a bit, like I’m warming up…or whatever. “I _am_ going to stop you, Solas.”

He frowns, but it sort of looks like he’d rather be crying. “I know you will try.”

And so…we fight.

Or more like Solas stands there while I cast useless things into his barrier.

Well….that is until something weird happens….which, you know, I should expect by now. If I’m in Thedas and something can go wrong, it will.

A well of frustration pools inside of me and then in something like a huge energy exhale, I throw out a _huge_ cone of cold. It doesn’t hit his body, but it forms a sort of snow globe around his barrier. It would be adorable if it weren’t terrifying.

We both stare at each other in shock.

“How?” He blinks at me a few times like he is trying to understand puzzle.

I stare at my hands, “Honestly, I have no idea.”

Silence.

The two of us just stand that at something like an impasse.

His face falls even farther, “It is destabilizing.”

“What is?” If he could just be a little more specific that would be great, right?

“The Anchor.” Solas whispers like it hurts him to say, “You are even less suited to it than Elias.”

I rub my face with my hand, “Yes, we’ve established that you think I’m incompetent.”

“No, I…” he shakes his head, “you are anything, but incompetent. You are not of this world. You should _never_ have been given the anchor. Stop this. _Now_.”

I roll my eyes. Nice try, super old dude. “Stop making excuses and finish this!”

He looks conflicted…pained…and frighteningly still. He is planning.

A flash of sorrow, then his face is steel.

“If you will not cease drawing on the power of the anchor, then I am obliged to stop you. You will not end like Elias.”

I clench my jaw, “you mean, you won’t abruptly kill me as well?! What kind of sick promise is that?!”  Creepy, right?

He shakes his head and with far more speed than I ever thought was possible from someone….especially someone who was _so old_ he drops his barrier and with a flick of his wrist slams me down onto the ground.

My vision blurs as the force of the fall smacks my head on the ground.

“I am truly sorry,” his voice says with a combination of sorrow and frustration, “none of this was supposed to happen.”

He’s standing over me in the blink of an eye….or maybe I’m not super lucid. I dunno. One of the two.

“Solas….” I croak up at him, pleading.

He _literally_ just said he wasn’t going to kill me, so what is this nonsense?!

“Hush, _emma lath_ ,” he smiles sadly down at me, “when you wake, all will be as it should be.”

Solas pauses.

He’s just looking at my stunned, trapped, body.

And, of course, that’s when I start hearing yelling.

“Blow down the fucking door. I don’t care!” Ed’s muffled shout almost made me laugh.

It’s enough to pull Solas back into himself. His eyes focus and slowly the light starts to dim from my world.

Then, the fucking door blows down.

“Step away from the girl,” my brother growls

Solas looks up at the small war party and reaches down for me. I can feel him starting to pull the fade around us…his lips part.

The inhale that would have signaled his beginning to speak is cut off by the thud of two throwing daggers.

“Edwar—“ Dorian protests, shocked.

“No!” I scream as I am thrown into action.

A hilt protrudes from Solas’ heart and another from the center of his stomach. He drops to one knee.

No. not like this.

I wanted this to end but….

My heart is shattering.

I scramble to his side, “don’t move, I can help.” I guide him to lay in my lap.

He smiles weakly up at me as I pour healing into him, but there is so much blood pooling around the wounds; his teeth are even quickly tinging a pink color as it pools in his throat.

“My sweet heart,” he struggles to speak, “do not—“

Solas raises a hand to my cheek, “you are so beautiful…so loved…”

His eyes close and his breathing is incredibly shallow.

I shove more magic into him, “please, no.”

The Inquisition war party is standing stunned at the door.

Anders speaks first, “poisoned…” He shakes his head and rushes to kneel down beside me, “I can help.”

“Please,” I beg him, realizing tears are rolling down my cheeks.

He looks at me with a gentle reassurance, “lay him on the ground. Merrill and I will heal him.”

The small elven woman hurries over, crying all on her own. “Anything that I can do, I will.”

I’ve stabilized Solas enough that he won’t die immediately…but it takes some coaxing from Dorian for me to leave him during the healing.

Ed looks at me with concern that is probably about a number of things: why am I crying over the murderer? Why did I save the murderer? What the hell is my problem? What am I wearing?

“Little girl, he was trying to hurt you….I couldn’t…”

I understand.

I know how it looked. I know how it….he wasn’t trying to physically hurt me. Ed doesn’t know that. Ed doesn’t know any of it.

My acknowledgement of his explanation comes out as a little strangled squeak.

Edward gathers me into his arms and holds me as I sob. I cry for Solas…for myself…for Thedas…for Elias…for whatever happens next.

“You’re safe now,” Ed sooths me with calm words and protective hugs.

By the time I get my shit together, Anders and Merrill are done.

Solas is unconscious, but he’ll make a full recovery.

“What now, Inquisitor?” Dorian asks gently.

I look at him, confused.

“What are we going to do with him, Ellie?” Ed clarifies.

Fuck.

My mouth bobs open and closed a few times.

What _are_ we going to do with him?!

It’s my choice.

In this moment…I am the Inquisitor.

We can’t just leave him here. He is responsible for this war. He killed Eli. He kidnapped me. He…

“We will bring him back to Skyhold for judgement,” I say slowly with closed eyes.

I can’t do this alone.

I can’t hurt him or see him be hurt.

The warmth of my ring starts to return; Solas _is_ recovering. I spin it around my finger out of habit.

I know. Don’t judge me. Just…I still love him. I do. I don’t particularly _want_ to right now, but I do.

I’ll figure something out….

* * *

The trip back to Skyhold is a fast with one with help of the Eluvians.

My friends explained briefly what happened: we won.

Some were defeated.

Many gave up their arms and signed on to Fenris’ squads.

It worked.

Somehow it actually all worked!

I think Eli was orchestrating things from wherever he is.

Cullen is waiting in the courtyard of Skyhold, completely healed. He had been busy holding down the fort with all of the new recruits while everyone else came to get me.

Ed probably threatened him. Lovingly threatened him….

“Elaine!” He drops what he’s doing and runs over to us, pulling me into his arms and swinging me around in a little happy circle. “I was so worried. I love you. I love you so much. And I am so angry that you went out onto that field.”

I laugh weakly. I’m exhausted from everything and not the most fun. I just want to curl up in bed until it all stops hurting.

“I know,” I hug around his neck, “I’m sorry. I love you too. Also, remember when you got stabbed on the battlefield after I had the idea that you could just….not? Yep, I was totally right.”

He squeezes me and kisses my forehead.

“What matters is that we are both safe,” Cullen presses a soft kiss to my lips.

“We brought him back,” I blurt out.

Yeah, not the right time.

Well, no time would be the right time.

Cullen’s brow furrows.

“Solas. They’re putting him in a cell in the dungeon that will be heavily warded and guarded,” I continue.

Not that I think that the circumstances under which we hold him captive really matter. If he wants out, he’ll get out.

Trickster God.

It’s whatever.

A fire lights behind Cullen’s honey eyes. Quiet fury. “I see.” I mean, he has the right to be upset. Solas has been a huge jerkface to everyone and killed Elias and everyone had thought I was dead for a bit. Cullen has had a rough time of it and most recently it has been Solas’ fault…

I hold up one of my hands like a stop sign. “You can ask someone else to fill you in immediately if you’d like. I am going to take a bath and then sleep.”

“That’s it? You’re not going to say anything else,” Cullen scoffs in disbelief.

I nod and press the heels of my palms into my eyes. “We are both safe and that is what matters, right? I am far too tired to explain things well. In short: everyone found me. Ed took down Solas. I decided to bring him back here for judgement. Thedas deserves some form of justice. I love you, but I really can’t do this right now. Later I am… I’m so tired, Cullen.”

He lets out a long breath, trying to shove away his anger for the moment or something, “Alright, I’ll take you to bed and then have someone debrief me.”

“Thank you,” I sigh and melt into his arms again.

Cullen lifts me up into a cradle hold and starts to carry me to our room.

I’m asleep before we get to the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummmm Hi lovely people!!! I'm here again!! AND I have a chapter.  
> I got in a huge rut with Elaine that I couldn't really write around (I think it has to do with being so close to the end and not wanting to be done?) ANYWAY, after a hot mess of a semester and writing and defending my MA, I have time to actually be a person and hobby more than I have been able to recently.  
> Thank you so so so so sooooo much to everyone who commented while I was on unintentional hiatus about wanting more. The fact that anyone is still caring about this is amazing and I am so super sorry to have left it alone for so long!  
> You are the greatest and I really hope that I can can make you happy with this chapter <3 <3 <3


	19. Advising and Demands

He’s waiting for me in the Fade.

Solas is standing proudly in his Elvhenwear, completely looking unharmed.

I gasp his name in relief, “you’re…are you alright?!”

He smiles crookedly at me, “you have never doubted Anders before. It is best not to start. I am well…or I will be when I wake. “

“You could have _died_!” I inform him.

“Yes, I am aware. The poison cut off my connection to the Fade it was…uncomfortable.” Solas sighs. His carriage changes a little, deflating, and he pinches the bridge of his nose, “I _never_ wished for any harm to come to you.”

I shrug indifferently, “I’m perfectly fine. I’m asleep in my room. You are in the Inquisition dungeons.”

I sit down on the ground and look up at him, lost, “how did we get here?”

He sits down next to me, “I tried to make a better world and failed…multiple times. And in the midst of it, I found my heart. I seem to have a habit of making a mess of things, despite my best efforts to the contrary.”

“Solas…I…don’t know what to do now.” I mean, I know what I will have to do. I’ve always known, I just really _really_ haven’t wanted to. Max and Martin warned me months ago.

I cannot let a man who brought Thedas to its knees to survive this war.

“You will order my execution,” he says simply.

I turn and frown at him, “How can you say that so easily?”

Solas puts his hand palm up on his knee, offering it to me, “I have always been aware of what awaits me at the time of my failure.”

Hesitantly, I place my hand in his, “I still hate you at least a little.”

“As you should,” he nods.  

“You are responsible for so much death, Solas. I just…my hands are tied…there’s nothing else I can do. ‘Sorry, guys, but I liked him’ won’t fly.” I shift my hand so our fingers lace together, “I am so angry with you for putting this on me.”

“Among other things, I’m sure,” he shakes his head sadly. “I have repeatedly hurt you, _vhenan_. Causing you pain is something I truly regret. You must do this because you are a fair and just leader. I will accept any judgment that you pass down. If I am to finally find my peace, then I am grateful it will be at the hands of one I love so dearly.”

I whimper and rest my head on his shoulder, “it didn’t have to be like this.”

“I know,” he kisses my hair, “but this is the world we live in. The world that _you_ will make better.”

“I hope so.”

“It will not be worse than my attempts…” his voice sounds like he is at least smiling about how awful everything is.

None of this had to happen! He decided to kill all the people and Eli and lie to me! I can’t save him now! I mean, I _totally_ would have punished him for Eli. But…I love him. If he…part of me goes with him….

I sniffle, trying not to cry.

“The only desires I have are in your hands. I want a better world…and, with all of my heart, I want you to be happy,” he confesses as he runs his thumb along the back of my hand.

“You’re a mess,” a laugh/cry at him.

“ _Emma lath_ ,” he coos, “you need not mourn me. I not only deserve this fate, but I am well prepared for it. Some parts of me yearn for my struggle to end.”

Macabre.

“Stop it! You’re not helping!” I grumble, “this isn’t just okay or normal or whatever it is that you think it is! It’s not fair!”

Why am I always the only one freaking out!?

He scoots closer so that our legs are touching and rests his cheek on my head, “it never is, _vhenan_. Life may not be fair, but _you_ are. Your Inquisition will do better. I am at peace and feel nothing, but love for you. Please, _please_ do not place this blame on yourself.”

I move away so that I can look into his steely eyes. They are soft and just slightly wetter than normal…not crying, but not _not_ crying.

“Solas….I--“

Pain.

I cry out in pain as the mark flares up and casts daggers through my blood.

“Elaine!” He panics, a very pronounced desperation in his voice.

“It… _hurts_!” I hiss, holding my hand against my chest.

The Fade starts to break around me.

The last thing I hear before waking his him, “it’s starting.”

* * *

I wake in a cold sweat with my glowy hand lighting the room.

Fuck.

Zevran bursts into the room and takes up a stance that is completely calm….despite having just slammed my door open, “Oh…I see there are no assassins…well, one assassin.” He smirks and gestures to himself, but his eyes are trained on my hand.

I scream again as another wave of pain flows through my body.

Dorian and Anders run in next and share a horrified look.

“How long?” Anders asks as he comes to sit on the side of my bed.

“Not long, I think,” Zevran answers quickly, “one scream summoned me and now this one.”

Anders runs a cool hand along my cheek, “has this happened before, love?”

I shake my head and relax back onto the bed as the pain subsides. He is speaking to me in that really unsettling way that doctors do when they clearly know something is really messed up, but they don’t want to tell you….or run some more tests or whatever.

“New,” I manage to half laugh and push my face against his side.

“He’s here now…” Anders says to everyone except me, “maybe he can help.”

“Out of the question,” Dorian grumbles.

Anders runs his hand along my back in comforting patterns, “you’ve seen them together before. He would _at least_ point us in a direction to help her.”

“He abandoned his troops to care for her,” Zevran points out devoid of emotion.

_He_ is clearly Solas.

“He said it’s starting,” I whisper.

What’s starting?! Vague. Need more information. Always with the half truths. No one can speak plainly.

I hate it here.

The room becomes tensely silent.

“Fine,” Dorian sighs, defeated.

Anders helps me to my feet. Apparently, someone took off my dress and put me to bed in my underthings….Cullen. It’s very sweet if I weren’t waking up in a room full of people.

Dorian grabs me a lightly floral shift dress from my closet.

Thankfully, I’m allowed to dress myself.

The three men are basically my body guards as we make our way down to the dungeons to find Solas.

Angry voices greet us as we near the cells.

“You’re just scheming some way to get out of here,” Ed growls.

“I assure you, nothing would stop me from leaving, if I wished to,” Solas answers coolly.

…that is accurate…

Ed scoffs, “if you recall, Elaine is the only reason you are still alive.”

Anders mumbles something about how he was also part of that, thank you.

“Accurate,” Solas sighs, “regardless, she needs help _now_.”

Ed and Cullen are standing at the bars of Solas’ prison cell with matching scowls and crossed arms. There are assorted guards around too.

Solas is standing at the bars with his hands clasped behind his back. He does not look as well as he did in the Fade. He’s clearly been roughed up by the guards. His stunning armor is gone and he is wearing…burlap?....some uncomfortable fabric pants and shirt. No shoes, of course.

Despite everything, he still retains his strong composure….or generally steely exterior…dickishness…whichever you want to describe it as.

“Glad to see everyone is having a happy reunion,” I chirp sarcastically as we near them.

“How bad was it?” Solas asks me immediately.

Anders answers, “minimal, but…familiar.”

Cullen comes up and wraps his vest around my shoulders, “you were well when I left you…” I appreciate his trying to shield me from the cold, but really there are bigger things to worry about. Like what the hell is going on!?

I nod, “I woke up to the mark flaring.” I cross my arms and tilt out my hip in annoyance, “why is this familiar?”

Dorian runs a hand through his hair and has a look on his face that is something between fury and abject despair, “this is how it started with Elias.”

“Lovely.”

Ed is quickly picking up on what is happening. “Fix it or I’ll kill you,” he threatens Solas.

Solas holds out his hands through the bars, “Elaine, may I examine the mark?”

My brother doesn’t seem thrilled, but Cullen comforts him, “he stabilized Elias in the beginning of this whole ordeal. Perhaps he can do the same for her.”

“Thank you,” Solas nods gratefully to Cullen.

I go to Solas, resting my hand in his.

Blue-grey eyes cloud over with a light and I can feel him poking around with magic.

The fog clears and he is looking at me intently, “I can help some, but it will continue to worsen if she does not return to her own world.”

“I don’t trust you,” Ed says simply. You know, this isn’t really a gamble that I’m willing to make, the whole completely not trusting him thing. He’s literally the only person who knows what’s going on.   

Solas does not move his eyes from mine, “I can quell it for now. The glyph will fade over time. Make me aware of when the pain returns; it will help me understand at what rate the anchor is degrading.”

He gently drops my hand back to my side, making no attempts at familiarity….which is probably for the best. “How long?” I ask.

“Hopefully a fortnight at the least,” Solas explains past me to Anders and Dorian.

“And at its worst?” Dorian wonders hesitantly.

Solas’ brow quirks slightly in that sort of ‘at its worst we’re fucked’ kind of way, but doesn’t _say_ anything.

“Delightful,” I sigh and flex my glowy hand.

Cullen holds his arm out of the side, beckoning me to slide in against him.

I give Solas a sheepish smile, “thank you. I will make sure you are informed.”

“Inquisitor,” he nods his head at me in an approving dismissal, but I can see a pain in his eyes.

It hurts my heart to feel a sense of calm and safety beside Cullen with Solas watching.

I mean…there are very legitimate reasons to not care or to, you know, not still love the ancient warlord.

I know.

Don’t judge me.

I am doing plenty of that on my own.

Cullen’s arm comes down on my hip and it’s sort of past being protective and into being possessive. It makes me feel icky, but then he gently cups my cheek and lifts my face so I’m looking into his eyes.

“Are you feeling better? I am terribly sorry I was not there for you when you woke,” his eyes glitter with adoration and it makes my heart flutter.

I place my palm on his chest both as reassurance and as a way to sort of keep some distance between us out of respect for Solas…and Ed… “You were busy and I’m fine.”

Anders is quietly speaking with Solas; the few words I can make out are about the mark or me. Whatever they are discussing it’s tame enough that Ed hasn’t jumped on them. Dorian is begrudgingly participating as well.

“Ellie,” Ed breaks me out of my observation, “the advisers want to meet with you as soon as possible.”

I cringe. I knew this was coming. I have to make some decision about what to do with Solas. Thankfully he already decided what I should do. Ass. Self-hating jerk. Making me play executioner.

Cullen starts to lead me away.

“It’s alright, Inquisitor…Elaine. All will be well,” Solas’ calm voice soothes me.

Ed pauses, considering Solas thoughtfully…if still angrily.

Josephine and Zevran are waiting for us in the War Room.

“He hasn’t made any demands,” Ed informs the room.

“You think it strange?” the sexual spy watches my brother.

Ed bites at his bottom lip, “I expected _something_ from an ego-maniacal mass murderer.”

I rub my forehead, “Solas and I came to an understanding before—“

“He’s just using you, darling,” Cullen reasons sympathetically. Yes, it _would_ be much easier for the Commander if Solas had always just been using me and that there wasn’t any actual feeling between us.

Angry.

I continue massaging my temples, “we can judge that in time. There are other matters to attend to.” My voice is tense, if tired.

Ed’s brow raises, but he remains silent. I’m sure he is curious as to what sort of blow up I’m about to have. He deals with my temper in the same way Solas does: let me do my yelling and then discuss.

Joke is on him because I don’t plan on yelling.

I don’t have the energy for it right now.

Otherwise, maybe.

Or not…just to spite him.

Cullen, however, keeps speaking, “You are vulnerable to him, Elaine. There is a reason you have a council here to aid you. We can see things that you don’t.”

“That is why you advise, yes?” I glare daggers at him and gesture to his usual position on the other side of the table, “Please, _Commander_ , join your peers and explain the situation to me.”

He can play the adviser card whenever he wants, but it will be played from somewhere other than beside me. Either he is there to support me as my lover _or_ as my Commander. If there is a middle ground we haven’t found it yet.

Cullen’s brow furrows, but he goes to the other side of the map. His voice takes on a businesslike tone, “Fen’harel’s armies have all either disappeared or turned sides. The war is handled. The enemy leader is in the dungeons, heavily guarded, and awaiting word of your judgement.”

“Orlais and Ferelden await your word to begin helping the occupation of the new Elven nation,” Josephine smiles pleasantly at me. She’s such a sweetheart and damn good at her job. Her agreeableness melts away my annoyance with Cullen.  

 “There are no signs that anyone is moving against us as a result of this. In fact, it has greatly increased our standing in Thedas. You have proved yourself as a competent leader, _bella donna_ , not that I have ever believed anything else,” Zevran bows his head amiably. I do not miss the little smirk he shoots at Cullen.

Ed taps on the table, “Ellie is showing signs of the foreign magic in her degrading. Situation is developing slowly.”

“Hopefully,” I mumble.

I take a deep breath and nod, “thank you, everyone for your updates. I am feeling well. Now, the question is what is to become of our prisoner.”

“The people call for his execution,” Cullen says sternly.

Josie presses her pen to her lips, “if it were beneficial to us, I am sure we could find some way of transporting him to another location and feign his death.”  

My eyes widen and I look at her with surprise, “I…no…let’s not do that…”

“He is responsible for the death of the previous Inquisitor,” Zevran adds.

I nod, “I’m not arguing against the execution.” I feel defeated, “It is necessary. He can’t be freed or pardoned. Solas was our friend, but he greatly harmed Thedas. So…we are agreed.”

“Do it privately,” Ed says softly, glancing at me with understanding eyes. An implied ‘for your own sake’ is at the end of his words.

“A public event could be coopted by interested parties,” Zevran contributes casually.

“Or become violent,” Cullen sighs.

Josephine jots down something on her clipboard, “I will set a date.”

Cullen shakes his head, “no. Not yet. We can’t kill him until Elaine is safe. He’s the only one who has ever been able to influence the anchor.”

I press my palms into my eyes, “we will have him collaborate with Dagna and Anders and Dorian. Hopefully the three of them can come up with a solution and we can be done with all of this.”

“What if he uses this as a bargaining chip?” Josie worries, “that he will not help the Inquisitor unless we meet his demands.”

“His nonexistent demands?” Ed scoffs, “well, he’ll die either way. The only question is whether or not he’d take Ellie down with him.”

The room shifts uncomfortably. We all know the answer to that question.

He wouldn’t.

The only constant thing Solas has done in the time that I have known him was to protect me from harm.

….and now I’m going to kill him.

Great, right?!

I hate it here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiii! So, I'm thinking 3-4 chapters left (for real this time) Hooray!!! Thank you for everyone who is still reading and back with Elaine! I hope that you had a great week (2 weeks?)!


	20. Final Judgement

My first judgement.

Oh boy.

I get dressed up in an overly regal dress and promptly just sit on my bed and stare at the wall.

“It is not an easy burden to carry,” Cullen says quietly. His armor clatters a little as he sits beside me, “I know you were…close…” he sighs and fidgets with a one of his temperamental curls, “together. You were together and he betrayed you…betrayed all of us. He deserves his fate. I am only sorry that _you_ must be the one to bare the news.”

I rest my head on his shoulder and frown, “I never imagined any of this for my life…obviously not the whole Thedas thing, but inside of that particular impossibility I mean being Inquisitor.”

Cullen kisses my hair and takes my hand both of his, “you are doing a good job, my heart. Truly. As your Commander I lend you my voice…whether or not you listen to it. I may not agree with all of your methods, but,” he kisses my fingertips, “you saw me for more than I ever did. I find it unreasonable to disapprove of your gentle heart when it benefitted me so greatly.”

“You,” I point out, “are not Solas. You can like how I behave for you without wanting me to be that person for others. And…I’m most certainly not being gentle now.”

“No, you are being a leader and doing what must be done. It is not an unfair punishment. It is justice. You are not _happy_ with what lays ahead, in fact, I’d be worried if you were.”

My eyes shut tightly like if I open them I’ll wake up and none of this will be happening, “I wish there was another way. There _has_ to be some other way that we just don’t see.”

Cullen sighs heavily, “there is not.”

I groan and stand up abruptly.

My stomach is doing flips and I feel like I’ll either throw up or cry any second.

“Elaine,” Cullen calls my name, concerned.

I think of Solas in the burlap in the dark dungeons….awaiting his execution.

“At least give him back his armor for the judgment,” I whisper around the lump in my throat. He will at least be allowed to look something like a threat when this happens.

Cullen nods, “I’ll go down and tell the guards…unless… I can send someone else to do it if you’d like me to stay with you.”

“No, I trust you more than anyone else. You’ll at least be kind about it.” I cross my arms and rock back and forth on my heels, “And…I need a few minutes alone before showtime.”

He wraps me in his arms, “you are doing what is expected of you. If you did not, then the people would turn on you. I love you. This does not change who you are.”

Yes, I _have_ killed people before. Thank you, Cullen, for the reminder. Yes, I know that isn’t what he meant.

“I love you too. I’ll be down in a few minutes to be announced and seated or whatever bullshit this demands.”

Cullen presses his lips together, but with a kiss to my forehead he goes out the door.

I pace around my room, even hopping a bit….anything to make me calm down.

“What great mess did you get yourself into, little girl?” Ed sighs from the middle of the room.

“Jesus! Stop that, spy man! Knock like a normal person!” I shout in surprise.

Really, I shouldn’t be surprised by things like this anymore….

His eyes dart around my face, “you said that you’d kill him with such certainty before you came back here.”

“I did. If you didn’t remember, I _am_ killing him now as well,” I cross my arms and sit down at my vanity.

“You love him,” Ed assesses me with just a slight air of disbelief, “still.”

I look at him through the mirror, “don’t lecture me.”

“I’m not.” He takes a few steps closer to me, “I’m worried about you. Not just because of the mark, but all of this.”

“I’ve told you repeatedly that I’m dangerous here. I’m trying to come up with something else, but…at the very least it’ll be as kind of a death as possible. Gods, I hate this.” I hate myself. I hate Solas. I hate Thedas.

Everything is the worst.

He nods slowly, like some understanding is being solidified inside of him. “How is the Commander?”

“Fine. Ready for me to get this over with,” my fingers dance along the table in front of me. “He doesn’t like it when I’m upset…” I know that isn’t what he means, but that’s all he is getting out of me. Cullen isn’t an idiot. He knows that I still have lingering feelings for Solas.

Ed puts a hand on my shoulder, “And you’re feeling like your hand is something close to a normal hand as possible?”

“Yes, Solas wasn’t lying when he was saying that he’d help me,” I lean back against his hip.

“I know,” Ed answers sympathetically.

He glances at the door, “we should get you downstairs.”

Cullen is waiting at the entrance to the great hall. “Whenever you are ready, we begin,” he explains gently.

I wrap myself around his waist like I can somehow take refuge from the world there. He holds me tightly and then pulls me up for a reassuring kiss.

“Okay,” I roll my neck around.

He opens the door, “Inquisitor Elaine Trevelyan has arrived to judge the prisoner!”

I whimper.

Ed must hear me because he reassures me with a swipe of his hand along my shoulder blade.

My shoulders roll back and I allow Cullen to escort me up the stairs to my throne.

Josephine is waiting at the side of the dais and gives me a little smile.

“For judgement this day, Inquisitor. I must present Fen’harel, formerly known to us as Solas. His crimes are….many.”

The doors open and Solas is escorted by a full guard to stand in front of me. He is _not_ in his full armor, but instead in nicer linen trousers and tunic. He is shackled and warded. My….friend?...love?...my Solas is looking as calm and scholarly as ever, even with a slightly bruised face and being surrounded by people who are calling for his head.

Josie continues, “He is charged with the murder of Inquisitor Elias Trevelyan as well with being the instigator of the elven war against Thedas. He commanded the many deaths of civilians and our militia. Many would see him killed: Ferelden, Orlais, the list goes on.”

…but he didn’t. Well, he did kill Elias and was in charge, but he didn’t kill civilians. He never ordered it. He seemed truly sorry for it.

I mean, I know I’m splitting hairs…and this definitely wasn’t the time.

“Solas,” I say with more power than I had expected from myself. My voice is only slightly wavering, “what do you say to these charges?”

He remains placid, “I submit myself to your judgement. It is your brother that I removed and your organization that I infiltrated. You rightfully defeated me. Inquisitor, you have shown far more wisdom than I had anticipated and proved a better visionary than myself.”

Leave it to Solas to be maneuvering people with his own lack of defense. We had discussed what would happen, so it’s not like this is a surprise, but seriously?!

“That’s….not a word of apology or request for leniency?” I ask almost hopefully.

Solas shakes his head, “I do not deserve leniency. As for apology: I am sorry to those I hurt, but I am not sorry for my attempt to make this better for my people.”

“Very well,” I sit up straighter in my needlessly large chair. It feels like I can’t breathe. He’s standing there…waiting…knowing what is coming. Solas half smiles at me and nods encouragement. “I have no choice, but to order your execution. Your crimes are too great for any other punishment to be acceptable. My hands are tied.”

The crowd cheers.

I hate people.

I hold up a hand to silence them. “You were once our friend and confidant. You helped us defeat Coryphaeus and save the world. For this, your death will occur away from the public eye. The people will be notified once the deed is already done.”

“Thank you, Inquisitor,” he bows.

“We’re done here,” I confirm, standing and making my way out of the hall quickly.

As soon as the door closes behind me I dissolve into tears. Ed catches me as my legs stop working so that I don’t hit the ground.

“Hush, _bella donna_ ,” Zevran hugs around my back.

So, I’m sandwiched between two assassins….in a hallway…in a fairytale land…completely a mess.

“We have to go inform Solas of the entirety of our plans soon, Ellie,” Ed coos.

“It is not yet over,” Zevran adds.

No. It’s not, but I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

Once I’ve stopped ugly crying, we make sure I’m looking fine and head down to the dungeons.

Cullen and Solas are talking, their discussion wafting toward us. Really, people should realize this place carries noise like crazy. I mean, also, who the hell tries to have a private conversation down here. They probably don’t think I’ll show up…statistically it’s unlikely that of all the people coming and going down here that the footsteps are mine and not some random soldier’s.

“Yes, you will make Elaine well, or you will be executed,” Cullen states.

Solas pauses, “…what?”

“Either you fix her and you then die, or you will both die. You deserve far worse than this, but she is innocent. If you don’t—“

“I told you all, she needs to be sent back to her world.” His voice is tinged with annoyance.

Cullen’s armor creeks, “are you saying that you will _let_ her die?!”

“I am saying that any interventions I have are only temporary. She is not of this world, Commander. Magic does not react properly with her spirit.”

I hold up my hands to stop Zevran and Ed from moving further.

I want to hear more. I _need_ to hear this.

They stop. I tap Zevran’s chest and gesture for him to continue.

He smirks in approval and goes on his merry way with a fantastic sway of his hips.

God, he is attractive.

Damn it, Ed!

I’m still not jealous!

Shut up!

Anyway…

“You are a selfish bastard,” Cullen chuckles darkly, “you can’t have her, so now you’d rather she die or be sent away from the rest of us.”

“We have had this conversation before. If I did not care for her more than I cared for my own well-being, she would have already been eliminated,” Solas answers coolly.

It makes my skin crawl.

Thankfully, the psychopath loves me else I’d be dead?

My life choices are so amazingly questionable. I know.

“Will you at least _try_ to fix her?” Zevran enters the conversation smoothly.

“Of course,” Solas says with open honesty.

The assassin makes a little “hm” sound, “had I fully understood this weakness, we could have ended this much earlier.”

“If _you_ threatened her, then I would not have interfered.  I had a mission and she would not be harmed by me or my people for it. If you turned on her, then that responsibility would be entirely yours,” Solas challenges.

I look up at Ed with ‘what the fuck!?’ written on my features.

He waves a hand in dismissal.

“That is beside the point. Elaine needs more help than I can give. I will do whatever I must to see her safe again,” Solas continues.

“Good,” Zevran says slowly.

Cullen is silent.

I motion to Ed for us to go forward.

“Oh!” I say in surprise, “I was coming to tell you the actual conditions of your execution, but I see I was too slow…”

“Elaine,” Cullen greets me with a somewhat guilty look on his face.

I cross my arms and look at Solas, “I ordered them to allow you to wear your armor. You were not.”

He tilts his head, intrigued, “Why?”

“I didn’t want you to have to look like some vagrant while you were being judged,” I grumble.

Solas’ eyes crinkle with amusement, “your commander offered my armor to me, but I refused. I wished to be judged as myself and not as Fen’harel. Cullen found some nicer clothes for me instead. I assume he did not wish to upset you.”

I smile at Cullen. Well done, Commander.

“Fine. Stubborn,” I frown at Solas.

“I do not understand why I am being kept alive if my understanding of the anchor is going to be ignored,” Solas scans the faces of the three men behind me.

Cullen makes some sound of frustration, “We have no reason to think you are telling the truth.”

“It could be some plot…” Zevran half-heartedly adds “but I am unsure how you benefit from it at this point. Too many options.” 

“I am unsure what to think,” Ed says with a strange firmness. “I know little of you beside what Ellie has told me.”

I hold up a hand to stop them from speaking. “Enough. The anchor progressively gets worse. Either it will get better with your help or it won’t. Any judgement of sending me home can be made at a later time.”

“Elaine,” Solas implores me, “I do not know what this will do to you. It may not be as slow a progression as it was for Elias. Please, do not risk this.”

I rub my forehead, trying to make the headache go away that is starting to creep into my mind. “You will start meeting with Dagna to attempt to come up with some solution. Raleigh can be some of your company.”

Cullen grumbles something under his breath.

We are still pointedly not discussing the fact that I didn’t execute Samson…and didn’t tell Cullen about um….anything regarding him…

“I will do my best,” Solas answers with a certainty that strikes me as concerning. He had just been as close to desperate as I had seen in a long time and now…nothing.

I step closer to the bars of his cell and speak quietly, “Solas…I…I don’t know how to trust you again. I’m not sure that you are lying, but I’m also not positive that you aren’t telling a half-truth for your own benefit. I’m sorry. I really am.”

He takes in a sharp breath and looks stricken for a moment. Then, as ever, he steels himself, “I understand, Inquisitor.”

“That’s unnecessary,” I sadly protest, “I am being honest with you. You can’t fault me for it.”

“I will endeavor to win back your good opinion,” Solas promises.

I smile at the sheer insanity of all of this and laugh a little, “It would be helpful, honestly. So, hop to it.”

Solas smiles softly, “I will save you, Elaine. I swear it.”

His sincerity pulls at my heart. I want him to be telling the truth. I want him to care what happens to me just because it’s me.

“Elaine,” Cullen says abruptly, “you have a dinner meeting with representatives from Orlais and Ferelden. We should go get changed.”

“Oh…I…yes. Thank you, Cullen.” I give Solas a last look and a somewhat naughty idea pops into my mind. “If you mean to make good on your promises, you know where to find me.”

Let’s see if I find a wolf in my dreams tonight…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Update day!!!  
> I am going to try really hard to finish this before I start semester. I have 3 more chapters done and waiting to be edited and then probably 2 left to write? I apparently lied when I said there would be 3-4 left. My bad! Anyway, I'll probably be posting relatively frequently. Ideally, twice a week until it is done. So, YAY!  
> I hope you are enjoying!!! <3 You're my favorite!!! I hope you have had a good week!!


	21. More Awkward

That night Cullen and I curl up in bed after a long, long day.

I can see that he has a headache. “You’re not feeling well,” I inform him…because I’m helpful.

He grimaces.

“Do you want me to help?” I run my hand along his hair and wait for an answer.

Cullen is silent.

I’ve been trying to be more aware of the whole magic thing around him since he told me that I make him feel…uncomfortable? Nervous? Scared? Appalled?....now that the anchor is a thing. Or well…that my magic makes him feel that way. But really my magic and me are sort of inseparable….ugh.

He looks amazingly uncomfortable. In his eyes, I can see him begging silently for understanding.

I try to smile softly, but I’m pretty sure I look rather sad.

“It’s okay. I can help some other way, maybe? Do you want some water or a healing potion?” I kiss his forehead.

He lets out a long breath and seems to relax, “I’ll be fine. Thank you, though.”

Cullen pulls me to him, resting his head on my shoulder and holding me in that almost teddy bear like way around my middle. 

I have what I think is a brilliant idea and summon over his Chant of Light book.

He winces at the feel of my magic.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I didn’t want to move you after all the settling in.”

He places a gentle kiss against my jaw as a quiet apology.

It makes me feel horrible.

“I thought I could read to you. I know you have it all memorized, but maybe it will help you focus on something other than your head?” I offer, showing him the book.

“Can’t make it worse,” He snuggles closer again. “You are too good to me.”

I kiss his hair, “Nonsense.”

“There was no word, For heaven or for earth, for sea or sky. All that existed was silence….”

I am not certain where in the book I fell asleep, but I become aware that while I’m still reading, I’m resting in the plush grasses of that familiar clearing in the Fade.

Interesting.

I sit up and see a large wolf pacing on the outskirts of the woods.

“I _said_ you could come here and see me! You were here as a person the other night,” I shake my head at him. “What are you doing?”

The wolf whimpers and drags himself forward, hanging his head.

“You look pitiful,” I scold with an unintentional smile.

This whole things is absolutely insane.

He moves closer, but keeps a body length away from me.

“Seriously? Is this because of this afternoon? Was that some test? Was I supposed to do something else?! Are you seriously upset with me?” I ramble.

The wolf whimpers again, then huffs in annoyance and comes over to bash his large head into my hip.

“This would be much easier if you just, you know, decided to be a person right now,” I run a hand along his head. “I will start talking to you like you’re a puppy again. I’ll do it. I swear.”

He looks up and me, and I swear I see his little doggy eyebrow raise in a challenge.

“Awww who’s a good dog!” I say in a baby voice, “You are! Widdle puppy! Sweet, handsome boy.” I hold out my hand to him, “Shake, boy!”

In front of me is the least amused animal I have ever seen in my life.

I pick up a stick and toss it, “get it! Fetch, puppy!”

He shoves his large body into my side, toppling me to the ground.

“Rude.”

The wolf buries his head in my stomach and whimpers again.

“I don’t know what you want from me,” I roll my eyes and pat his neck. “You have to use your words.”

He shakes his head, then tilts it to the side.

His tail thumps once and then he stands.

The wolf _prances_ toward the far edge of the clearing and then stands there waiting for me.

“You. Are. A. Mess.”

I follow him…because why not.

We quickly come upon some Fade ruins of an old city. It is beautiful!

Dog Solas barks and me and then scampers down what must have been a street. So, I go down there too.

We spend the night running through the place.

For the next two weeks, the wolf meets me in dreams and we explore together.

It is an escape from the increasing pressure of being Inquisitor.

In the light, I orchestrate the movement of large groups of elves into their new homeland, which is a complete nightmare. Apparently no one can be reasonable or friendly. I spar with Dorian and Zevran teaches me daggers…Ed insists on helping as well. I think it might be an excuse for him to touch Zevran in front of me because he is the worst.

Cullen won’t come by when I’m working with Dorian.

He actually got injured running drills one afternoon and instead of allowing me to help he went to Stitches.

It’s…distressing.

I understand.

I try not to take it personally, but….it hurts.

In the night, I am free to explore and laugh and not worry about what people think of me. Solas really has no room to judge anything I do. He tried to destroy the world. I’m just a bit of a spaz.

Anyway, I am super tired of dog boy.

He is in the middle of the clearing waiting for me.

“No,” I say firmly. “I’m not doing this again. I want to be able to speak to you and actually hear a response. This isn’t fair to me, Solas.”

His head flops to the side. Trying to see if I’m serious, probably.

I raise my brows, “Solas. Come back and be my friend. Not my animal companion.”

He whimpers again.

But, the Fade flashes around him for a second and the normal, hobo, Solas is standing in front of me.

“Thank you,” I smile, taking him in. Seeing him as I remember him.

He lowers his eyes to the ground, “I was trying to start anew. You wanted me to prove trustworthy again and things are…easier for me in the Fade. I did not want to somehow offend you or be too free with our former familiarity.”

“So this was some twisted self-flagellation?” I clarify.

Solas looks up abruptly, “It was out of respect for you.”

“After I asked you multiple times to _not_ be doing it?”

“I…” Solas shakes his head.

“Stop making choices for me,” I warn. “You have a really shitty record with the whole decision making thing.”

He narrows his eyes, “That is one way to phrase it.”

I shrug innocently. My heart flutters; I’ve missed him.

I hold out a hand to him, “Come on, wolfy. Have a place for us to explore?”

He looks at my outstretched hand like it is some sort of gift, then looks up at me with those expressive, stormy eyes.

After being stuck for that moment, he holds my smaller hand and smiles, “I do wish you would refrain from calling me that.”

“Is Fido better?”

“I am not aware of what that allusion is to, but I am sure it references some sort of canid.”

“Yep!”

“Then no. It is not better.”

I laugh and give his hand a squeeze, “Okay, ancient elven god, Fen’harel, where to?”

He starts walking and sighs a long suffering sigh, “That is even less desirable than the dog names.”

We go back to the ruins from the first night, but now he forms them into their former glory. A large city, twinkling with floating lights.

I squeal with excitement, “This is _amazing_! I will never get tired of seeing things like this.”

Solas looks at me with gentle admiration.

“Oh! I want to go look at that fountain!” I rush off toward the center of the town.

He gives me some space, but follows closely.

The fountain defies physics. It _must_ be as tall as a building. Elvhenan was spectacular.

I turn around to look at him and beam…then the world starts to look more green than usual.

My hand tingles.

Odd.

A sting starts at my palm and starts to work its way up my arm.

“Wha—“

Solas’ eyes grow wide, “It has only been a fortnight. No. It…so quickly?”

The edges of my vision blur as a wave of searing pain courses through my body.

I scream.

He catches me as my legs give out.

It _hurts_.

Why aren’t I waking up?!

“Solas….I….” I cringe and close my eyes, tears drip down my cheeks.

“The Fade is acting as a sort of suctioning force….” His eyes harden, “Elaine, wake up.”

My eyes shoot open to see Cullen’s terrified face.

“Thank the Maker,” he cradles my cheek. “I couldn’t wake you.”

Anders has my hand in his and is pushing in some sort of healing. “Good morning, love.” He smiles, but the sun isn’t even rising yet and Anders is in his pajamas.

“Morning. That was…unpleasant,” I groan. Another smaller burst of pain hits and I cringe. It isn’t as bad as the first ones….I guess whatever Anders was doing is helping with the agonizing throbbing.

I sigh and sit up, “Well, time to go see the wolf man.”

I’m sure Solas is down there worried and very awake already.

Cullen looks more than hesitant.

“He’s the only one that knows what’s going on,” I sigh in defeat.

Anders nods and grabs my robe from a little hanger on the wall beside the bed.

At least one of us is learning. I would have gone down in my shift. Again. And been super cold. Again.

Cullen throws on a shirt and comes down with us.

As expected, Solas is standing in his cell waiting for us.

He holds out his hands for me and I give him mine without us having to say anything.

“Two weeks,” he murmurs and shakes his head. “Elaine, please listen to me. Two weeks ago this had only happened to you once in all the months you had the anchor. Months. Weeks. It is destabilizing at a faster rate than I had ever expected. You need to go home.”

“The last time you sent me home it was so that I wouldn’t be a problem when you tried to take over Thedas,” I point out matter-of-factly.

His brows knit together, “I am aware. It was unfair to you. That is why I am insisting _you_ send _yourself_ home this time instead of just doing it myself.”

Anders interrupts, “she wouldn’t wake up.”

“I am aware,” Solas presses his lips together. “I will teach both you and Dorian how to find her in the Fade and break her dreams. This is…a complication. It is as if the Fade is trying to pull her back to her own realm.”

I wince at the look of suspicion on Cullen’s face. How did Solas know I couldn’t wake up? Hopefully he will just think it’s an anchor thing…but Cullen knows that Solas can visit me in dreams.

Oops.

“You are implying that if Elaine does not send herself back, that she might be lost to the Fade?” Cullen puts a protective hand on the middle of my back.

“I do not know if it will send her home or if it will claim her instead,” Solas speculates as he finishes drawing the glyph on my palm.

I look up at Cullen, “That’s what it did to Eli…”

He kisses the top of my head, “We won’t let that happen to you, my heart.”

Solas lets go of my hand and pointedly looks at Anders instead of Cullen and me. “If you do not do as I say it is what _will_ happen. If you recall, I am to be put to death. You will wait and then she will be taken and there will be nothing I can do about it. Then you will kill me, but she will be lost anyway.” 

“ _She_ will make that choice for herself,” I announce. “I have heard you, Solas, but I don’t…I’m still not sure. So, I’m going to wait. Maybe this was an anomaly. You don’t know that it isn’t; you just assume it’s getting worse. With you and Anders and Dorian making sure I don’t get stuck in dreams, then things will be better….maybe. Otherwise I’ll just start taking draughts to not sleep.”

“You can’t stop sleeping,” Cullen protests.

“It is likely only by chance that the flares have occurred while she was sleeping,” Solas reassures him.

Anders shakes his head, “The Fade could be influencing the anchor in some way.”

“It is possible,” Solas says.

I shake my head. This is unhelpful. I already told them what I was going to do. The end.

“Gentlemen, I made my decision. Solas, are you good to do some work with Anders?” I ask.

“I cannot say I have any pressing appointments,” Solas’ eyebrow twitches. He is not happy with me.

Oh well.

“Okay good. I’ll send Dorian down and make sure that the kitchens send down some breakfast for all of you. Cullen, I know you’ll have morning rounds soon. I would like to go wallow in the tub. Any objections?”

They all just look at me.

“Lovely. See you all later.” And I turn on my heel and start walking out of the dungeons.

I am tired of this conversation.

“Elaine, we are just trying to help you.” Cullen and his long legs catch up to me in a few steps.

“I already said what I’m going to do.”

He tucks me to his side with a strong arm, “I know. We just worry about you. Solas is unreliable and the key to keeping you safe. It is rather undesirable.”

“I’m not thrilled about it either,” I rest my head against his chest. It makes the whole walking thing slow, but cozy.

Light is just starting to peek in through the windows, making Cullen glow a beautiful golden. I know I’m staring and blush when he looks down at me.

His smile is charmingly crooked, “See something you like?”

“Sometimes I think I fully understand how attractive you are and then bam! More evidence.” I push his arm so that he will lean against the wall.

He humors me by actually moving. There is no way my small frame actually could make him do anything.

I rise up on my toes as well as pull gently down on his neck so that I can kiss him.

Cullen’s lips curve into a little smile as they meet mine. “Good morning.”

I giggle and run my fingers along his jaw, “Good morning, my love.”

We lazily get ready for the morning, drinking our tea and taking breaks to snuggle…by snuggle…I definitely mean sex. To be fair, it started out as snuggling…then groping…then Cullen hitched my leg over his hip and languidly had his way with me.

I have never hated the fact that he insists on being a hands on commander _more_ than when it takes him out of bed.

I catch the woman who brings our breakfast and ask her to have someone send breakfast for three down to the dungeons. I also requested that she send some sweet pastry with it.

* * *

There is a knock on my bedroom door, but before I can actually answer Dorian walks in.

“Well, now that I’m out of that dreadful place….ugh no pun intended….I would greatly like to blow something up. Care to spar?”

I shut my book and bounce over to him, “Yes! Thank you for talking with him. I know you’re harboring resentment.”

Dorian looks at me like I’m crazy. “Harboring some resentment? He wiped you from existence, killed your brother, and then tried to destroy the world. Solas is one of my least favorite people in Thedas and that is saying a great deal.”

“That’s fair.” I throw on my shoes. And by ‘throw on’ I mean lace them up for a number of minutes. Damnit.

The rings are all open.

Dorian and I really get to play.

We are hurling all manner of things at one another and the random dummies at the ends of the fields.

I am about to toss a small fireball at one of the dummies.

The anchor flares.

It does that thing where it amplifies my magic kind of like the ice when I was fighting Solas. Really cool, but not good.

I set everything on fire.

I gasp and hold my hand to my chest.

“Fuck!” I shout and start to try to freeze things over, but it is also not going well.

“Maybe you should just give it a rest for a moment!” Dorian hollers and quickly douses the fires. “Well, that was interesting.”

“I—I didn’t mean to.”

“I know, darling. Maybe we should get you some lunch….and go see Anders after…”

The anchor isn’t getting _better_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy! Sorry this took so long!!! Mr. Beta was busy and I decided to just go for it. So, apologies if there are more typos than usual (if something is really bad, please feel free to let me know)
> 
> Thanks!!! I hope that you've been having a good month!!! <3


	22. I'm sorry, wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ummmm it's not happy chapter.

“Enough of this,” Ed scolds me after dinner.

“Enough of what?” I frown. I’m sure that is plenty of whatever goes on here that he would like to be done with.

Ed pulls me into a side room that no one is occupying. “You have played around enough. This isn’t a joke. You are endangering yourself! We are going home.”

“No we aren’t” I answer simply.

“We are. We are leaving immediately. Say goodbye to everyone and then open up that portal, Ellie. I am supposed to keep you safe!”

“I’m not leaving yet. If it wasn’t for this damn mark, I might not ever go back. What am I there? A researcher at a firm? Boring? There’s no adventure or magic! I matter here!” I protest. “You might be a super spy man, but I am just ordinary and unremarkable.”

Ed’s brows furrow, “that is untrue. Your work matters. _You_ matter. What about Martin and Max? You’d just leave them?”

“I’d send _you_ back,” I offer with a cheeky smile.

He rubs his forehead, “I will force you home if necessary.”

“You can’t make me do anything.”

“Dorian got to our world. He can take us there again,” Ed grumbles and grabs my elbow.

I pull away from him, “Dorian is my friend. He wouldn’t send me back unless I wanted him to. Besides, I am the Inquisitor. Even if you somehow convinced him to go along with the idea, I could order him not to do it.”

“Ellie!” Ed nearly shouts. I made him rather cranky. “We _will_ be going home. It _will_ happen soon. You will have to face this problem even if you do not like what the only solution is.”

I roll my eyes and wave him off with a dismissive hand. I’ll figure something out. I always do.

* * *

It takes a while for me to fall asleep. It is scary to think that I might not wake….I trust Solas enough to know that won’t happen, but still. Terrifying.

Cullen wrapped himself around me. Eventually his warmth and the steadiness of his breathing allowed me to calm down enough to drift off. I know. I make seriously questionable choices. Believe me, I'm aware. 

“You had them send cakes to me with breakfast,” Solas’ amused voice greets me in the Fade.

“I thought you might enjoy some. I don’t know how well they feed you…” I admit.

He looks thoughtfully at me, “I have eaten better than I do in the dungeons. I appreciate the thought. I would appreciate you heeding my warnings _more,_ however.”

I roll my eyes, “Can we not do this here, please? I want to wander and explore. I want to enjoy your company and pretend like the real world isn’t a thing…even if it’s just for a little while.”

Solas’s brow furrows, “Then we shall make tonight a great adventure, yes?”

“Don’t judge. _You_ use the Fade to escape from everything. Why can’t I?”

He holds out his hand to me, mirroring the previous night. “I am simply thinking, _lethallan_.”

“Where to?” I happily feel his skin against mine....kind of....Fade-skin? 

We step out from the small woods and into a less dense wooded area. There are a number of smaller cottages. It’s definitely Elvhenan….but rustic. A little boy is running around near a large tree. He trips and falls, skinning his knee. He can’t be more than eight years old? Tears start to drip along his cheeks.

Without thinking I drop Solas’ hand and go kneel down next to the Fade boy. “Oh no! It’s okay buddy.”

Remarkable, young, steely blue eyes look up at me with surprise. “I’ve never seen _you_ before, Spirit!” His tears dry up and a look of intelligent wonder takes over, “What are you?”

“I’m an—“

“A spirit of kindness,” Solas tells the kid…clearly himself…but small…

“Oh! Thank you!” I smile back at my former lover. That was sweet. I’d have thought he would have chosen something like Spirit of Pain-in-my-ass.

The boy looks at Solas, “Her form is odd…but yes. I can see her as kindness.”

Flatterers.

I don’t really know if little Solas realizes that he is talking to older Solas…knowing him, he probably does. I raise my hand just above his knee and easily pull on the Fade to heal the wound. “There. All better.”

“Thank you, Kindness!” He smiles shyly at me. You know, that way where a child fancies you, but they’re a kid so it’s cute sort of endearing.

I giggle and ruffle his hair.

“Go on, _da’len_. You should return to your studies before Uth’taren starts wondering where you went.” Solas has a gentle sort of aura around him. Softly smiling….complete adoration.

The boy nods, “You are right, Wisdom. Thank you!” And then he runs of into one of the houses.

“Was that _you_?!” I giggle and stand up to poke him playfully in the chest.

A small blush dots his freckles. “Yes. I had wanted to show you the home of my youth. The ball you had witnessed some time ago was not _normal_ for me in my youth. I had forgotten this…”

“What do you mean you forgot this?”

“I…the Fade in that time was one with the waking world. This was _real_ to me as a child. A spirit of kindness came to me…then I never saw her again,” he says slowly.

I wrinkle my nose, “So…you just like…imprinted on me or something?”

“Not quite. It is…endearing…to see you—remember you—in this way. Larger, powerful, and ethereal. Not that you are not powerful or ethereal. You are much smaller now,” He continues to smile.

“You are such a weirdo,” I roll my eyes, but can feel myself blushing. Jerk.

He helps me to my feet and we walk along the wooded path. “I pledged to Mythal when I was older. She was a great leader, not a God. I was to learn to be a general in her ranks. My ability to learn quickly and maintain information was desirable.”

I pat his arm, “I have no doubt that you have always been the scholar that you are.”

“Yes, but I was young and impulsive. We fought against the Titans and maintained the glory of Elvhenan. Time turned us from generals to kings to, finally, gods. I did not notice how awful everything had turned until it was far too late to change with any ease. The rest of what you know as the Pantheon were power hungry and self-absorbed. Mythal and I tried to restore some sort of humanity to it all. It ended with her murder. And…you are aware of what happens from there on.” He reaches down and squeezes my hand.

“It wasn’t your fault that any of that happened,” I say firmly. “You tried to fix it once you saw that it was broken.”

He exhales sharply, “And in doing so I destroyed my people.”

“What was the alternative?” I press.

“The rest of the Evanuris would have destroyed the world.”

I nudge his shoulder with my forehead, “Your solution saved more people than theirs. You cannot change it now,” I hold up my hand with the anchor as an example, “as we have proven.”

He gets that lost sort of look in his eyes. “Show me more,” I demand playfully. The Fade shifts around us and we are in one of those amazing Dr. Seuss gardens. “And this is?”

“Welcome to the Temple of Fen’harel,” It seems like he can’t decide whether to be proud and cocky or extremely apologetic.

“This is fantastic!” I squeal and run toward the front door. It is a very large estate with a sort of Parthenon front to it. Everything is shades of green and brown. I guess old habits die hard.

Solas meets me in the doorway, “Would you like to see my favorite room?”

“Yes!” On second thought, I point a finger at him, “Wait. If it’s the bedroom, I’m going to call shenanigans.”

“It is not my bedroom,” He rolls his eyes. “Were I attempting to seduce you the location would matter not for the…shenanigans.”

I thwack him in the shoulder with my palm, “Dirty.”

He laughs and holds my hand again. The inside of the temple has some rooms that make sense and are sort of like linear paths that naturally flow from one room to another, but at some point that stops. It becomes more of a maze. The rooms become smaller. I assume this area is for less people? At least not the public. Maybe his private rooms?

Finally, we end up in a gigantic library.

“Holy cow!” I gasp. There are so many books! I feel like Belle in Beauty in the Beast. And I hate to say it, but it makes me even more enamored with him.

Poor choices. I know. Believe me, I’m still well aware.

“You like it?” He chuckles.

“Solas, this is like a dream come true! These are all yours?!” I spin around in the middle of the room.

He seems exceedingly amused, “They are.”

“What was your favorite? Could you even have a favorite out of so many?” I go over to one of the shelves and run my hand along the spines of the books. So many! I can’t read any because Ancient Elven, but I’m sure they are super cool.

“I favored some over the others,” He pulls a large blue bound book from a shelf and fondly pats it.

I turn around and clap, “Will you read some of it to me?”

“I—Yes. I can do that. Come,” He gestures to a large couch in the corner of the room. Solas sits down on it and gestures for me to join him. “I promise to be a perfect gentleman.”

I roll my eyes and plop down next to him.

He starts to read a story…allegory…of a man who might fight a dragon. It tells of the people he meets and the challenges he faces, but no matter what he must save them all from this dragon who is out to destroy their town.

It’s rather on the nose if you ask me.

As he goes on, I curl up closer to him and allow myself to rest my head on his shoulder. Solas stiffens for a second, but then wraps an arm around me. In this moment, it feels like nothing has changed…like I was never sent home…like when we were happy together.

He kisses my hair as he finishes the short story. Spoiler alert: the guy kills the dragon, but dies in doing so. It was actually super sad. It _would_ be a story that Solas would like.

“That was lovely,” I look up at him with a soft smile. 

Solas runs a hand through my hair, “I am glad you liked it, _da’vhenan_.”

“Can we do this again tomorrow night? I would love to hear another of your favorites.”

His face becomes drawn, pained.

“Solas?” I sit back. What the hell does that mean?

“There will be no tomorrow for me, Elaine.” Solas says softly.

I blink in surprise. Ouch. “You don’t want to meet with me anymore?” I…did I do something wrong?

He shakes his head. “I would meet with you every moment of every day if I could.”

“Then what do you mean?” I start to have an edge of panic to my voice because I am trying to not freak out! “Did the Inquisition do something behind my back?!” Are they going to kill him!? I have to stop them! _I’m_ the one who is in charge!

Solas smiles sadly, “No. This is of my own volition. I promised to save you. So I am.”

“I don’t understand.” I whisper. I am so confused. Here he is again with his own little secret plots, leaving me in the dark. I hate it.

He tucks some hair behind my ear, “I am so sorry, _emma lath_. Rightfully, none of you will listen to me. You depend on my knowing the answer to your anchor and I do not. I wish with all my heart that I did. Your Inquisition will not end my life until you are saved, but I cannot save you from this.” 

“Solas,” I demand, “what does that mean!” It…he can’t.

“It means that I will not wake up again; my time in Thedas is at an end. The only way to save you is to remove myself from this,” He speaks with a slow certainty that shreds my heart with every word and really really pisses me off.

“No. No, Solas. This is some sick joke.” I hold his face in my hands and sigh, rolling my eyes. “We can figure this out, together. Remember that whole, you’re terrible at decisions thing?”

“I have already decided. We cannot, my love. I will not gamble your life. You and your people will not trust what I say while I can still be seen to benefit from it.” He puts one of his hands over mine, “My life was already judged to be forfeit. This changes little.”

It changes _everything_! I can’t….I don’t… my face draws together, “Not again. You don’t get to do this again. We’ll figure this out. I have Dagna and Anders and you and I’m fucking brilliant. We cured the Blight sickness, we can fix this!” 

He tries to smile, but his eyes are clouded. “Be at peace, my strong girl. All will be well. You have become such a formidable woman.”

“No. It won’t!” I growl, “You _can’t_. I love you. I love you and I can’t see you die. If I _am_ formidable, then you know that I’ll find a way around this.”

“I know you will try,” Solas kisses my cheek, “I cannot allow your death. I have lived many more lifetimes in this place than you. It will be a welcomed rest. You are young, vital. You can do so much more. You _will_ do so much more.”

“If you love me, then you’ll stay.” I manage to gasp, my voice catching in my throat.

He does smile at that, “it is because I love you that I must go.”

“Can I do anything to make you change your mind? You’d leave your people?!”  I…what do you say? Or do? I love him. I can’t let him do this! This is so stupid!

“You can live your life happily and to its fullest. You can feel no guilt for my choices.” He wipes away tears from my face that I hadn’t realized were falling yet. I thought…I was trying so hard to be in control.  

“That isn’t what I mean!”

“I know, _vhenan_ , I know. Hearing you say that you love me again is the most comforting thing you could have done for me,” His smile turns watery.

I lean forward and kiss him with all of the pent up love and emotion that I had been harboring for the past three years. I love him. I don’t want him to go.

Solas seamlessly catches me into his arms and cradles the back of my head, kissing me with equal fervor.

“I love you,” I whisper as I take a breath and say it again with every pause in the meeting of our lips.

He is a part of me. He is a home for my heart and now…now he is telling me he will literally die to save me. Not some courtly talk. Literally will not wake up in the morning.

Solas holds me tightly against him as if he is memorizing how I feel.

I feel my soul break. I resort to begging. “ _Vhenan_ ,” I plead, “stay with me. Please.”

“I wish I could, _ma sa’lath_. I will always be with you; my love will stay even when my spirit goes.” He promises.

I rest my forehead against his, “You only just came back to me. Stay a little longer, _ma lath_.”

“Every moment I dally is a moment you are closer to being lost.” Solas kisses me, “I cannot lose you. _We_ cannot: your brothers, Cullen, Anders and Dorian, the Inquisition cannot lose you. Instead, you will go home to your family and your life. You will love again and live.”

“I am not whole without you,” I whimper, starting to break back into harsh bawling.

Solas kisses away my tears as some begin to dot his own cheeks. “Morning is coming, _vhenan_. Remember my love. It is yours. Forever.”

I pull it together…for him…if for only a moment. “I love you so much, Solas. Please…I…be at peace, my heart.”

“I will never forget you.” He kisses me again, slowly, thoroughly. A last kiss. His nose rubs along mine and the worst words I have ever heard in my life are whispered against my lips, “Wake up, _vhenan_.”

“No!” I scream into the sunrise. My face is itchy with drying tears mixing with new ones.

It had to be a dream. Just a dream. Please let it be a dream.

I jump out of the bed and sprint down to the dungeons.

“Solas!” I shout as I reach his cell.

He’s lying on his cot. It looks like he is just asleep.

I notice something amazingly concerning. My ring is starting to lose its warmth.

No.

No. No. NO!

I don’t even ask the guard to open the cell. I try to burn through the lock, but it shocks me. Fucking runes!

“Open this door!” I scream at the woman standing guard.

She fumbles her keys in surprise, but opens the door quickly.

I slide in on my knees to Solas’s side.

His chest is just barely raising and lowering.

“Solas,” I plead into his ear, “please wake up. _Vhenan_ , please! Give me one more day. Just one. That’s all I’m asking.”

He doesn’t wake.

I hold one of his palms up to my cheek. “Please! I love you. I love you so much.”

The corners of his lips raise just slightly. 

Two devastating things happen at the same time: The blasted ring that has been attached to my finger for the last three years snaps in two, dropping off of my hand….and Solas’ chest stop rising.

“NO! You can’t!” I yell at him, echoing through the dungeons.

I rest my head on his chest and cry. He’s still warm.

“Please, don’t be gone,” I whisper to no one.

He isn’t there anymore.

Strong arms gather me up and lift me into the air. In a small, confused, break in my despair, I note the scent of leather and….Cullen. He cradles my shaking body close to his chest and whispers calming things that I don’t really hear, but understand the purpose of.

“He’s dead,” I whisper.

“I’m sorry, my heart.” Cullen kisses my hair.

My warrior tucks me into bed and tells me how sorry he is for my sadness over the death of my wolf. He sits with me until I cry myself back to sleep.

Neither a wolf, nor a tall hobo with stormy eyes wait for me.

Everything hurts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for taking so long to post!!! I've been finding it difficult to take time for my creative hobbies. This week was...difficult, so I actively took some self care time, blasted music, and wrote. It felt fantastic. I hope to be more mindful and take more time in the future. 
> 
> You are fantastic and great and I love you. Thank you for still reading and being patient and the greatest! <3 
> 
> Also, please don't hate me for this chapter! If it helps, I cried while writing it? I fully accept the blame for the feels.


	23. Goodbye and Hello

I wake up as the bed shifts.

Maybe it was all just an awful dream.

I move my thumb to twist around my ring…to reassure myself…but the ring is gone.

Broken…just like my heart.

“I’m sorry,” Cullen says softly. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I sent for something for you to eat.”

I curl up in his lap and heave a sigh. “I’m sorry.”

He runs a hand through my hair, “You have nothing to apologize for. I knew you still cared for him and…I never could blame you for your gentle heart.”

“He did it to save me,” I mumble into the fabric of his pants.

“He loved you,” Cullen answers simply. “A love where you would give _anything_ to save the one who owns your heart.”

I look up at him with wide panicked eyes, “I love you, Cullen.”

“I never said that you didn’t,” He smiles softly. “But, the words are always nice to hear.”

I nuzzle up against his hand. I’m so tired. Everything in me hurts again.

Cullen lays back down on the bed and gathers me up against his chest. “Can I help you in any way, my love?”

I shake my head, “This is all I could ask for.” His warmth and care are a bandage for the gaping hole in my soul.

He is tense against me. Something is wrong. Yes, I realize how dumb of a thought that is. A number of things are terribly horribly wrong.

“What’s wrong?”

“Besides the obvious?” He scoffs sadly. “Darling…I…” Cullen gently lifts my chin so that I am looking up at him. “You have to go home. We discussed it while you were asleep. You’ll leave tomorrow.”

My jaw drops, “So soon? It’s only been…what? A few hours? And everyone….already?”

“We had been preparing for the chance that you would need to be sent back in an emergency. This is…better than that…” Cullen frowns.

I throw my arms around his neck, “I don’t want to go. I’m the Inquisitor!”

“I don’t want you to have to leave either, but it is your life at stake and the Inquisition will survive.” He buries his face into my neck, “I would give up more if it would ensure your safety.”

“Come with me,” I say quickly.

He laughs, “I think I have had enough strangeness for one lifetime. What shall I do there?”

“You could be my house-husband.” I kiss his hair.

Cullen shakes his head, “I cannot go with you just as you cannot stay here.”

“I don’t want to lose you too,” I murmur around the lump in my throat.

He holds me more tightly to him, “You will never lose me, Elaine. As surely as I live, part of my heart resides in your chest.”

“It’s not fair,” I sniffle.

“No, it is not,” Cullen agrees.

We lay in mournful quiet together as the sun lowers in our windows. Our kisses try to say the things that our words fail to express. I memorize the feeling of his hands in my hair, his strong chest beneath my cheek…everything I can.

I don’t want to argue anymore. I held out and it cost me something unthinkable. I’ll go without a fight.

“I could just stay,” I say with a troublesome smirk, “let the Fade swallow me up. Then I’d kick its ass and get to be in Thedas forever.”

“Yes, the Fade should quiver in fear of Elaine Trevelyan.” Cullen chuckles, “This is not my condoning such foolishness.”

Of course it isn’t.

My lower lip starts to quiver. I didn’t think I had any more tears left. But apparently I’m wrong. Why is this happening? What did I do wrong?!

Cullen hushes me and kisses my forehead, “Everything is going to be alright. You will be safe. You will be home. I am sure your brothers will be ecstatic to see you again. You have left an indelible mark on this world…on these people. Inquisitor Elaine will become a legend.”

“I don’t want to be a legend. I just want to be happy and loved and…not to go away again,” I whimper pitifully. 

“If I could find some way to let you stay, then believe me I would do whatever it would take,” Cullen smiles softly, “but as things stand, you will cross back to your world.”

I wrap myself back against him, unwilling to leave his warmth until I am forced to.

There’s a soft tap on my door and without asking, Ed walks in.

“I know I asked you to knock like a normal person, so thank you for the small progress, however, normal people usually ask if they can come in,” I grumble.

Ed half smiles and sits on the bed next to me and Cullen, “We’ll have to leave soon. We are telling everyone that we are retiring back to the forest where we live, wanting to be away from the public space for a time. It’s a weak excuse, but it’ll do.”

“Eeeedddddd,” I whine. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere or exist outside of this room.

“There are some people who are going to want to say goodbye to you, little girl. You might want to get up and dressed,” He smiles and pats my shoulder. “I’ll leave you two alone. We are scheduled to depart in the next two hours.” Oh. This I am not looking forward to. Goodbyes are….awful.

Ed leaves and closes the door.

Cullen and I get up and get ourselves in order. I pull back my hair and put on my mage armor. What can I say, I think it’s cool and am totally happy to take it home. We pack up some of my things.   

We are never more than an inch apart, generally speaking we are at least holding hands the whole time.

Honestly, I’m not sure that things would have worked out between us if I stayed. Not that we don’t love each other or want to try…but, fundamentally….I scare him. My existence as a mage _hurts_ him. His pain hurts me…makes me feel…gross. Had things been different…

So many things could have been different…

I rub my thumb along where my ring no longer is.

Another knock.

“We’re coming in,” Dorian announces as he opens the door, “I hope you’re dressed.”

“I—“ I’m cut off as Anders and Dorian come together to wrap me in a giant love huddle.

“Good morning, love” Anders murmurs into my hair.

I muffle my answer into Dorian’s chest.

“I am so sorry, darling,” the Tevinter apologizes, “I was so angry with him…I am still rather upset. I never wanted this…you’re…”

“She’ll be safe now,” Anders consoles him...and me and himself.

I start to cry, so they squeeze me harder. Really, aside from the having trouble taking a big breath, it was fantastic to be held.

We stand there together in the tall, gorgeous man sandwich until there’s a little cough at the door. “I don’t mean to interrupt anything, but I hear the lady is about to depart our company.”

Varric is standing in the doorway with that constant, warm, knowing smile on his face.

“Please, come in,” I croak with the worse semblance of a pleasant smile I’ve probably ever created.

He chuckles and shakes his head, “you sure do make things interesting, Moxie.”

“I try,” I laugh weakly.

I tap on the hug team’s shoulders so that they’ll release me for a second, “Hi, Varric.”

The dwarf walks in closer to me, “I thought I might hand this off to you before you go.”

It’s a book.

Of course it’s a book. It’s Varric.

“I may or may not have been chronicling your time here. What can I say, I know a good story when I see one,” He shrugs playfully.

I gaps in fake shock, “you’d give it to me over your publisher?!”

“It’s a copy of my manuscript. Always have two, just in case.”

“Of course it’s just a copy.” I laugh and hug the book to my chest.

He taps the cover that is facing him, “You see, the problem is, there’s no ending yet. I’m toying with something about the heroine disappearing out into the night, but brilliant battle could sell well….or something racier.” Varric waves a hand in dismissal, “Anyway, the point is, I figure you could finish your copy, you know, whatever happens after this for you. Who knows, maybe someday I’ll get to read it.”

“Oh Varric,” I whimper. It’s so sweet. I throw myself into a hug against him.

He seems prepared, but pretends like it’s unexpected. The smaller man gives me a hard squeeze. “Cass, Bull, Sera, and Blackwall are out meeting with Alistair and figuring out what to do with all your new recruits. They wrote you letters…Sera tried to give you some bees…just in case, but I conveniently forgot them in the training yard.”

“Thanks,” I laugh. It’s really not _that_ funny, but I kind of break and laugh until I’m crying again.

Varric pats the back of my head in a fatherly way, “we’ll be alright, Moxie. I am sorry to see you go. I’ll make sure no one gets too crazy while you’re home.”

“To be fair,” I snort and point at Anders.

Anders crosses his arms and rolls his eyes, “Yes, we know. I did bad things.”

Dorian shakes his head a kisses Anders’ forehead, “it’s better now. Things were complicated, my love.”

Cullen glowers at Anders. They don’t get along, if you couldn’t have guessed. There is some sort of attempted truce and understanding now that they’re both better and because I’m relentless.

But yeah I know: things that are probably tacky to have poked fun at… I was upset and it was funny to me, okay?!

“I wanted to see you too,” Cole says quietly by the door.

I smile, “you’re always welcome, Cole.”

He takes one of my hands and puts into it something small…slightly jagged. “In two…halves...but still one…just different now.”

I furrow my brow and open my hand to see the two halves of my ring glued together.

 “I thought you might still want it for later.” He nods and puts a hand on my shoulder, “he wishes he could have kept his.”

“Thank you, Cole.” I bite at my lip to try to not cry more.

The spirit….guy….I’m still unclear as to what Cole is. Anyway, he awkwardly puts his arms almost around me in a hug, but kind of leaving space. Then, it seems like things click into place for him and he actually hugs me. “You feel like you’re in pieces, parted, pained. Hope waits, Lane.”

So, the weird space boy makes me cry again.

“Elaine,” Cullen interrupts apologetically, “do you have everything you need? We should start thinking about moving this to the Courtyard.”

I nod slowly, “I…guess?” How am I supposed to know what I could be missing? Besides, it’s not like I’ll be able to come back and get anything I forgot.

Dorian takes my hand, “we have a last thing for you. I’ve been experimenting with Alexius’ magic and I believe I have altered a sending crystal. It likely will not hold connections for long, but perhaps if we are located in areas where the Veil is thin…”

“It is worth a try,” Anders nods encouragingly.

Dorian puts a lovely little necklace around my neck. On the end is a crystal that glints bluey pink.

I wrap my hand around the crystal, feeling its magical warmth, “people at that coffee shop are going to _really_ start to think I’m crazy when I start talking to myself in the corner.”

“From what you’ve told me, they are already off their rockers so you’ll be in good company,” Dorian smirks.

 Varric gestures to the door, “we’ll meet you outside.”

The other men begrudgingly follow with quiet sounds of reassurance.

Cullen runs a hand through his hair, “I…there’s something…” He takes a deep breath and holds out his hand. A little coin sits in his massive palm. “This was the only thing I brought with me when I joined the Templars. It...Through everything it has stayed with me. Good luck as it were.”

I walk over and wrap myself around him, resting my head on his chest, “I should thank it for keeping you safe....ish.”

He chuckles, “I want you to have it. I cannot follow where you go. I did my best to keep you safe, which was not as successful as I would have hoped. Perhaps this will do better for you when you return.”

“Cullen,” I look up at him. He’s still so tall. So good. “I couldn’t it’s your—“

“It will give me hope if you have it. Hope that everything will…you deserve so much happiness, my wonderful Elaine.”

I don’t know what I did to deserve his undying kindness and love. I have not been perfect and caused him so much trouble and now I’m leaving and…

An idea strikes me.

I pull the ribbon from my hair. It’s my favorite. Elias had gotten it for me.  “I will accept your generous gift only if you will accept my token.”

“Your token?” He smiles looking at the ribbon.

I nod, “aren’t ladies supposed to give their knights tokens? That’s what all the stories say.” I inform him matter of factly.

Cullen blushes slightly and his grin becomes lopsided, “I’ve never been granted such a thing.”

I lace the ribbon around his gauntlet, wrapping it through some of the metal and tying it so that hopefully he won’t have to mess with it when he takes off the armor. “Ser Cullen Stanton Rutherford of Honnleath, you are, and forever will be, my chosen knight. My lion. My Commander and adviser.”

“I’m not sure about that last—“

“Hush, I’m being ceremonious.” I scold with a laugh.

He looks down at me fondly.

I continue, “Please accept this as a token of my esteem and love.”

Cullen brushes his thumb along my cheekbone, “it is my honor and privilege, Lady Trevelyan.” He gently kisses me, “I will do everything within my power to continue being worthy of your ardor.”

My breath catches in my throat. Why does everything have to hurt?

He places the coin in my palm and closes my fingers around it, “and I will always be your knight.”  

I bury my face in the fur of this cape thing and squeeze him tightly. Cullen kisses the top of my head and just lets me be sad. Nothing has been fair.

I hate it here.

Only not.

* * *

 

In the courtyard, things go as usual. Most people have already cleared out now that the sun is starting to set.

Cullen runs his thumb along the back of my hand and gives me a reassuring nod.

Zevran and Ed are waiting for us.

“You’re not going to make me cry too, are you?” I ask Zevran with half a serious pout. I’m really tired of all the crying.

His eyes glisten with mischief, “I do not make a habit out of making beautiful women cry.”

“You see, it’s weird now…because you slept with that one,” I point to Ed.

Zevran shrugs, “I was unaware how attractive your family was. You were occupied and Ed was—“

“Stop.” I groan and cover my eyes with my hand that isn’t holding Cullen’s. “Gross. Just. Ew. No.”

Ed laughs, “I think she might be jealous.”

“Too many wangs,” I grumble and glare at Ed.

It only makes him laugh harder.

“And this is how I am bid farewell? With mockery.” I sigh.

Zevran shoots a slightly worried look at Ed, but there is something hopeful in it.

“Not exactly,” Ed grins.

The assassin….the one who isn’t my brother….takes my hand in his. “A moment, Commander?”

Cullen lets Zevran take my other hand as well.

“My Inquisitor, Elaine, I have given my position as spy master to another tattooed elf of your acquaintance. He will do better reincorporating the elves into this new world. I do not find myself to be contented with managerial work. Seeing as I am out of a job and once again facing a fight against the Crows,” He looks at Ed and smiles, “well, I was given a strange, new prospect.”

Um…what?

Ed raises his eyebrows in amusement at what I’m sure is a really stupid look on my face, “my office is always looking for new, skilled, recruits.”

“He’s….You’re….” I squeak, “really?!”

I’m taking home a man with me. Okay, really Ed is taking home the man, but I’m taking Ed home, so I’m taking the sexual elf home too! Transitive property…or something.

Zevran looks at me with serious consideration, “if you are accepting of the proposition as well, then yes.”

“Of course! Zevran! How wonderful! Wait…are you sure?”

He beams, “I am sure, _dolce donna_.”

I squeal and sneak attack hug him. He’s not surprised by it.

At least something is not the worst.

Ed looks at the setting sun, “Ellie, we should really be going…I’m sorry.”

I practically jump away from Zevran and glue myself to Cullen; the tall blonde warrior laughs, but it quickly fades into silence as the realization that the moment has arrived sets in.

“It’s okay, darling,” he smiles sadly, brushing his lips against my forehead.

I shake my head, “It’s not! I don’t…what if something happens? What if this messes up…I could just stay at least we know what would happen.”

His brow furrows, “You will not mess up anything. You cannot say here and be lost to us. Solas wouldn’t allow it and neither will I.” He lifts my chin so that I have to meet his eyes, “he’d want you to go.”

“That’s a cheap shot, Cullen,” I frown.

“It’s not cheap if it is true,” he insists sadly.

“Once I go through, I might not be able to come back. It’s as if you’ve died too,” I shake my head trying to make my bottom lip stop trembling.

He half smiles, “in my mind, it is the opposite, my love. You go through that portal and you live. Your brightness continues. I may not be the one beholding your light, but others will.” Cullen swallows loudly, pushing away his own hurt to comfort me….just like he always has. “I will continue the Inquisition, rebuild this world. And every moment, I will feel blessed to have known you.”

“You’ll find a nice, pretty lady and settle down and have a whole army of babies.” I announce to him.

Cullen laughs weakly, “We will see what the Maker has in store for me.”

 “If he is any Maker worth having, then he will make you the happiest that you could be. You’ve already done so much for him,” I sigh and run my fingertips along his cheek.

He kisses my palm, “that’s not how that works, my love.”

“Well, that is what I imagine for you…if it’s what you want. I’ll see you there on a little farm with a dog and your brood and your perfect wife,” I whimper, feeling tears roll down my cheeks.

“That would be a very happy picture,” he grants with glossy eyes.

“Ellie,” Ed calls again, sadder this time.

I don’t look at him.

Forever can wait a few more seconds.

“I love you,” I say with a fierceness that I rarely have.

Cullen’s distress softens just slightly, “I love you too.”

Our lips meet with a soft desperation. This parting was not a true surprise, but it hurts nonetheless.

“ _Bellezza_ ,” Zevren says halfheartedly….kind of like Ed was making him try, but he didn’t really want to or see the need to.

“You made me a better man, Elaine Trevelyan. You will forever occupy a place in my heart,” Cullen presses a courtly kiss to my knuckles.

I blink away some of the damned water in my eyes, “I will never forget you, Cullen Rutherford.”

A final kiss and he gently nudges me toward Ed. Cullen hands over my bag full of Thedas things to Ed. The two of them exchange some words and then hug….not like a bro-hug, but a real feelings hug.

I rub at my face and look at the sky.  

This is it.

My fantasy life is over.

I wasn’t sure that I could feel more broken, but somehow I do.

In one tug at the Fade, I will have lost everyone here…I lost Solas.

There’s some shifting movement to my left and I see Dorian, Anders, Cole, and Varric.

“Shall we see who had the most flair opening the Fade?” Dorian goads with a smile and twinkling eyes.

Anders snorts, “I suppose that is inevitable.”

“Don’t worry about Curly, we’ll take care of him. Make sure he doesn’t get into too much trouble.” Varric reiterates.

“It feels tingly,” Cole observes absently.

I laugh/cry and shake my head.

“Okay, Ed, Zevran, you are now traveling Fade-line Elaine. Keep your arms and legs inside the cart at all times.”

“For Maker’s sake,” Dorian grumbles, “You two put a hand on her so you don’t get left behind.”

Zevran flashes him a troublesome smile.

“I’d be careful if I were you,” I warn with an involuntary smile, “I was taught to be stabby by a great assassin.”

Both of my travelers put hands on my shoulders, but also around my waist…kind of like a strange side hug thing.

I raise my hand to the sky and start to pull at the energy around me. Green pops into existence.

“Goodbye, Thedas.” I whimper and lead Zevran and Ed into the green abyss.

* * *

 On the other side of the twisting feeling that is warping through the Fade is my living room. I guess we popped out here because that’s where we left from.

“Huh,” I ponder, numb. “Well, welcome home…”

I hear rustling from the direction of my guest bedroom…which is weird.

I’m about to start crying again, when someone walked into the living room. He looks a lot like Elias…but that doesn’t make sense.

“Lane?” The Elias says. He pauses, shakes his head, and then exclaims “Maker! Lane! It’s you!!!”

Okay…so it maybe is Elias….but Elias is dead.

Did I fuck up everything? Am I dead?

Why does being dead look like my living room?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update Ahoy! Thank you for being great! I'm glad everyone loved the last chapter *sweats*. I'll hopefully finish this fic over my break (the next 3 weeks). Only about 1-2 chapters left depending on how carried away I get resolving things. 
> 
> You're beautiful!


	24. I Can Explain

“Am I dead?” I seriously wonder aloud.

Elias suddenly looks concerned. He touches my face with a reverence that I don’t quite understand. “Are you alright? Why are you back? Did someone do this to you? I’ll kill that bastard.”

Definitely Elias.

“I don’t…I—“ I take a breath and put my hand on his and say in a rapid fire of word vomit, “I did this myself. I’m back because the anchor is killing me like it killed you. I’m not alright. Seriously why are you here? Are we all dead?”

He presses his lips together, thoughtful, “that night when I….died. I…didn’t? There was a woman who I thought was Andraste, but it was your Melanie. Max was here too. I…did not take the news well. Previously, Solas and I met. The anchor…I was dying. He said he couldn’t save me, but had some other mercy for me. I woke here instead of the beyond. Mel thinks he meant for me to be sent to you, but unbeknownst to any of us, you were in Thedas at the time of the completion of the spell.”

Zevran lets out a small, noncommittal “huh,” at the story.

“He _didn’t_ kill you?”

“Well…no….but, he did, just not directly? Either way he got rid of me,” Elias grumbles.

Solas never killed Eli. He let me accuse him, blame him, but hadn’t really done it. He removed him from Thedas, but sent him somewhere safe…sent him to my family…Fuck.

His eyes grow wide when they meet mine again, like something just struck him. “Elaine, did he do the same to you?”

I frown, self-conscious. Too much feelings. What is he staring at!?

“No, he…we had Solas as a prisoner. He was supposed to try to stop the anchor from killing me, but—“ I close my eyes and whisper, “He’s dead.”

 I can _feel_ the satisfaction rolling off Elias. He is not apologetic in the least. “Good.”

“Coming back was the only way to stop the anchor,” Ed adds, finally speaking.

Eli lets out a long suffering breath, “Still, she is not rid of the anchor.” He lets go of my face, “Lane, look at that man who I assume is Ed for a moment.”

I raise an eyebrow in question, “that _is_ Ed.”

“Martin managed some of his feelings about our switch with constantly quizzing me about your…our? Family.” Ed sighs, “Now, please, do as I ask.”

“Fine. Weirdo.” I grumble.

The shattered pieces of my heart warm to be interacting with my lost brother again. It feels so natural and normal and I missed him so much.

With exaggerated annoyance, I look back at Ed, “happy?”

“Balls.” Ed grumbles.

“Different, but still attractive,” Zevran adds with a shrug, but I can tell he is concerned.

“Is there something _wrong with me_?!” I glare back at Eli. “Instead of telling me you’re doing whatever this is?!”

He looks unamused, “It is possible that I had been remembering incorrectly. I believe you know where a mirror is.” Eli gestures to my hallway.

I rush to the windowed mirror in my hall and am greeted by electric green anchor eyes. Not brown. Green. Not just green. _Very_ green.

“Fucking hell!” I gasp and paw at my face, moving it around so I can catch the light differently. Maybe it’s just some sick lighting trick.

“You are still quite striking,” Zevran calls to me.

There is a thwacking sound that I assume is either Ed or Eli bopping Zevran.

“I guess that’s just the new way that it physically manifests. He wouldn’t have been so insistent that the anchor would stop destabilizing when you came back if it wasn’t true,” Ed points out.

“Unless he wanted to _kill her_!” Elias mildly rages.

Ed’s voice is matter of fact, “You? Perhaps. Her? Never.”

“What do you mean by that?” Eli asks with a quiet danger in his tone.

I roll my newly bizarre eyes, “Enough! Solas died first so that I would come home and wouldn’t also die. We aren’t talking about it anymore.”

The warmth of Elias is once again overcome by the loss of Solas….and the rest of Thedas.

 I rub my face with my hands. Weird Fade eyes. Lovely. Great token. “I guess we’ll see if anything else turns green or if it stays like this.”

“Wait. Zevran? Why is Zevran here?” Elias asks suddenly.

“I was offered a new career path,” he says in a way that I can tell he is smiling.

Ed whistles, “You might want to go look in the mirror too.”

Zevran rushes over, practically pushing me out of the way. He looks at his face for a moment, before his eyes grow wide and his cups his ears with his hands. They’re not quite pointy anymore. Also, aren’t quite rounded. If you saw someone on the street with ears like this you might think, ‘huh, that’s different,’ but not ‘elf!’

“Well, this was…unpredicted,” he says carefully, rubbing his shortened ears.

“You are still rather attractive,” I smile and pat his back.

He crinkles his nose in annoyance, “It will take getting used to.”

“I still like you,” Ed offers from the living room.

“Well, thank Andraste for that,” Zevran snorts.

The two of us with our slightly changed faces go back into the other room.

I look around the once familiar home…my home that I left for Thedas adventures. Now I’m back, but I am at a loss. What do I do now? I feel completely out of step. My heart still hurts. So, I do what I usually do when I need some guidance—well…what I do here on Earth.

I called you and Max.

* * *

 So, then we have the big family meeting and I get caught up on what is going on.

Elias, with your help, settled into Earth life pretty well. Um….it took some adjusting, but at least he started out well-mannered and intelligent. He apparently got a job relatively quickly once he stopped thinking that the electronics were going to attack at any moment.

You know those Medieval reenactment restaurants? Yeah. That. He was very happy to inform me that he was only a squire for two months before the promoted him to knight. Now he gets to ride a horse around in armor and do show fights for people eating food.

I really _really_ need to go see this!

I bet that he’ll end up promoted to royal soon. I mean honestly, he was already nobility. It’s like it was a career made for displaced noble people from other universes!

Allegedly, he has a bit of a thing with the princess.

Of course, he would.

Social climber.

Just kidding! But also, still unsurprised.

It has only been about a year that he has had the job, but it’s helping him feel like he belongs here. I feel bad that I wasn’t there to help him with the transition…Thank you for handling it.

Do you remember me comparing Eli to Martin? I was totally right. They are way too similar. They’re either best buddies or straight up wrestling out their annoyance anytime they are together.

No in between.

I let Elias stay with me in my house. He gets the guest room and I have my old one back.

It’s odd to be there…but it’s nice to be able to drink some tea with Eli and trade stories about the times where we were in Thedas without the other.

Now, Zevran moved in with Ed…I mean what else was he going to do?

He isn’t allowed to discuss what all he is doing for work. It pleases him beyond belief that he can say “I am sorry, but that is classified.”

So, for all I know he is the secretary.

Too stabby to be a secretary…. now that would be hilarious. “Zevran, why is there a hole in this memo?” ‘I knifed it to the desk. There was a draft.’ “Zevran, that is why we have paperweights.” Then he’d just continue to stab them. It’d be an epidemic of hole-y papers. Yes.

Anyway!

I started back at work…so I had to come up with more gorilla facts…pseudo facts.

I’m honestly not sure how I still have a job.

I mean, honestly.

I’ve left twice, without actual warning, both for about a year.

They are some very understanding employers….

Another thing, we decided to tell the rest of the family that Eli and I were twins who were separated at birth?!

Guys.

Seriously?

Does anyone even buy that?!

…. There isn’t really a good other explanation, but seriously! Couldn’t we have just like…. lock him in a closet under the stairs whenever anyone came to visit?  

It’s good that everyone accepted that story without blinking an eye. Mom must have really sold it well. At least no one tried to make it sound like either mom or dad had a secret love child. That would make holidays awkward…. More awkward.

Gotta hand it to Thedas. It still manages to make my life insane whether or not I’m present.

Zevran was pretty easy to get away with: Ed found a special someone on his more recent “Peace Corps” trip that he was on that just so happened to coincide with my being in Africa with the gorillas.

So…. things started to become normal again.

Well, as normal as things could be with Eli and Zevran around. 

* * *

* * *

 

Okay. So. Um…. I need to explain why I was late for dinner.

First of all, my bad. You would not believe the afternoon that I’ve had!

Second of all, just… yeah.

So, work was normal. I’m working on some new vaccine project the details are boring. Basically, I was pipetting for hours then got to go get lunch.

I went to that little café down the road that I like.

I get my little sandwich and drink and chips and pickle and a coffee. Don’t judge me. Pipetting is hard work!

Anyway, so I open up a book and skim while I’m eating.

Totally normal.

Nothing weird going on.

The bell on the door chimes.

“What can I get for you,” the man behind the counter asks to whoever walked in.

A man clears his throat, “I am sorry, but I seem to have forgotten my coin.”

I drop my sandwich and just barely stop myself from choking.

I would know that voice anywhere; the mellow baritone of one particular elf hobo.

A dead elf hobo.

It is at this point that I figure I’ve probably gone crazy… or had too much caffeine.

I close my eyes and then, very slowly, raise my head so that when they open I’ll be looking where the voice was coming from.

I take a deep breath and count to ten.

As I let my eyes open, a silhouette starts to come into focus. Tall. Bald. Hobo clothes. Ears that are not quite elf and not quite human.

The last bit of the person to fully form are the striking blue eyes.

Solas.

I tilt my head to the side, wondering. “Seriously, am I dead? Did everyone die and now we are all in the afterlife and no one knows it?”

“Ma’am… are you alright?” The man behind the counter asks.

“Confused.” I answer in a soft, hesitant voice. “Did the apocalypse happen within the last year?”

The server looks at me like I’m nuts, “not that I know of.”

“Okay, well…. thanks.”

Solas….my hallucination? Half smiles. He’s a shy figment of my imagination. “I fear I may have startled her.”

“To be fair,” the server nods, “anyone should be startled by those feet. Really man, you should wear shoes around here.”

They’re talking to each other.

The hallucination and the man are speaking….so either they are _both_ not real….or they are, in fact, both real….

“Solas?” I whisper.

He nods once, his hands clasped in front of him.

I abandon my lunch--which was delicious--and walk over, stopping an arm’s length away from him.

To be honest, he kind of smells like he has been out on a mission for weeks. Gross.

 Slowly, I reach out to touch his chest. I half expect my hand not to come into contact with anything, but it does.

It can’t be.

“I thought you were dead,” I whisper.

Wait.

What the _fuck?!_

My brow furrows.

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!” I shout angrily. “You let me think you had died!? No, wait. You actually did. You died. I saw you die!”

“Eliane—I—“

“What the fuck, Solas?!”

“I never meant—“

“Like hell you never meant! You _always_ mean whatever bullshit you do. Explain.”

He sighs and his shoulder roll down. Solas glances over at the guy at the counter who I am sure is extremely uncomfortable.

“Hey!” I snap in his face, “Now, hobo!”

“I can explain.” Solas says with his characteristic calmness. It pisses me off. “You are not wrong when you say that you saw me die.”

Like that helps, right?!

The look on my face must be scary because he puts up his hands in front of him as if to be showing surrender. “You would not leave of your own accord. I had to save you even if it meant losing myself. When we were in the Fade for the last time, I channeled all of the regained power that I had gathered into separating my spirit from my body. I had hoped that it would allow me to push through to your world as I had transferred Elias. If it had not been successful, then I would have spent eternity in the Fade as something not quite myself. I am proud to say that my calculations were correct and I arrived here shortly after my demise in Thedas.”

“You could have told me,” I growl, “instead of letting me think that I had made you kill yourself for these last months! _And_ you hadn’t actually killed Elias!!!”

“I had not imagined that it would have taken so long for me to find you. I could have explained earlier and apologized. I have been here for that time, but am quite lost without my magic. Finding you as I had before was out of the question. So, I have been searching for places I recognized from my previous journey here. Once I found them, I waited.”

I cross my arms, “so you’ve been here? Where here?”

He shrugs, “I am quite adept in foraging and keeping to myself. Your foliage in this world is similar to mine.”

“So you have _actually_ been a hobo for the last few weeks?” I frown.

“There was little else to do. I knew you would have already arrived. I had hoped to ease your transition home…” Solas rubs his forehead.

Yeah. So…. That’s a thing.

I grumbled about how much of an awful pick he is and went back to grab my back and lunch.

Solas just stands there watching me without emotion on his face.

I stomp back and hand him the last half of my sandwich, then start to walk out the door.

“Elaine…” Solas says in a voice that almost makes me feel super sorry for him.

“Aren’t you coming?” I grumble and gesture out the door.

He presses his lips together and looks at the sandwich in his hand and then over at me.

“Look, apparently your Earth thing is following me around. I won’t have you living in God knows what woods around here anymore. I have a perfectly good couch. Let’s get you a shower.” I raise my eyebrow and half smile.

I am _so angry_ and at the same time I feel more like myself now that he is here.

Yes. I hate me too. I know. I _know._

“You would allow me to—“ Solas is flabbergasted.

“Yes. I’m a Hufflepuff. It’s what I do. This…. the dying thing? Absolutely the last time that you get to be a selfish bastard. My world. My rules. From now on you have to work on communicating with me as an equal or so help me I won’t explain to you how to operate any of the electronics. You’ll never figure out the alarm clock, I assure you.” I say it all very matter of factly.

Solas smiles softly and rocks back and forth on his heels, “thank you, _vhenan_.”

“Don’t you _vhenan_ me. You are in so much trouble! You do realize that you have done nothing to make me trust you recently? You have a looooong way to go until there are any _vhenan_ s” I look him up and down and my nose crinkles when I look at his gag worthy feet, “and from now on, shoes.”

He chuckles, but then a quiet sadness falls over him, “Elaine, I am truly sorry for everything that I have put you through. I cannot promise that I will ever be worthy of regaining your love.”

“Damn straight! I’m fantastic. You died and then didn’t die, asshat!” I laugh and roll my eyes, “what is my life?”

“Interesting?” Solas offers as an answer to my clearly rhetorical question.

I groan and cover my eyes with my hand, “come on, hobo. Eat your sandwich. Let’s go home.”

As we are walking, I hum in thought, “Elias is gonna be _pissed_.”

Eli punched him in the face as soon as I let Solas into the house—I made him hose off his feet before coming inside. I explained what happened to Elias…sort of.

Huge bruise below Solas eye. I don’t condone violence, but like….I get the rage Eli would have. I should get them into counseling or something…it’s going to be rough to live with the two of them.  

So…um….Solas is sitting in the car….

I feel like you should meet him.

Please make sure Max doesn’t hit him too.

I don’t know what happens now. How do I get over the him being dead thing? I still love him, but I can’t justify letting him back in. Not yet. Not now. There is so much he has to make up for. Love doesn’t matter if you can’t trust someone. I think, at least that he understands?

I guess we’ll see.

 

**The End.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it! Elaine's story has come to an end. I might drabble some stuff with Solas and Elaine; if you have any specific request prompts, please let me know. <3
> 
> Thank you for being with me this whole time and reading and caring. It means the world to me! You are the best, most kind readers and I appreciate you so much. You are beautiful and great!!!


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